This may be a bit long. ill try to keep it fairly short as long as my fingers dont run away at the keyboard.

l grew up in an abusive home. that is a whole other story... but looking back from the time i had my first kiss, i was already wired for self destruction by relationships. He was a punk kid, defiant and "cool" and the first boy to ever show interest in me that didnt drool on himself or have a funky smell. i was fairly unpopular because of my family. i was instantly hooked, and in love... I was 13 he was 15, and we lived far apart. most of our relationship was over the phone... but i believed in it. i still remember that pain when he stopped calling me.... for over a year i practically cried myself to sleep over him. he was my first kiss. i blamed myself, i wasnt "cool" enough. i wasnt good enough.

nearly all the others were the same until i was 16.

I met my first official physical abuser. he was from guatemala and had me wearing long skirts and my hair back with no makeup... serving him coffee and if it was too hot it got thrown in my face. had me asking for permission to use the bathroom. my parents were divorced by then and i stayed in a small trailer outside of my step fathers house. when i finally asked for help from my step dad, i was told i could sleep on the couch and it was my fault for sneaking out to see him. i had to sneak out, if i didnt he would do something or come get me. i loved him though... he would pretend he was sick sometimes, saying he went to the hospital and only had a few months to live without a heart transplant or some bullshit. or that he had a heart attack. and i would ask to leave work to be with him.
would fight anyone off to be with him. one time i even called the ambulance for him when he was pretending to be sick... they came, he acted unconcious.. but they said his vitals were fine, he wasnt really unconcious, and that i should try to stay away from him. i was pissed. i yelled at them, made them check him again, so i believed he was sick and no one would help us. i finally left that one... because i met someone else who offered me to live with him. i quit school and left my step dads place. i worked two jobs. things were fine for a while, other than he didnt speak english, wasnt my type at all. but i didnt have a type... it was whoever i thought loved me. i didnt consider myself vain, and thought it would be vain to be choose someone soley on physical appearance. and this guy was suposedly a virgin. and that ended with him unplugging the phones and trying to kill me... luckily I was stronger than him and got away. now im 18. dating a guy ive known a while but he has no job. he seems disgusted at times by sex with me... doesnt do anything he says, i pay for everything. when i go in the army, i think we are still going to be together... of course he has another girlfriend the whole time. next one was pretty normal. i was attracted to him. but i scared him off by telling him i loved him after a short time together. after that, there was a tall dark and mysterious fellow always sitting in a corner and writing. oh... i had to get to know him. i read his "poetry" talked his ear off while he just looked at me. (i didnt really like the poetry but told him it was good) and bla bla bla got together ... he alienated me from all my friends. my best friends... while i would pay for him to go out with other girls when i had duty, "trusting" him. paid for his phone bill. which he ran up to 800 bucks talking to some chick while on roaming. I thought i was pregnant once, possibly, very early stages. i had gone on leave home, didnt even visit my friends because of him. when i got back he swore i had been with someone. said it felt different. i was on my knees pleading him, saying i would rather die than him not believe me, rather die than ever hurt him like that, how much i loved him... he kept telling me to shut up... i said i would not until he believed me... he was very strong. he picked me up and slammed me on the floor, choking me. i nearly passed out, and i remember my thoughts were that i would die to prove to him that i loved him. that i was the one he should be with. that i would take that sacrifice. that i could handle his anger. the next day i went to the bathroom, i hadnt had a period in 8 months because of how much i worked out... and passed something huge... spotted for a while and was done.
next day the sun was shining. he put his head in my lap. i could still feel the bruises around my neck, and i was stroking his hair thinking how much i loved him, and how this would bring us closer. that he knew i was strong enough for him, that i loved him. i trusted him, that i knew he wouldnt lie to me.
i find out later that he shows all my letters to him to the woman he was sleeping with. that the reason he started that fight with me was cause he wanted me to leave cause she was suposed to show up, he didnt think i was going to make it out. this went on for nearly 3 years... even after i had solid solid evidence of him cheating, i believed him when he said he didnt do it... and we got back together. he went to the brig for an unknown reason for 5 years. that is why we broke up. no, as these relationships have happened, i never got over the one before. and it took me a long time to get over him. next couple relationships were about the same. i stayed single for a year about the time i started this site. i started dating and the first guy i went out with i drove because he lost all his money in a poker game, and paid. he ended up giving me a sob story living at my house... he would get me riled up, then put me down... how i should feel lucky cause he could be dating models and pretty women. he would threaten to leave, and i have major abandonment issues, turn me into a puddle on the floor begging him to stay, doing anything he would ask. i finally got out of that one. and then met my baby's father... who just abandoned me and my daughter eventually. he was a great learning experience though... i had done alot of "self work" on this site and counseling and thought i was prepared to date. he had a job. paid for dinner. was the most positive person i had ever met it seemed. and i liked him... so i thought i was making progress with my choices. i was in a bad way though.... i was depressed... moody... and at times mean. but he kept coming back with flowers and positive words, no matter what i said to him or how i acted. i thought this was him showing me he loved me... i cleaned up my act. we moved in and i became pregnant and lost the baby. we decided to try again. everything was great... i thought, till he suddenly started not coming home, then left and never came back saying the baby wasnt his, and lies on top of lies. he has yet to ever see my daughter longer than fifteen minutes. and he has only seen her three times in three years... she is three and a half. not that i care.
i see so many flaws in me when i thought i was so ready now... he was a flake. he was always a flake. he had mommy boy syndrome, i was always calling the shots, though he took credit. he would always walk behind me, which was wierd. he wanted credit for the littlest things and would be offended if he thought you were critisizing him. he was immature. he was akward. but i thought the good outweighed the bad. maybe it did for a while, but there were signs. i was not the best person then... while i took his pursuing as him trying to prove to me he loved me... in truth it was as simple as this. i was sick. and sick people are attracted to sick people for the most part.

