Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
This may be a bit long. ill try to keep it fairly short as long as my fingers dont run away at the keyboard.
l grew up in an abusive home. that is a whole other story... but looking back from the time i had my first kiss, i was already wired for self destruction by relationships. He was a punk kid, defiant and "cool" and the first boy to ever show interest in me that didnt drool on himself or have a funky smell. i was fairly unpopular because of my family. i was instantly hooked, and in love... I was 13 he was 15, and we lived far apart. most of our relationship was over the phone... but i believed in it. i still remember that pain when he stopped calling me.... for over a year i practically cried myself to sleep over him. he was my first kiss. i blamed myself, i wasnt "cool" enough. i wasnt good enough.
nearly all the others were the same until i was 16.
I met my first official physical abuser. he was from guatemala and had me wearing long skirts and my hair back with no makeup... serving him coffee and if it was too hot it got thrown in my face. had me asking for permission to use the bathroom. my parents were divorced by then and i stayed in a small trailer outside of my step fathers house. when i finally asked for help from my step dad, i was told i could sleep on the couch and it was my fault for sneaking out to see him. i had to sneak out, if i didnt he would do something or come get me. i loved him though... he would pretend he was sick sometimes, saying he went to the hospital and only had a few months to live without a heart transplant or some bullshit. or that he had a heart attack. and i would ask to leave work to be with him.
would fight anyone off to be with him. one time i even called the ambulance for him when he was pretending to be sick... they came, he acted unconcious.. but they said his vitals were fine, he wasnt really unconcious, and that i should try to stay away from him. i was pissed. i yelled at them, made them check him again, so i believed he was sick and no one would help us. i finally left that one... because i met someone else who offered me to live with him. i quit school and left my step dads place. i worked two jobs. things were fine for a while, other than he didnt speak english, wasnt my type at all. but i didnt have a type... it was whoever i thought loved me. i didnt consider myself vain, and thought it would be vain to be choose someone soley on physical appearance. and this guy was suposedly a virgin. and that ended with him unplugging the phones and trying to kill me... luckily I was stronger than him and got away. now im 18. dating a guy ive known a while but he has no job. he seems disgusted at times by sex with me... doesnt do anything he says, i pay for everything. when i go in the army, i think we are still going to be together... of course he has another girlfriend the whole time. next one was pretty normal. i was attracted to him. but i scared him off by telling him i loved him after a short time together. after that, there was a tall dark and mysterious fellow always sitting in a corner and writing. oh... i had to get to know him. i read his "poetry" talked his ear off while he just looked at me. (i didnt really like the poetry but told him it was good) and bla bla bla got together ... he alienated me from all my friends. my best friends... while i would pay for him to go out with other girls when i had duty, "trusting" him. paid for his phone bill. which he ran up to 800 bucks talking to some chick while on roaming. I thought i was pregnant once, possibly, very early stages. i had gone on leave home, didnt even visit my friends because of him. when i got back he swore i had been with someone. said it felt different. i was on my knees pleading him, saying i would rather die than him not believe me, rather die than ever hurt him like that, how much i loved him... he kept telling me to shut up... i said i would not until he believed me... he was very strong. he picked me up and slammed me on the floor, choking me. i nearly passed out, and i remember my thoughts were that i would die to prove to him that i loved him. that i was the one he should be with. that i would take that sacrifice. that i could handle his anger. the next day i went to the bathroom, i hadnt had a period in 8 months because of how much i worked out... and passed something huge... spotted for a while and was done.
next day the sun was shining. he put his head in my lap. i could still feel the bruises around my neck, and i was stroking his hair thinking how much i loved him, and how this would bring us closer. that he knew i was strong enough for him, that i loved him. i trusted him, that i knew he wouldnt lie to me.
i find out later that he shows all my letters to him to the woman he was sleeping with. that the reason he started that fight with me was cause he wanted me to leave cause she was suposed to show up, he didnt think i was going to make it out. this went on for nearly 3 years... even after i had solid solid evidence of him cheating, i believed him when he said he didnt do it... and we got back together. he went to the brig for an unknown reason for 5 years. that is why we broke up. no, as these relationships have happened, i never got over the one before. and it took me a long time to get over him. next couple relationships were about the same. i stayed single for a year about the time i started this site. i started dating and the first guy i went out with i drove because he lost all his money in a poker game, and paid. he ended up giving me a sob story living at my house... he would get me riled up, then put me down... how i should feel lucky cause he could be dating models and pretty women. he would threaten to leave, and i have major abandonment issues, turn me into a puddle on the floor begging him to stay, doing anything he would ask. i finally got out of that one. and then met my baby's father... who just abandoned me and my daughter eventually. he was a great learning experience though... i had done alot of "self work" on this site and counseling and thought i was prepared to date. he had a job. paid for dinner. was the most positive person i had ever met it seemed. and i liked him... so i thought i was making progress with my choices. i was in a bad way though.... i was depressed... moody... and at times mean. but he kept coming back with flowers and positive words, no matter what i said to him or how i acted. i thought this was him showing me he loved me... i cleaned up my act. we moved in and i became pregnant and lost the baby. we decided to try again. everything was great... i thought, till he suddenly started not coming home, then left and never came back saying the baby wasnt his, and lies on top of lies. he has yet to ever see my daughter longer than fifteen minutes. and he has only seen her three times in three years... she is three and a half. not that i care.
i see so many flaws in me when i thought i was so ready now... he was a flake. he was always a flake. he had mommy boy syndrome, i was always calling the shots, though he took credit. he would always walk behind me, which was wierd. he wanted credit for the littlest things and would be offended if he thought you were critisizing him. he was immature. he was akward. but i thought the good outweighed the bad. maybe it did for a while, but there were signs. i was not the best person then... while i took his pursuing as him trying to prove to me he loved me... in truth it was as simple as this. i was sick. and sick people are attracted to sick people for the most part.
since him, i have been in two relationships. one with a man that i settled for. he was nice, he never hurt me. he was always home and we had great conversation. but he was a video gamer... is overweight, does not pay his bills even when it was to my detriment, is MESSY messy. disgustingly so. but he was a friend and there for me during my pregnancy. i was single then, i was not attracted to him i told him no so many times. after 2 years of nothing changing... i left once i started school. i couldnt stand it anymore. i wanted life, not paycheck to paycheck in a dirty house. he was perfectly safe... but i felt better about myself and went out on my own. my daughter calls him daddy.
he still watches her for me 3 days a week while i am in school. his house is still disgusting... i hate that he doesnt raise her the way i want... but i dont know how to break the attachment... and i feel like an awful mother. he is great with her, and loves her, and is supportive of her... but its not how i want her to grow up, in dirty clothes and matted hair with mismatch everything going into the store. we fight about it all the time, and he thinks she is just fine. and this, was the healthiest relationship i have ever been in. because he is truly kind.
im single now. i was in another relationship, which we still talk of and on... but it is what it is right now. ill probabloy post about it when im done processing it.
I try to focus on progress i have made.
