I would say its completely true that i confused anxiety with excitement over my ex. It was weird because the guy I loved before my ex who was really caring with me and really knew me and loved me, there was no excitement. There was no drama. There was no crazy driving or dramatic sayings or dramatic actions. It was very subtle. Yet with my recent ex it was the complete opposite. And i was actually convinced that I loved my ex more than my first love. I still don't know if I even loved my ex...because i don't know if i ever really knew him...! I feel like all i knew about my ex was what he wnated me to know.

My book by Bradshaw says if you get all that tingling and crap....RUN. Its familiar. The more tingling and euphoria the more dysfuntional the relationship will be...and it sure has been right on for me. I cant find anyone I am even remotely interested in. I would like to date..but there is noone to date...

But I don't WANT to give up the tingling and euphoria. That's like throwing the baby out with the bathwater. That wonderful high has always been what makes everyday worth waking up for. Can't we just figure out a way to have that high and be healthy at the same time? God, I've said those words before in this room. I don't really want to go through the rest of my life never knowing that feeling again.

susyP its been nearly 3 months of no contact except for one text message that he sent me a few weeks ago after his latest supply left him and i did not respond. I understand due to everything that i have learnt here and am continuing to learn that yes its the iLLusion im missing.Im okay again now after afew hours of feeling sad because it didnt take me long to remember the trainwreck that he is so maybe i am further advanced in my healing than i thought.Im at peace at the moment i feel with working on my own issues and healing i dont have this need to date again right now and i know that because ive just had the date and i guess if it leaves you feeling more messed up than giving you any joy then its a no go.I had a laugh when you described when you would sit at a table hating everyones talk around you because thats how i was feeling even with the poor guy i was with,as he was talking i just kept thinking i dont want this BS conversations i just want to get in my car and go home.susyP i also along with everyone here value what you do for us so much and i get anxious at the thought if you leave the group but i understand you have yourself you have to nuture as well.You will be missed very much.

How do you even find normal people to date? Only the creeps come out of the woodwork when I'm around....I'm much better at picking up signals but I thought I was being overly selective with my husband and he turned out to be the most selfish, manipulative person ever...I couldn't dream up someone that would hurt me in the ways he has. Is there hope? How do you find good men?

How do you find a good man....by finding yourself FIRST.
Until you have done that --- until you Know ThySelf and Love Thy Self you will not attract a "good" man nor will you be attracted to one.

LadyTrue: your book by Bradshaw.... what "specifically" does it say regarding tingles and "crap"..... because it is VERY wonderful and important to have those in a healthy attraction to the opposite sex. Those are good things just so long as they are not Controlling you or Overpowering you and that is where the INTENSITY can run amuck by the way N's manipulate and use that Attraction.

At any rate, it would be good to expound a bit more on what the author is specifically speaking to "in context" - I would be interested in what he/she has to say.

I would be curious also, as I have not read that book, but I can tell you that my therapist told me that xn's energy felt familiar to me because he had the same energy as the person that had sexualy abused me as a child.

She said to remember that feeling and know that later on, if I ever get THAT feeling to know it means danger.

In the book, The Gift of Fear, Gavin DeBecker also states the same thing, that our body will not let us down.

There are feelings which have to do with excitement of meeting someone new and there are feelings of danger and anxiety. We must learn to differenciate between the two.

Another thing that is very important is fantasy thinking. I can remember with xn the fantasy thinking started right away. Since he was everything I ever wanted on paper (seemed to be the ideal man), I decided this was so. I did not sit back and critically observe him. I was like a silly puppy, I wanted him to like me SO MUCH that is all I could think about. Does he like me? Does he like me? I never once stopped to evaulate if this was a kind man that was worth of me. Because he was neither kind nor worthy.

What he was was intense, passionate, sexy, and exciting. I equated good manners with good character. These are all mistakes I will not make again. But the biggest lesson was not in isolating his behaviors but in my extreme neediness of wanting a relationship and deciding he was perfect for me when he was anything but.

Right on, Fenax. Thank you.

When I start getting nostalgic, and I do, I had a seriuos bout last night, it is really helpful to remember that the incredible connection and flow between me and the X was my addiction. If he were a drug, or a drink, or gambling I would miss him just as fiercely and feel incomplete and disapointed without him. That is why it is an addiction.

I do miss him sometimes painfully we shared a life together and the good times were really good, that is how it works, but they were lived in the shadow of very bad times, and I always knew the bad was coming. I think that is what made the good times seem even better, they were a sweet reprieve from the fear and anguish of the bad times. That was his game, hurt me and then comfort me. But the hurt was always wating right around the corner, and the good times got fewer and farther between all the time. Plus he always used the good times against me too. "I did this for you, I did that for you. I take care of you, treat you like a queen". He would break my things and then expect credit for replacing them. He would lie to me about something and then expect credit for telling me the truth. Every gift, every night out, every tender word came with a price or an expectation.
He was smart, funny interesting. He knew how to make me happy, but it was always with strings attached and it was always part of his agenda.
I chose to be in the relationship with him, but I would never do to him or anyone else the things he did to me. so why was it ok for him to do them to me? Just because he was kind sometimes, because the sex was good, because we had a "connection" is that the price it takes to hit me, spit in my face, lock me out of the house all night, burn me with cigarettes, break my computer, my phone, the doors in my apartment? Not every N is this violent, but that doesn't mean it isn't just as hurtful. The truth was that his physical violence was a lot easier to endure than his mental and emotional games.

HI Hamoney, I too went on a date recently, and felt exactly as you did. The man was nice, nice looking, and fun. I was walking to meet him at a restaurant and was wearing new shoes. I felt stupid for wearing new shoes as I figured they would start to hurt my feet later on in the evening, I started to cry as I was walking to meet my date...can you imagine crying! I remembered going to meet my xN for our first date, I was happy, smiling, upbeat and looking so forward to it. Our first date was wonderful and it drew me to him immediately. I feel as if I will never have a first date like that again, I feel as if I will never have the same passion and all that good stuff again. I spent the entire date with the nice man thinking about my ex. So I do know exactly how you feel. I guess we are just not ready yet. I am sure we will be someday but not yet.

It helps us all to know we are not alone in feeling like this connection. I have fleeting good moments now whereas not to long ago my days were dark. I know im not ready yet to give to someone else i hope i am again oneday but at this moment in time i dont want to date again.The other night proved that to me.Maybe some day hey ?

OHhhhh, such a good point..."So did it really flow or was it more of the illusion. It is true that we got along very well. But that is because I get along with almost EVERYONE." LOL! This I never thought of! LOL! It is so true, I do get along with almost everyone and so of course we got along splendidly...until I started expressing MY desires, MY opinions...etc.

I can't believe I am still crying over my XN. Ok so even though we had no intimacy for over a year...I was trying to be empathetic and caring while the entire year he was out screwing his new supply behind my back. And YES, it was a shock when I found out only a little over a month ago. So I guess it's too early to expect not to be dying inside. Some days I feel ready to date, other and most days I feel like I'm a train wreck and I would never be able to date. Of course I feel like a N radar detector right now so that isn't helping either!