since him, i have been in two relationships. one with a man that i settled for. he was nice, he never hurt me. he was always home and we had great conversation. but he was a video gamer... is overweight, does not pay his bills even when it was to my detriment, is MESSY messy. disgustingly so. but he was a friend and there for me during my pregnancy. i was single then, i was not attracted to him i told him no so many times. after 2 years of nothing changing... i left once i started school. i couldnt stand it anymore. i wanted life, not paycheck to paycheck in a dirty house. he was perfectly safe... but i felt better about myself and went out on my own. my daughter calls him daddy.
he still watches her for me 3 days a week while i am in school. his house is still disgusting... i hate that he doesnt raise her the way i want... but i dont know how to break the attachment... and i feel like an awful mother. he is great with her, and loves her, and is supportive of her... but its not how i want her to grow up, in dirty clothes and matted hair with mismatch everything going into the store. we fight about it all the time, and he thinks she is just fine. and this, was the healthiest relationship i have ever been in. because he is truly kind.

im single now. i was in another relationship, which we still talk of and on... but it is what it is right now. ill probabloy post about it when im done processing it.

I try to focus on progress i have made.

I will never let another man hit me, or tell me i am nothing. I do not believe, nor want to hear sob stories.

im learning my boundries, and how to enforce them. im learning about myself. and my everyday struggle

I have a standard now. i will not settle again. i never want to be that mess again.

the thing im having the most trouble dealing with is anger... and confusion.

the Narcissist is a master of disguise and manipulation. he manipulates common behavior so he appears normal. and uses that to manipulate our minds. after having been through that... im unsure where to draw the line. im trying to learn to be fair and not a total bitch. its now hard to accept that people make mistakes sometimes. cause now, any hint of what has happened to me before and im in flight or fight mode. i struggle with PTSD symptoms from my life. when i am triggered into this mode i can be unreasonable or unresponsive for a short time.
this is my current struggle, as i am utterly confused at how to establish a working relationship the way i am now.