I will never let another man hit me, or tell me i am nothing. I do not believe, nor want to hear sob stories.
im learning my boundries, and how to enforce them. im learning about myself. and my everyday struggle
I have a standard now. i will not settle again. i never want to be that mess again.
the thing im having the most trouble dealing with is anger... and confusion.
the Narcissist is a master of disguise and manipulation. he manipulates common behavior so he appears normal. and uses that to manipulate our minds. after having been through that... im unsure where to draw the line. im trying to learn to be fair and not a total bitch. its now hard to accept that people make mistakes sometimes. cause now, any hint of what has happened to me before and im in flight or fight mode. i struggle with PTSD symptoms from my life. when i am triggered into this mode i can be unreasonable or unresponsive for a short time.
this is my current struggle, as i am utterly confused at how to establish a working relationship the way i am now.
l grew up in an abusive home. that is a whole other story... but looking back from the time i had my first kiss, i was already wired for self destruction by relationships. He was a punk kid, defiant and "cool" and the first boy to ever show interest in me that didnt drool on himself or have a funky smell. i was fairly unpopular because of my family. i was instantly hooked, and in love... I was 13 he was 15, and we lived far apart. most of our relationship was over the phone... but i believed in it. i still remember that pain when he stopped calling me.... for over a year i practically cried myself to sleep over him. he was my first kiss. i blamed myself, i wasnt "cool" enough. i wasnt good enough.
nearly all the others were the same until i was 16.
I met my first official physical abuser. he was from guatemala and had me wearing long skirts and my hair back with no makeup... serving him coffee and if it was too hot it got thrown in my face. had me asking for permission to use the bathroom. my parents were divorced by then and i stayed in a small trailer outside of my step fathers house. when i finally asked for help from my step dad, i was told i could sleep on the couch and it was my fault for sneaking out to see him. i had to sneak out, if i didnt he would do something or come get me. i loved him though... he would pretend he was sick sometimes, saying he went to the hospital and only had a few months to live without a heart transplant or some bullshit. or that he had a heart attack. and i would ask to leave work to be with him.
would fight anyone off to be with him. one time i even called the ambulance for him when he was pretending to be sick... they came, he acted unconcious.. but they said his vitals were fine, he wasnt really unconcious, and that i should try to stay away from him. i was pissed. i yelled at them, made them check him again, so i believed he was sick and no one would help us. i finally left that one... because i met someone else who offered me to live with him. i quit school and left my step dads place. i worked two jobs. things were fine for a while, other than he didnt speak english, wasnt my type at all. but i didnt have a type... it was whoever i thought loved me. i didnt consider myself vain, and thought it would be vain to be choose someone soley on physical appearance. and this guy was suposedly a virgin. and that ended with him unplugging the phones and trying to kill me... luckily I was stronger than him and got away. now im 18. dating a guy ive known a while but he has no job. he seems disgusted at times by sex with me... doesnt do anything he says, i pay for everything. when i go in the army, i think we are still going to be together... of course he has another girlfriend the whole time. next one was pretty normal. i was attracted to him. but i scared him off by telling him i loved him after a short time together. after that, there was a tall dark and mysterious fellow always sitting in a corner and writing. oh... i had to get to know him. i read his "poetry" talked his ear off while he just looked at me. (i didnt really like the poetry but told him it was good) and bla bla bla got together ... he alienated me from all my friends. my best friends... while i would pay for him to go out with other girls when i had duty, "trusting" him. paid for his phone bill. which he ran up to 800 bucks talking to some chick while on roaming. I thought i was pregnant once, possibly, very early stages. i had gone on leave home, didnt even visit my friends because of him. when i got back he swore i had been with someone. said it felt different. i was on my knees pleading him, saying i would rather die than him not believe me, rather die than ever hurt him like that, how much i loved him... he kept telling me to shut up... i said i would not until he believed me... he was very strong. he picked me up and slammed me on the floor, choking me. i nearly passed out, and i remember my thoughts were that i would die to prove to him that i loved him. that i was the one he should be with. that i would take that sacrifice. that i could handle his anger. the next day i went to the bathroom, i hadnt had a period in 8 months because of how much i worked out... and passed something huge... spotted for a while and was done.
next day the sun was shining. he put his head in my lap. i could still feel the bruises around my neck, and i was stroking his hair thinking how much i loved him, and how this would bring us closer. that he knew i was strong enough for him, that i loved him. i trusted him, that i knew he wouldnt lie to me.
i find out later that he shows all my letters to him to the woman he was sleeping with. that the reason he started that fight with me was cause he wanted me to leave cause she was suposed to show up, he didnt think i was going to make it out. this went on for nearly 3 years... even after i had solid solid evidence of him cheating, i believed him when he said he didnt do it... and we got back together. he went to the brig for an unknown reason for 5 years. that is why we broke up. no, as these relationships have happened, i never got over the one before. and it took me a long time to get over him. next couple relationships were about the same. i stayed single for a year about the time i started this site. i started dating and the first guy i went out with i drove because he lost all his money in a poker game, and paid. he ended up giving me a sob story living at my house... he would get me riled up, then put me down... how i should feel lucky cause he could be dating models and pretty women. he would threaten to leave, and i have major abandonment issues, turn me into a puddle on the floor begging him to stay, doing anything he would ask. i finally got out of that one. and then met my baby's father... who just abandoned me and my daughter eventually. he was a great learning experience though... i had done alot of "self work" on this site and counseling and thought i was prepared to date. he had a job. paid for dinner. was the most positive person i had ever met it seemed. and i liked him... so i thought i was making progress with my choices. i was in a bad way though.... i was depressed... moody... and at times mean. but he kept coming back with flowers and positive words, no matter what i said to him or how i acted. i thought this was him showing me he loved me... i cleaned up my act. we moved in and i became pregnant and lost the baby. we decided to try again. everything was great... i thought, till he suddenly started not coming home, then left and never came back saying the baby wasnt his, and lies on top of lies. he has yet to ever see my daughter longer than fifteen minutes. and he has only seen her three times in three years... she is three and a half. not that i care.
i see so many flaws in me when i thought i was so ready now... he was a flake. he was always a flake. he had mommy boy syndrome, i was always calling the shots, though he took credit. he would always walk behind me, which was wierd. he wanted credit for the littlest things and would be offended if he thought you were critisizing him. he was immature. he was akward. but i thought the good outweighed the bad. maybe it did for a while, but there were signs. i was not the best person then... while i took his pursuing as him trying to prove to me he loved me... in truth it was as simple as this. i was sick. and sick people are attracted to sick people for the most part.
since him, i have been in two relationships. one with a man that i settled for. he was nice, he never hurt me. he was always home and we had great conversation. but he was a video gamer... is overweight, does not pay his bills even when it was to my detriment, is MESSY messy. disgustingly so. but he was a friend and there for me during my pregnancy. i was single then, i was not attracted to him i told him no so many times. after 2 years of nothing changing... i left once i started school. i couldnt stand it anymore. i wanted life, not paycheck to paycheck in a dirty house. he was perfectly safe... but i felt better about myself and went out on my own. my daughter calls him daddy.
he still watches her for me 3 days a week while i am in school. his house is still disgusting... i hate that he doesnt raise her the way i want... but i dont know how to break the attachment... and i feel like an awful mother. he is great with her, and loves her, and is supportive of her... but its not how i want her to grow up, in dirty clothes and matted hair with mismatch everything going into the store. we fight about it all the time, and he thinks she is just fine. and this, was the healthiest relationship i have ever been in. because he is truly kind.
im single now. i was in another relationship, which we still talk of and on... but it is what it is right now. ill probabloy post about it when im done processing it.
I try to focus on progress i have made.
