Fear makes all of us needy and controlling. The trick is to be aware of it, and try to give the other person some space.

I completely agree that the need to help other people around us is a clear sign that we ourselves are in need of something that is lacking in our lives. In most cases the need is simply to love who we are and for some of us it takes alot of work.

I am exactly the same i feel the need to help others, especially when in relationships but the problem being is that i tend to put my needs second to theirs.

You are in the right group carli, i do recomend getting the book, women who love too much, its why i started this group. we need to learn to have our needs met without feeling guilty.

I'm the same way. I tend to "help" others with whatever is going on with their lives before working on what I need to do with mine. And I've also noticed that it's when I'm the most "out of control" myself that I find myself wanting to "control"/"help" others. It's been hard, but I've been working on backing off of that and work on what I need to "control"/"help" for myself.

Sometimes this means letting go of friends/family that have negative influences on us. we are prone to be best friends with those who are hypocondriacs, and so on. even compulsive liars, and we fall tangled into their webs, trying to help them. we are entirely gullible, believing whatever lines someone will give us.
especially men. we make excuses for them, then plan how to fix them.
its very hard. myself, before, i could not believe that someone would just flat out lie to me. i couldnt comprehend it. so i fell in the trap over and over again, getting hurt more and more.
now im the opposite to near extremes. now i think everyone is lying, and have to force myself to calm down.
i constantly analyze everything, every little thing someone says or does.
in a way im driving myself up the wall by doing that. i can hardly even stand embelleshments on plain stories or wise tales, now isnt this ridiculous??? i was so determined to tune myself to be able to say to negative people, you are a liar and a fake, i can turn my back on you and walk out of your life, and keep you out of mine, and i dont have to feel sorry or like i abandoned you. i had to teach myself to be like,
you choose your own fate, deal with it, begin the process of change on your own, then come to me, but do not involve me. i guess i over did it a little.

I think you guys just opened my eyes to a whole new part of myself. I never realized that I do this exact same thing. OMGGGGGG....

I do that, too. I am always trying to "fix" people

I tend to do that. I am and always putting my needs second. Which in the end I am always the one that gets hurt.

its a hard thing to learn not to do.

Wow! Such an eye opener! Your post describes me to a tee!! From the age of 10 I have been taking care of other people, first my younger siblings, then I got married and had children. Now they are all grown and I have found that I jump from relationship to relationship (been divorced for 12 years now) trying to take care of and fix other people, only to end up disappointed because they take advantage of me and don't care about taking care of me at all!! I try to keep it constantly in my thoughts that I need to take care of me first but it really is hard to do!! Thanks for this new site, I know we are all going to learn some things, grow and hopefully become stronger in our battles!!

sure, Welcome grace. its a rough road we walk, but we can do it. we are all worth it.

True confessions:
Boo: Last weekend, I gave my cousin my old car to help out their family. Granted, it's a really old, totaled, crappy car and they REALLY need the help and I have several other ways to get to work, but dude. it was my car, and my other car's in the shop. Not exacly the best selfish move I've made.
Yay: On Tuesday, my hubs took the day off. It took everything I had not to take a day too and like s/mother him! The dog needed to go to the vet and there were a million things to do too. I resisted. After work, I didn't even go home! I went shopping FOR MYSELF at the mall. It was awesome. And, while I was gone all day, hubbs had done dishes, taken the dog to the vet, started his laundry, got the lawn mowed. He's realy making an efort and so am I so yay. Ha ha ha.. he just got home and the doors locked because it's after 11. Am I going down to get him. No. Night girls! This is a great group.

I am sooooooo glad this group is here! I'm still learing how to handle the panic that new relationships bring...but I am getting better each day and it's great to hear from others in the same boat, so-to-speak....

welcome peggs!! i learned so much from a group like this one, im glad i started this one, i wanted to share what i found. i believe it saved my life.

Dfunkd_
WOW!!! thats great!! a man who does the dishes? are you sure he didnt just move them around looking for extra leftovers? LOL. im proud of you. you did great on tuesday. and dont worry about the crappy car,
at least you didnt give them the good one, which is what i would have done in the past.