I will never let another man hit me, or tell me i am nothing. I do not believe, nor want to hear sob stories.
im learning my boundries, and how to enforce them. im learning about myself. and my everyday struggle
I have a standard now. i will not settle again. i never want to be that mess again.
the thing im having the most trouble dealing with is anger... and confusion.
the Narcissist is a master of disguise and manipulation. he manipulates common behavior so he appears normal. and uses that to manipulate our minds. after having been through that... im unsure where to draw the line. im trying to learn to be fair and not a total bitch. its now hard to accept that people make mistakes sometimes. cause now, any hint of what has happened to me before and im in flight or fight mode. i struggle with PTSD symptoms from my life. when i am triggered into this mode i can be unreasonable or unresponsive for a short time.
this is my current struggle, as i am utterly confused at how to establish a working relationship the way i am now.
Compared to you, my problems look like nothing and overly exaggerated.
I have never been hit by a partner. Only by my father a few times. As "punishment." Because I did something wrong. My ex-boyfriend used mental abuse on me, never physical.
I have never been pregnant. I never lost a baby.
I was with two men my entire life.
I have no idea what it means to feel like you do.
I feel deeply sorry for you Dracona.
I hope you're feeling better. (hug) xx
it is my habit of going two years without any intimate relationship after a break up. i spend that time focusing on myself. i see the unhealthy, consuming relationships as a distraction from fulfulling my true purpose. just like being that little helpless girl that was not allowed or supported to grow and bloom. before i get the point of accepting i need to get off the relationship merry-go-round, i usually spend some time seeking out a male fix for the pain and emptiness. these things NEVER work because i come from a needy, emotionally and spiritually unhealthy place.
right now, i'm free of any relationship encumberance. although some men have been putting out the vibe lately, i know i am not at a point to have much to offer. i'm still angry and bitter, although i am becoming more accepting that i choose an unhealthy man to massage and validate that unconscience perspective of myself of being not worthy or lovable. i hired him for my play and he played his part well.
i am working on myself now for the sake of simply being healthy and happy. i don't care if i ever find mr. right. my first relationship hiatus was 25 years ago. during that time, i quit drinking and went to alot of therapy. my self esteem and my expectation of life greatly improved and i became much more functional and intergrated.
the second hiatus i took about 15 years ago. i worked hard on my finances and focused on raising my children. paid off all my debt and bought a house.
this time around, i believe it's time to focus on my health. smoking is my oldest and most ingrained addiction. over the past couple years, i have worked hard to resolve financial hardship. my kids grew up and that man, as usual, took off with someone else. i don't have any of these type of things to distract me now. just one giant in-my-face issue that i can't run away from. i also must start having a social life. i have family, but i really get isolated and i honestly don't have a best friend or any friends that i can just do stuff with. it's good to be able to just work on myself right now, without the drama/excitement/pain of a relationship.
loving support to all of us.
I filed for divorce and was working for the Census Bureau... met a man who was married who flirted with me, he also wrote poetry.... we would go out and have cigerettes together I talked his brain out.... and realized years later that he just starred at me the whole time...using everything I said to get into my head and have me take care of him.... he moved in with me and got a divorce. he didn't work - I applied for jobs for him on line... he got one at a hospital... we moved from a small house into my sisters house... i was suppose to pay her rent for about 4 years.... gave her 30 thous dollars in cash so she could put some toward the loan on the house I was going to buy from her and some down on her house that she bought....plus I gave her 400 dollars a month to be paid on the loan... she was going to add 200 dollars of her money to the loan... to pay me back the 30 thous... and then when the loan was down to like 40 thousand after 4 years I would get a loan and we would be even... well the house went into foreclosure cause she did not pay anything... she denied she was in the wrong ..... i took out a subprime loan (not knowing at the time that the banks were seeking the vulnerable giving us loans and then jacking the payment up after a while... I made payments for a couple years... then the payments went up double and I could not pay .... so me and the man broke up we were together 7 years. I moved out cause I was in a panic.... had to get rid of 2 dogs... and a cat... moved... lived alone for 6 months - then met one man who I had sex with twice ... and he did not want anything more.. then I met my recent man... I moved back into the house that was in foreclosure cause at that time the banks were going to help people out... i lived there for a while and got denied help so moved in with a friend... that was a disaster so after 6 months moved back into the house until I got kicked out... that was for about 1 year... I filed bankruptcy for the second time and moved last November... I am still seeing the one guy off and on but know it won't last long...
throughout all that crap I received my bachelors degree and am now in a political leadership course to receive my masters... I quit a good job to take one that seemed more pleasing to me ....they let me go after 3 months cause i wasn't a good fit...(whatever that means) I did all the work and was just at a point where I could walk in and have anormal work day.. i was told I had 6 months to a year to get the office up and running (it was a brand new position starting from scratch, no computer or phones or anything the first day of work) so now I am unemployed and know I have to get out of the relationship because part of my poor decisions were because of being obsessed with the men in my life... my own fault but still i have to stop doing it... when i first started school i was staying away from him, i was getting good grades and had a good attitude at work.... the first 2 years we were together i drank along with him so we could stay together... that put me way down hill... the past 2 years i have not been drinking with him but still let it affect my schooling. and attitude... so it is time to focus on school, getting a job and getting my attitude and energy back up to a healthy spot... he is a hoarder and his house is a pig pen.... gross... a path to walk through it, open containers of food.... he washes his dishes outside cause he is too cheap to turn on the hot water.... in the summer he takes a shower outside or swims to clean up ickickick/ I didn't want to think of how he cleans up in the winter... he either doesn't or has other womens house he showers at , either way it is disgusting... why do i feel bad leaving this person??? dumb
i did tell him i couldnt go to his house cause it was too messy,,,, he harassed me so I was finally honest and told him it was tooo dang dirty... that I didn't want to hurt his feelings but it made me sick to be there... so now when he comes to my house he finds every little things to compare with his mess... my dog got sprayed by a skunk... so my house stinks worse than his... i forgot a plate of spagetti in the microrave for 2 days so now my house is dirtier than his.... granted skunk spray is stinky and it was gross to leave a plate in the microwave... but i have given my dog 2 baths and scrubbed the microwave to get it clean... know one has to be afraid to eat at my house, i clean and vacum cover my food and put it away... .. thanks for sharing your story... i have wanted to share the icky stuff but was feeling embarrased and stupid... but it is important to open up.... I also do not have friends and isolate myself from really getting close to people and letting them get to know me.... the real authentic me... the strong woman who can stick up for herself, make friends, hang around intelligent people and be appreciated for being smart, loving, kind, sensitive, strong, all the things the others put me down for and suck outta me..... at my political classes the motto is "NO excuses" I am working on that one... even thought the people i associate with are not nice and soul suckers is not an excuse for me to put up with them and stick around.... it is totally my fault for doing so... i have choices and have made bad one... now want to stop that cycle for good.... it is hard but with help from you all and God I/we will be ok.... I need to smarten up...;0)
I filed for divorce and was working for the Census Bureau... met a man who was married who flirted with me, he also wrote poetry.... we would go out and have cigerettes together I talked his brain out.... and realized years later that he just starred at me the whole time...using everything I said to get into my head and have me take care of him.... he moved in with me and got a divorce. he didn't work - I applied for jobs for him on line... he got one at a hospital... we moved from a small house into my sisters house... i was suppose to pay her rent for about 4 years.... gave her 30 thous dollars in cash so she could put some toward the loan on the house I was going to buy from her and some down on her house that she bought....plus I gave her 400 dollars a month to be paid on the loan... she was going to add 200 dollars of her money to the loan... to pay me back the 30 thous... and then when the loan was down to like 40 thousand after 4 years I would get a loan and we would be even... well the house went into foreclosure cause she did not pay anything... she denied she was in the wrong ..... i took out a subprime loan (not knowing at the time that the banks were seeking the vulnerable giving us loans and then jacking the payment up after a while... I made payments for a couple years... then the payments went up double and I could not pay .... so me and the man broke up we were together 7 years. I moved out cause I was in a panic.... had to get rid of 2 dogs... and a cat... moved... lived alone for 6 months - then met one man who I had sex with twice ... and he did not want anything more.. then I met my recent man... I moved back into the house that was in foreclosure cause at that time the banks were going to help people out... i lived there for a while and got denied help so moved in with a friend... that was a disaster so after 6 months moved back into the house until I got kicked out... that was for about 1 year... I filed bankruptcy for the second time and moved last November... I am still seeing the one guy off and on but know it won't last long...
throughout all that crap I received my bachelors degree and am now in a political leadership course to receive my masters... I quit a good job to take one that seemed more pleasing to me ....they let me go after 3 months cause i wasn't a good fit...(whatever that means) I did all the work and was just at a point where I could walk in and have anormal work day.. i was told I had 6 months to a year to get the office up and running (it was a brand new position starting from scratch, no computer or phones or anything the first day of work) so now I am unemployed and know I have to get out of the relationship because part of my poor decisions were because of being obsessed with the men in my life... my own fault but still i have to stop doing it... when i first started school i was staying away from him, i was getting good grades and had a good attitude at work.... the first 2 years we were together i drank along with him so we could stay together... that put me way down hill... the past 2 years i have not been drinking with him but still let it affect my schooling. and attitude... so it is time to focus on school, getting a job and getting my attitude and energy back up to a healthy spot... he is a hoarder and his house is a pig pen.... gross... a path to walk through it, open containers of food.... he washes his dishes outside cause he is too cheap to turn on the hot water.... in the summer he takes a shower outside or swims to clean up ickickick/ I didn't want to think of how he cleans up in the winter... he either doesn't or has other womens house he showers at , either way it is disgusting... why do i feel bad leaving this person??? dumb
i did tell him i couldnt go to his house cause it was too messy,,,, he harassed me so I was finally honest and told him it was tooo dang dirty... that I didn't want to hurt his feelings but it made me sick to be there... so now when he comes to my house he finds every little things to compare with his mess... my dog got sprayed by a skunk... so my house stinks worse than his... i forgot a plate of spagetti in the microrave for 2 days so now my house is dirtier than his.... granted skunk spray is stinky and it was gross to leave a plate in the microwave... but i have given my dog 2 baths and scrubbed the microwave to get it clean... know one has to be afraid to eat at my house, i clean and vacum cover my food and put it away... .. thanks for sharing your story... i have wanted to share the icky stuff but was feeling embarrased and stupid... but it is important to open up.... I also do not have friends and isolate myself from really getting close to people and letting them get to know me.... the real authentic me... the strong woman who can stick up for herself, make friends, hang around intelligent people and be appreciated for being smart, loving, kind, sensitive, strong, all the things the others put me down for and suck outta me..... at my political classes the motto is "NO excuses" I am working on that one... even thought the people i associate with are not nice and soul suckers is not an excuse for me to put up with them and stick around.... it is totally my fault for doing so... i have choices and have made bad one... now want to stop that cycle for good.... it is hard but with help from you all and God I/we will be ok.... I need to smarten up...;0)
I filed for divorce and was working for the Census Bureau... met a man who was married who flirted with me, he also wrote poetry.... we would go out and have cigerettes together I talked his brain out.... and realized years later that he just starred at me the whole time...using everything I said to get into my head and have me take care of him.... he moved in with me and got a divorce. he didn't work - I applied for jobs for him on line... he got one at a hospital... we moved from a small house into my sisters house... i was suppose to pay her rent for about 4 years.... gave her 30 thous dollars in cash so she could put some toward the loan on the house I was going to buy from her and some down on her house that she bought....plus I gave her 400 dollars a month to be paid on the loan... she was going to add 200 dollars of her money to the loan... to pay me back the 30 thous... and then when the loan was down to like 40 thousand after 4 years I would get a loan and we would be even... well the house went into foreclosure cause she did not pay anything... she denied she was in the wrong ..... i took out a subprime loan (not knowing at the time that the banks were seeking the vulnerable giving us loans and then jacking the payment up after a while... I made payments for a couple years... then the payments went up double and I could not pay .... so me and the man broke up we were together 7 years. I moved out cause I was in a panic.... had to get rid of 2 dogs... and a cat... moved... lived alone for 6 months - then met one man who I had sex with twice ... and he did not want anything more.. then I met my recent man... I moved back into the house that was in foreclosure cause at that time the banks were going to help people out... i lived there for a while and got denied help so moved in with a friend... that was a disaster so after 6 months moved back into the house until I got kicked out... that was for about 1 year... I filed bankruptcy for the second time and moved last November... I am still seeing the one guy off and on but know it won't last long...
throughout all that crap I received my bachelors degree and am now in a political leadership course to receive my masters... I quit a good job to take one that seemed more pleasing to me ....they let me go after 3 months cause i wasn't a good fit...(whatever that means) I did all the work and was just at a point where I could walk in and have anormal work day.. i was told I had 6 months to a year to get the office up and running (it was a brand new position starting from scratch, no computer or phones or anything the first day of work) so now I am unemployed and know I have to get out of the relationship because part of my poor decisions were because of being obsessed with the men in my life... my own fault but still i have to stop doing it... when i first started school i was staying away from him, i was getting good grades and had a good attitude at work.... the first 2 years we were together i drank along with him so we could stay together... that put me way down hill... the past 2 years i have not been drinking with him but still let it affect my schooling. and attitude... so it is time to focus on school, getting a job and getting my attitude and energy back up to a healthy spot... he is a hoarder and his house is a pig pen.... gross... a path to walk through it, open containers of food.... he washes his dishes outside cause he is too cheap to turn on the hot water.... in the summer he takes a shower outside or swims to clean up ickickick/ I didn't want to think of how he cleans up in the winter... he either doesn't or has other womens house he showers at , either way it is disgusting... why do i feel bad leaving this person??? dumb
i did tell him i couldnt go to his house cause it was too messy,,,, he harassed me so I was finally honest and told him it was tooo dang dirty... that I didn't want to hurt his feelings but it made me sick to be there... so now when he comes to my house he finds every little things to compare with his mess... my dog got sprayed by a skunk... so my house stinks worse than his... i forgot a plate of spagetti in the microrave for 2 days so now my house is dirtier than his.... granted skunk spray is stinky and it was gross to leave a plate in the microwave... but i have given my dog 2 baths and scrubbed the microwave to get it clean... know one has to be afraid to eat at my house, i clean and vacum cover my food and put it away... .. thanks for sharing your story... i have wanted to share the icky stuff but was feeling embarrased and stupid... but it is important to open up.... I also do not have friends and isolate myself from really getting close to people and letting them get to know me.... the real authentic me... the strong woman who can stick up for herself, make friends, hang around intelligent people and be appreciated for being smart, loving, kind, sensitive, strong, all the things the others put me down for and suck outta me..... at my political classes the motto is "NO excuses" I am working on that one... even thought the people i associate with are not nice and soul suckers is not an excuse for me to put up with them and stick around.... it is totally my fault for doing so... i have choices and have made bad one... now want to stop that cycle for good.... it is hard but with help from you all and God I/we will be ok.... I need to smarten up...;0)
I filed for divorce and was working for the Census Bureau... met a man who was married who flirted with me, he also wrote poetry.... we would go out and have cigerettes together I talked his brain out.... and realized years later that he just starred at me the whole time...using everything I said to get into my head and have me take care of him.... he moved in with me and got a divorce. he didn't work - I applied for jobs for him on line... he got one at a hospital... we moved from a small house into my sisters house... i was suppose to pay her rent for about 4 years.... gave her 30 thous dollars in cash so she could put some toward the loan on the house I was going to buy from her and some down on her house that she bought....plus I gave her 400 dollars a month to be paid on the loan... she was going to add 200 dollars of her money to the loan... to pay me back the 30 thous... and then when the loan was down to like 40 thousand after 4 years I would get a loan and we would be even... well the house went into foreclosure cause she did not pay anything... she denied she was in the wrong ..... i took out a subprime loan (not knowing at the time that the banks were seeking the vulnerable giving us loans and then jacking the payment up after a while... I made payments for a couple years... then the payments went up double and I could not pay .... so me and the man broke up we were together 7 years. I moved out cause I was in a panic.... had to get rid of 2 dogs... and a cat... moved... lived alone for 6 months - then met one man who I had sex with twice ... and he did not want anything more.. then I met my recent man... I moved back into the house that was in foreclosure cause at that time the banks were going to help people out... i lived there for a while and got denied help so moved in with a friend... that was a disaster so after 6 months moved back into the house until I got kicked out... that was for about 1 year... I filed bankruptcy for the second time and moved last November... I am still seeing the one guy off and on but know it won't last long...
throughout all that crap I received my bachelors degree and am now in a political leadership course to receive my masters... I quit a good job to take one that seemed more pleasing to me ....they let me go after 3 months cause i wasn't a good fit...(whatever that means) I did all the work and was just at a point where I could walk in and have anormal work day.. i was told I had 6 months to a year to get the office up and running (it was a brand new position starting from scratch, no computer or phones or anything the first day of work) so now I am unemployed and know I have to get out of the relationship because part of my poor decisions were because of being obsessed with the men in my life... my own fault but still i have to stop doing it... when i first started school i was staying away from him, i was getting good grades and had a good attitude at work.... the first 2 years we were together i drank along with him so we could stay together... that put me way down hill... the past 2 years i have not been drinking with him but still let it affect my schooling. and attitude... so it is time to focus on school, getting a job and getting my attitude and energy back up to a healthy spot... he is a hoarder and his house is a pig pen.... gross... a path to walk through it, open containers of food.... he washes his dishes outside cause he is too cheap to turn on the hot water.... in the summer he takes a shower outside or swims to clean up ickickick/ I didn't want to think of how he cleans up in the winter... he either doesn't or has other womens house he showers at , either way it is disgusting... why do i feel bad leaving this person??? dumb
i did tell him i couldnt go to his house cause it was too messy,,,, he harassed me so I was finally honest and told him it was tooo dang dirty... that I didn't want to hurt his feelings but it made me sick to be there... so now when he comes to my house he finds every little things to compare with his mess... my dog got sprayed by a skunk... so my house stinks worse than his... i forgot a plate of spagetti in the microrave for 2 days so now my house is dirtier than his.... granted skunk spray is stinky and it was gross to leave a plate in the microwave... but i have given my dog 2 baths and scrubbed the microwave to get it clean... know one has to be afraid to eat at my house, i clean and vacum cover my food and put it away... .. thanks for sharing your story... i have wanted to share the icky stuff but was feeling embarrased and stupid... but it is important to open up.... I also do not have friends and isolate myself from really getting close to people and letting them get to know me.... the real authentic me... the strong woman who can stick up for herself, make friends, hang around intelligent people and be appreciated for being smart, loving, kind, sensitive, strong, all the things the others put me down for and suck outta me..... at my political classes the motto is "NO excuses" I am working on that one... even thought the people i associate with are not nice and soul suckers is not an excuse for me to put up with them and stick around.... it is totally my fault for doing so... i have choices and have made bad one... now want to stop that cycle for good.... it is hard but with help from you all and God I/we will be ok.... I need to smarten up...;0)
I filed for divorce and was working for the Census Bureau... met a man who was married who flirted with me, he also wrote poetry.... we would go out and have cigerettes together I talked his brain out.... and realized years later that he just starred at me the whole time...using everything I said to get into my head and have me take care of him.... he moved in with me and got a divorce. he didn't work - I applied for jobs for him on line... he got one at a hospital... we moved from a small house into my sisters house... i was suppose to pay her rent for about 4 years.... gave her 30 thous dollars in cash so she could put some toward the loan on the house I was going to buy from her and some down on her house that she bought....plus I gave her 400 dollars a month to be paid on the loan... she was going to add 200 dollars of her money to the loan... to pay me back the 30 thous... and then when the loan was down to like 40 thousand after 4 years I would get a loan and we would be even... well the house went into foreclosure cause she did not pay anything... she denied she was in the wrong ..... i took out a subprime loan (not knowing at the time that the banks were seeking the vulnerable giving us loans and then jacking the payment up after a while... I made payments for a couple years... then the payments went up double and I could not pay .... so me and the man broke up we were together 7 years. I moved out cause I was in a panic.... had to get rid of 2 dogs... and a cat... moved... lived alone for 6 months - then met one man who I had sex with twice ... and he did not want anything more.. then I met my recent man... I moved back into the house that was in foreclosure cause at that time the banks were going to help people out... i lived there for a while and got denied help so moved in with a friend... that was a disaster so after 6 months moved back into the house until I got kicked out... that was for about 1 year... I filed bankruptcy for the second time and moved last November... I am still seeing the one guy off and on but know it won't last long...
throughout all that crap I received my bachelors degree and am now in a political leadership course to receive my masters... I quit a good job to take one that seemed more pleasing to me ....they let me go after 3 months cause i wasn't a good fit...(whatever that means) I did all the work and was just at a point where I could walk in and have anormal work day.. i was told I had 6 months to a year to get the office up and running (it was a brand new position starting from scratch, no computer or phones or anything the first day of work) so now I am unemployed and know I have to get out of the relationship because part of my poor decisions were because of being obsessed with the men in my life... my own fault but still i have to stop doing it... when i first started school i was staying away from him, i was getting good grades and had a good attitude at work.... the first 2 years we were together i drank along with him so we could stay together... that put me way down hill... the past 2 years i have not been drinking with him but still let it affect my schooling. and attitude... so it is time to focus on school, getting a job and getting my attitude and energy back up to a healthy spot... he is a hoarder and his house is a pig pen.... gross... a path to walk through it, open containers of food.... he washes his dishes outside cause he is too cheap to turn on the hot water.... in the summer he takes a shower outside or swims to clean up ickickick/ I didn't want to think of how he cleans up in the winter... he either doesn't or has other womens house he showers at , either way it is disgusting... why do i feel bad leaving this person??? dumb
i did tell him i couldnt go to his house cause it was too messy,,,, he harassed me so I was finally honest and told him it was tooo dang dirty... that I didn't want to hurt his feelings but it made me sick to be there... so now when he comes to my house he finds every little things to compare with his mess... my dog got sprayed by a skunk... so my house stinks worse than his... i forgot a plate of spagetti in the microrave for 2 days so now my house is dirtier than his.... granted skunk spray is stinky and it was gross to leave a plate in the microwave... but i have given my dog 2 baths and scrubbed the microwave to get it clean... know one has to be afraid to eat at my house, i clean and vacum cover my food and put it away... .. thanks for sharing your story... i have wanted to share the icky stuff but was feeling embarrased and stupid... but it is important to open up.... I also do not have friends and isolate myself from really getting close to people and letting them get to know me.... the real authentic me... the strong woman who can stick up for herself, make friends, hang around intelligent people and be appreciated for being smart, loving, kind, sensitive, strong, all the things the others put me down for and suck outta me..... at my political classes the motto is "NO excuses" I am working on that one... even thought the people i associate with are not nice and soul suckers is not an excuse for me to put up with them and stick around.... it is totally my fault for doing so... i have choices and have made bad one... now want to stop that cycle for good.... it is hard but with help from you all and God I/we will be ok.... I need to smarten up...;0)
I filed for divorce and was working for the Census Bureau... met a man who was married who flirted with me, he also wrote poetry.... we would go out and have cigerettes together I talked his brain out.... and realized years later that he just starred at me the whole time...using everything I said to get into my head and have me take care of him.... he moved in with me and got a divorce. he didn't work - I applied for jobs for him on line... he got one at a hospital... we moved from a small house into my sisters house... i was suppose to pay her rent for about 4 years.... gave her 30 thous dollars in cash so she could put some toward the loan on the house I was going to buy from her and some down on her house that she bought....plus I gave her 400 dollars a month to be paid on the loan... she was going to add 200 dollars of her money to the loan... to pay me back the 30 thous... and then when the loan was down to like 40 thousand after 4 years I would get a loan and we would be even... well the house went into foreclosure cause she did not pay anything... she denied she was in the wrong ..... i took out a subprime loan (not knowing at the time that the banks were seeking the vulnerable giving us loans and then jacking the payment up after a while... I made payments for a couple years... then the payments went up double and I could not pay .... so me and the man broke up we were together 7 years. I moved out cause I was in a panic.... had to get rid of 2 dogs... and a cat... moved... lived alone for 6 months - then met one man who I had sex with twice ... and he did not want anything more.. then I met my recent man... I moved back into the house that was in foreclosure cause at that time the banks were going to help people out... i lived there for a while and got denied help so moved in with a friend... that was a disaster so after 6 months moved back into the house until I got kicked out... that was for about 1 year... I filed bankruptcy for the second time and moved last November... I am still seeing the one guy off and on but know it won't last long...
throughout all that crap I received my bachelors degree and am now in a political leadership course to receive my masters... I quit a good job to take one that seemed more pleasing to me ....they let me go after 3 months cause i wasn't a good fit...(whatever that means) I did all the work and was just at a point where I could walk in and have anormal work day.. i was told I had 6 months to a year to get the office up and running (it was a brand new position starting from scratch, no computer or phones or anything the first day of work) so now I am unemployed and know I have to get out of the relationship because part of my poor decisions were because of being obsessed with the men in my life... my own fault but still i have to stop doing it... when i first started school i was staying away from him, i was getting good grades and had a good attitude at work.... the first 2 years we were together i drank along with him so we could stay together... that put me way down hill... the past 2 years i have not been drinking with him but still let it affect my schooling. and attitude... so it is time to focus on school, getting a job and getting my attitude and energy back up to a healthy spot... he is a hoarder and his house is a pig pen.... gross... a path to walk through it, open containers of food.... he washes his dishes outside cause he is too cheap to turn on the hot water.... in the summer he takes a shower outside or swims to clean up ickickick/ I didn't want to think of how he cleans up in the winter... he either doesn't or has other womens house he showers at , either way it is disgusting... why do i feel bad leaving this person??? dumb
i did tell him i couldnt go to his house cause it was too messy,,,, he harassed me so I was finally honest and told him it was tooo dang dirty... that I didn't want to hurt his feelings but it made me sick to be there... so now when he comes to my house he finds every little things to compare with his mess... my dog got sprayed by a skunk... so my house stinks worse than his... i forgot a plate of spagetti in the microrave for 2 days so now my house is dirtier than his.... granted skunk spray is stinky and it was gross to leave a plate in the microwave... but i have given my dog 2 baths and scrubbed the microwave to get it clean... know one has to be afraid to eat at my house, i clean and vacum cover my food and put it away... .. thanks for sharing your story... i have wanted to share the icky stuff but was feeling embarrased and stupid... but it is important to open up.... I also do not have friends and isolate myself from really getting close to people and letting them get to know me.... the real authentic me... the strong woman who can stick up for herself, make friends, hang around intelligent people and be appreciated for being smart, loving, kind, sensitive, strong, all the things the others put me down for and suck outta me..... at my political classes the motto is "NO excuses" I am working on that one... even thought the people i associate with are not nice and soul suckers is not an excuse for me to put up with them and stick around.... it is totally my fault for doing so... i have choices and have made bad one... now want to stop that cycle for good.... it is hard but with help from you all and God I/we will be ok.... I need to smarten up...;0)
I filed for divorce and was working for the Census Bureau... met a man who was married who flirted with me, he also wrote poetry.... we would go out and have cigerettes together I talked his brain out.... and realized years later that he just starred at me the whole time...using everything I said to get into my head and have me take care of him.... he moved in with me and got a divorce. he didn't work - I applied for jobs for him on line... he got one at a hospital... we moved from a small house into my sisters house... i was suppose to pay her rent for about 4 years.... gave her 30 thous dollars in cash so she could put some toward the loan on the house I was going to buy from her and some down on her house that she bought....plus I gave her 400 dollars a month to be paid on the loan... she was going to add 200 dollars of her money to the loan... to pay me back the 30 thous... and then when the loan was down to like 40 thousand after 4 years I would get a loan and we would be even... well the house went into foreclosure cause she did not pay anything... she denied she was in the wrong ..... i took out a subprime loan (not knowing at the time that the banks were seeking the vulnerable giving us loans and then jacking the payment up after a while... I made payments for a couple years... then the payments went up double and I could not pay .... so me and the man broke up we were together 7 years. I moved out cause I was in a panic.... had to get rid of 2 dogs... and a cat... moved... lived alone for 6 months - then met one man who I had sex with twice ... and he did not want anything more.. then I met my recent man... I moved back into the house that was in foreclosure cause at that time the banks were going to help people out... i lived there for a while and got denied help so moved in with a friend... that was a disaster so after 6 months moved back into the house until I got kicked out... that was for about 1 year... I filed bankruptcy for the second time and moved last November... I am still seeing the one guy off and on but know it won't last long...
throughout all that crap I received my bachelors degree and am now in a political leadership course to receive my masters... I quit a good job to take one that seemed more pleasing to me ....they let me go after 3 months cause i wasn't a good fit...(whatever that means) I did all the work and was just at a point where I could walk in and have anormal work day.. i was told I had 6 months to a year to get the office up and running (it was a brand new position starting from scratch, no computer or phones or anything the first day of work) so now I am unemployed and know I have to get out of the relationship because part of my poor decisions were because of being obsessed with the men in my life... my own fault but still i have to stop doing it... when i first started school i was staying away from him, i was getting good grades and had a good attitude at work.... the first 2 years we were together i drank along with him so we could stay together... that put me way down hill... the past 2 years i have not been drinking with him but still let it affect my schooling. and attitude... so it is time to focus on school, getting a job and getting my attitude and energy back up to a healthy spot... he is a hoarder and his house is a pig pen.... gross... a path to walk through it, open containers of food.... he washes his dishes outside cause he is too cheap to turn on the hot water.... in the summer he takes a shower outside or swims to clean up ickickick/ I didn't want to think of how he cleans up in the winter... he either doesn't or has other womens house he showers at , either way it is disgusting... why do i feel bad leaving this person??? dumb
i did tell him i couldnt go to his house cause it was too messy,,,, he harassed me so I was finally honest and told him it was tooo dang dirty... that I didn't want to hurt his feelings but it made me sick to be there... so now when he comes to my house he finds every little things to compare with his mess... my dog got sprayed by a skunk... so my house stinks worse than his... i forgot a plate of spagetti in the microrave for 2 days so now my house is dirtier than his.... granted skunk spray is stinky and it was gross to leave a plate in the microwave... but i have given my dog 2 baths and scrubbed the microwave to get it clean... know one has to be afraid to eat at my house, i clean and vacum cover my food and put it away... .. thanks for sharing your story... i have wanted to share the icky stuff but was feeling embarrased and stupid... but it is important to open up.... I also do not have friends and isolate myself from really getting close to people and letting them get to know me.... the real authentic me... the strong woman who can stick up for herself, make friends, hang around intelligent people and be appreciated for being smart, loving, kind, sensitive, strong, all the things the others put me down for and suck outta me..... at my political classes the motto is "NO excuses" I am working on that one... even thought the people i associate with are not nice and soul suckers is not an excuse for me to put up with them and stick around.... it is totally my fault for doing so... i have choices and have made bad one... now want to stop that cycle for good.... it is hard but with help from you all and God I/we will be ok.... I need to smarten up...;0)
I filed for divorce and was working for the Census Bureau... met a man who was married who flirted with me, he also wrote poetry.... we would go out and have cigerettes together I talked his brain out.... and realized years later that he just starred at me the whole time...using everything I said to get into my head and have me take care of him.... he moved in with me and got a divorce. he didn't work - I applied for jobs for him on line... he got one at a hospital... we moved from a small house into my sisters house... i was suppose to pay her rent for about 4 years.... gave her 30 thous dollars in cash so she could put some toward the loan on the house I was going to buy from her and some down on her house that she bought....plus I gave her 400 dollars a month to be paid on the loan... she was going to add 200 dollars of her money to the loan... to pay me back the 30 thous... and then when the loan was down to like 40 thousand after 4 years I would get a loan and we would be even... well the house went into foreclosure cause she did not pay anything... she denied she was in the wrong ..... i took out a subprime loan (not knowing at the time that the banks were seeking the vulnerable giving us loans and then jacking the payment up after a while... I made payments for a couple years... then the payments went up double and I could not pay .... so me and the man broke up we were together 7 years. I moved out cause I was in a panic.... had to get rid of 2 dogs... and a cat... moved... lived alone for 6 months - then met one man who I had sex with twice ... and he did not want anything more.. then I met my recent man... I moved back into the house that was in foreclosure cause at that time the banks were going to help people out... i lived there for a while and got denied help so moved in with a friend... that was a disaster so after 6 months moved back into the house until I got kicked out... that was for about 1 year... I filed bankruptcy for the second time and moved last November... I am still seeing the one guy off and on but know it won't last long...
throughout all that crap I received my bachelors degree and am now in a political leadership course to receive my masters... I quit a good job to take one that seemed more pleasing to me ....they let me go after 3 months cause i wasn't a good fit...(whatever that means) I did all the work and was just at a point where I could walk in and have anormal work day.. i was told I had 6 months to a year to get the office up and running (it was a brand new position starting from scratch, no computer or phones or anything the first day of work) so now I am unemployed and know I have to get out of the relationship because part of my poor decisions were because of being obsessed with the men in my life... my own fault but still i have to stop doing it... when i first started school i was staying away from him, i was getting good grades and had a good attitude at work.... the first 2 years we were together i drank along with him so we could stay together... that put me way down hill... the past 2 years i have not been drinking with him but still let it affect my schooling. and attitude... so it is time to focus on school, getting a job and getting my attitude and energy back up to a healthy spot... he is a hoarder and his house is a pig pen.... gross... a path to walk through it, open containers of food.... he washes his dishes outside cause he is too cheap to turn on the hot water.... in the summer he takes a shower outside or swims to clean up ickickick/ I didn't want to think of how he cleans up in the winter... he either doesn't or has other womens house he showers at , either way it is disgusting... why do i feel bad leaving this person??? dumb
i did tell him i couldnt go to his house cause it was too messy,,,, he harassed me so I was finally honest and told him it was tooo dang dirty... that I didn't want to hurt his feelings but it made me sick to be there... so now when he comes to my house he finds every little things to compare with his mess... my dog got sprayed by a skunk... so my house stinks worse than his... i forgot a plate of spagetti in the microrave for 2 days so now my house is dirtier than his.... granted skunk spray is stinky and it was gross to leave a plate in the microwave... but i have given my dog 2 baths and scrubbed the microwave to get it clean... know one has to be afraid to eat at my house, i clean and vacum cover my food and put it away... .. thanks for sharing your story... i have wanted to share the icky stuff but was feeling embarrased and stupid... but it is important to open up.... I also do not have friends and isolate myself from really getting close to people and letting them get to know me.... the real authentic me... the strong woman who can stick up for herself, make friends, hang around intelligent people and be appreciated for being smart, loving, kind, sensitive, strong, all the things the others put me down for and suck outta me..... at my political classes the motto is "NO excuses" I am working on that one... even thought the people i associate with are not nice and soul suckers is not an excuse for me to put up with them and stick around.... it is totally my fault for doing so... i have choices and have made bad one... now want to stop that cycle for good.... it is hard but with help from you all and God I/we will be ok.... I need to smarten up...;0)
I filed for divorce and was working for the Census Bureau... met a man who was married who flirted with me, he also wrote poetry.... we would go out and have cigerettes together I talked his brain out.... and realized years later that he just starred at me the whole time...using everything I said to get into my head and have me take care of him.... he moved in with me and got a divorce. he didn't work - I applied for jobs for him on line... he got one at a hospital... we moved from a small house into my sisters house... i was suppose to pay her rent for about 4 years.... gave her 30 thous dollars in cash so she could put some toward the loan on the house I was going to buy from her and some down on her house that she bought....plus I gave her 400 dollars a month to be paid on the loan... she was going to add 200 dollars of her money to the loan... to pay me back the 30 thous... and then when the loan was down to like 40 thousand after 4 years I would get a loan and we would be even... well the house went into foreclosure cause she did not pay anything... she denied she was in the wrong ..... i took out a subprime loan (not knowing at the time that the banks were seeking the vulnerable giving us loans and then jacking the payment up after a while... I made payments for a couple years... then the payments went up double and I could not pay .... so me and the man broke up we were together 7 years. I moved out cause I was in a panic.... had to get rid of 2 dogs... and a cat... moved... lived alone for 6 months - then met one man who I had sex with twice ... and he did not want anything more.. then I met my recent man... I moved back into the house that was in foreclosure cause at that time the banks were going to help people out... i lived there for a while and got denied help so moved in with a friend... that was a disaster so after 6 months moved back into the house until I got kicked out... that was for about 1 year... I filed bankruptcy for the second time and moved last November... I am still seeing the one guy off and on but know it won't last long...
throughout all that crap I received my bachelors degree and am now in a political leadership course to receive my masters... I quit a good job to take one that seemed more pleasing to me ....they let me go after 3 months cause i wasn't a good fit...(whatever that means) I did all the work and was just at a point where I could walk in and have anormal work day.. i was told I had 6 months to a year to get the office up and running (it was a brand new position starting from scratch, no computer or phones or anything the first day of work) so now I am unemployed and know I have to get out of the relationship because part of my poor decisions were because of being obsessed with the men in my life... my own fault but still i have to stop doing it... when i first started school i was staying away from him, i was getting good grades and had a good attitude at work.... the first 2 years we were together i drank along with him so we could stay together... that put me way down hill... the past 2 years i have not been drinking with him but still let it affect my schooling. and attitude... so it is time to focus on school, getting a job and getting my attitude and energy back up to a healthy spot... he is a hoarder and his house is a pig pen.... gross... a path to walk through it, open containers of food.... he washes his dishes outside cause he is too cheap to turn on the hot water.... in the summer he takes a shower outside or swims to clean up ickickick/ I didn't want to think of how he cleans up in the winter... he either doesn't or has other womens house he showers at , either way it is disgusting... why do i feel bad leaving this person??? dumb
i did tell him i couldnt go to his house cause it was too messy,,,, he harassed me so I was finally honest and told him it was tooo dang dirty... that I didn't want to hurt his feelings but it made me sick to be there... so now when he comes to my house he finds every little things to compare with his mess... my dog got sprayed by a skunk... so my house stinks worse than his... i forgot a plate of spagetti in the microrave for 2 days so now my house is dirtier than his.... granted skunk spray is stinky and it was gross to leave a plate in the microwave... but i have given my dog 2 baths and scrubbed the microwave to get it clean... know one has to be afraid to eat at my house, i clean and vacum cover my food and put it away... .. thanks for sharing your story... i have wanted to share the icky stuff but was feeling embarrased and stupid... but it is important to open up.... I also do not have friends and isolate myself from really getting close to people and letting them get to know me.... the real authentic me... the strong woman who can stick up for herself, make friends, hang around intelligent people and be appreciated for being smart, loving, kind, sensitive, strong, all the things the others put me down for and suck outta me..... at my political classes the motto is "NO excuses" I am working on that one... even thought the people i associate with are not nice and soul suckers is not an excuse for me to put up with them and stick around.... it is totally my fault for doing so... i have choices and have made bad one... now want to stop that cycle for good.... it is hard but with help from you all and God I/we will be ok.... I need to smarten up...;0)
I filed for divorce and was working for the Census Bureau... met a man who was married who flirted with me, he also wrote poetry.... we would go out and have cigerettes together I talked his brain out.... and realized years later that he just starred at me the whole time...using everything I said to get into my head and have me take care of him.... he moved in with me and got a divorce. he didn't work - I applied for jobs for him on line... he got one at a hospital... we moved from a small house into my sisters house... i was suppose to pay her rent for about 4 years.... gave her 30 thous dollars in cash so she could put some toward the loan on the house I was going to buy from her and some down on her house that she bought....plus I gave her 400 dollars a month to be paid on the loan... she was going to add 200 dollars of her money to the loan... to pay me back the 30 thous... and then when the loan was down to like 40 thousand after 4 years I would get a loan and we would be even... well the house went into foreclosure cause she did not pay anything... she denied she was in the wrong ..... i took out a subprime loan (not knowing at the time that the banks were seeking the vulnerable giving us loans and then jacking the payment up after a while... I made payments for a couple years... then the payments went up double and I could not pay .... so me and the man broke up we were together 7 years. I moved out cause I was in a panic.... had to get rid of 2 dogs... and a cat... moved... lived alone for 6 months - then met one man who I had sex with twice ... and he did not want anything more.. then I met my recent man... I moved back into the house that was in foreclosure cause at that time the banks were going to help people out... i lived there for a while and got denied help so moved in with a friend... that was a disaster so after 6 months moved back into the house until I got kicked out... that was for about 1 year... I filed bankruptcy for the second time and moved last November... I am still seeing the one guy off and on but know it won't last long...
throughout all that crap I received my bachelors degree and am now in a political leadership course to receive my masters... I quit a good job to take one that seemed more pleasing to me ....they let me go after 3 months cause i wasn't a good fit...(whatever that means) I did all the work and was just at a point where I could walk in and have anormal work day.. i was told I had 6 months to a year to get the office up and running (it was a brand new position starting from scratch, no computer or phones or anything the first day of work) so now I am unemployed and know I have to get out of the relationship because part of my poor decisions were because of being obsessed with the men in my life... my own fault but still i have to stop doing it... when i first started school i was staying away from him, i was getting good grades and had a good attitude at work.... the first 2 years we were together i drank along with him so we could stay together... that put me way down hill... the past 2 years i have not been drinking with him but still let it affect my schooling. and attitude... so it is time to focus on school, getting a job and getting my attitude and energy back up to a healthy spot... he is a hoarder and his house is a pig pen.... gross... a path to walk through it, open containers of food.... he washes his dishes outside cause he is too cheap to turn on the hot water.... in the summer he takes a shower outside or swims to clean up ickickick/ I didn't want to think of how he cleans up in the winter... he either doesn't or has other womens house he showers at , either way it is disgusting... why do i feel bad leaving this person??? dumb
i did tell him i couldnt go to his house cause it was too messy,,,, he harassed me so I was finally honest and told him it was tooo dang dirty... that I didn't want to hurt his feelings but it made me sick to be there... so now when he comes to my house he finds every little things to compare with his mess... my dog got sprayed by a skunk... so my house stinks worse than his... i forgot a plate of spagetti in the microrave for 2 days so now my house is dirtier than his.... granted skunk spray is stinky and it was gross to leave a plate in the microwave... but i have given my dog 2 baths and scrubbed the microwave to get it clean... know one has to be afraid to eat at my house, i clean and vacum cover my food and put it away... .. thanks for sharing your story... i have wanted to share the icky stuff but was feeling embarrased and stupid... but it is important to open up.... I also do not have friends and isolate myself from really getting close to people and letting them get to know me.... the real authentic me... the strong woman who can stick up for herself, make friends, hang around intelligent people and be appreciated for being smart, loving, kind, sensitive, strong, all the things the others put me down for and suck outta me..... at my political classes the motto is "NO excuses" I am working on that one... even thought the people i associate with are not nice and soul suckers is not an excuse for me to put up with them and stick around.... it is totally my fault for doing so... i have choices and have made bad one... now want to stop that cycle for good.... it is hard but with help from you all and God I/we will be ok.... I need to smarten up...;0)
I have nothing to compare to any of these tales. LIke zero.
I have absolute respect for the mountain you have all walked up. I feel honoured to read your stories and see your strength.
I appreciate all of it.
Dracona, I liked your admission that you were both sick. I think it is too easy to forget our part in our current day (adult) relationships.
Amazing.