Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
I have not been home long after being on my first date since XN and i split and it has shown me i am so not ready. The guy was a lovely person and pleasant to talk too but the whole time throughout the meal and making small talk i was feeling more and more miserable. I kept thinking of XN the whole time wishing it was him sitting in front of me and all the things we used to do. Then i started to feel sad thinking that i am never going to find anyone again who i have that connection with. XN and i had it from the moment we set eyes on each other.It just flowed with us. I feel so pathetic now that i almost feel back to square one.I would rather be on my own i think if its not XN oh what a mess up i am.Has anyone else felt like this when dating again?
I enjoy the moments and am VERY alert to Red Flags like I never knew before.
I expect much and accept nothing less than your very best foot forward in character, speech, and overall.
I take a good solid outside look at them and if for any reason they ruffle even One tail feather (my intuition that something is a bit off) then I begin to ask questions of Myself - write my thoughts out and Find out What it is. Sometimes I find the reason other times not so obvious but even still I trust myself and Listen and do not date that person again -- period.
It is all about deception. Either I am being deceived by someone or I am deceiving myself (when my Intuition flares up).
No reason not to date -- Just keep knowing what you've learned, Trust in it and Trust in yourself to know the Truth about yourself and others.
I definitely agree that you should listen to You.....if you know you are not ready to date then YOU should definitely NOT do it just because you are lonely - that would be the inappropriate reason to begin dating again. Follow your Instincts -- listen to that Still Small Voice.
If you date before you Know you are ready then that is dangerous.....you will likely Latch on to something way to early or Miss important Red Flags.
Funny you should mention this as I'm just getting home from a nice date. The guy is very good to me. I've been out with him before but I can not shake the feelings of just wanting to be friends. It doesn't flow like my relationship with the XN. I feel guilty for missing a very screwed up & abusive man. I'm guessing that he somehow validated me. I just want a normal relationship. I want to feel normal & ok. I'm feeling like I need to take a step back too & really understand & love myself. I truly believe I can't be in a loving relationship until I get my emptiness figured out. I've got a void that I try to fill & I can't seem to do so on my own. I wish I could afford a therapist. ..
How long has it been since the break up and that you went NC? I remember the first few times I went out after the break up (and these were not remotely dates but simply social events - dinners w/ friends) etc that I had those same feelings.
I swear I must be an acardemy award winning actress because I remember being at one dinner and just HATING EVERYONE AT THE TABLE with every fiber of my being. I was like, how it is that people think the world is normal when I am dying. I just wanted to be WITH HIM. Later this gal posted on FB: How great it was to meet me and how funny and entertaining I was with all my funny stories.
But now it is not like that at all. I never think of him when I am out. I see him clearly so I never long for the illusion.
In my mind, he does not equal fun, excitement and tons of great chemistry and hot sex. No he equals a train wreck of pain which took me MONTHS to get over.
I am not trying to say that nice guys are boring because all nice guys are NOT boring. I know several that are interesting, intelligent, well traveled, love adventure, etc. BUT remember that the hallmark of pathology is INTENSTITY.
From Martha Stout:
Sociopaths learn early on to show sham emotion, but underneath they live only to dominate others and win.
They have a kind of glow or charisma that makes them more charming or interesting than the other people around them. They are more spontaneous, more intense, complex, or even sexier than everyone else.
They crave stimulation and excitement, often showing brief intense enthusiasms that they later drop.
They are seductive, encouraging others to take risks.
They will tell you that you are just like them. Don't believe it.
So that is the part that you are missing. The illusion and the excitement.
No one is going to come along and make you forget about the patholoigical. It does not work that way. The only one that would would be another pathological and that is the last thing you want.
So take your time. There is no rush. The world is not going to run out of men if you take some time off to heal. Who ever is meant to be for you will be there when you are healed and ready to receive them.
xn: what do you like to do?
me: indy and foreign movies.
xn: me too. I love them. what else?
Me: international cuisine
xn: I love that also
etc, etc.
So you think BINGO I found it!!!
Later on, and looking back, xn and I think went to maybe 3 movies our entire time together. I normally go to 2 or 3 movies every week. So that was bullshit.
International cuisne - I love trying all sorts of food and I am fortuante to live in a major city with every kind of restaurant imaginable. I go to Korean, Thai, Vietnamese, greek, etc. restaurants. Apparently his idea of international cuisine was Chinese. That is all he wanted to eat. EVER. Chinese, chinese, chinese.
On his birthday I told him I wanted to take him to either a fancy French restaurant or a cool middle eastern restaurant where they have belly dancers. He said: why can't we go for Chinese? Oh, OK, mr. adventurous eater. NOT.
So did it really flow or was it more of the illusion. It is true that we got along very well. But that is because I get along with almost EVERYONE.
BINGO!!!!!!!!
When I date now it must feel natural and flow with balance .... if any kind of ONE emotion FLOWS with INTENSITY such "OMG I just want to be around him I NEED to feel him...." NO!!!! No good. Why is that overwhelming -- why? More than likely because he is Forcing that NEED upon me.....he is SMOTHERING me with sweet talk and calls and texts all the time that I BEGIN to LOSE "ME" and begin to be SWALLOWED up by Him.
Watch that! INTENSITY...........
Balance is what we're after.
Hitting you on the points just right like the 3 Bears with the porridge: Not too cold, not too hot....but Just right. And be sure to pay attention to your Intuition even then because it will tell you if there is a FAKE in there somewhere. Like Susy P pointed out....they hone in on US very well and will FAKE what we like in order to deceive us and capture what they otherwise Cannot have.
When a man really hits you on all 4 points: emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually - they should have balance and not make you anxious or overwhelmed or hurt you in ANY way and they should be consistent and you should see how it is natural and not FAKE like Susy P and the things they FAKE talk about that you LIKE but they truly don't give a rats butt hole about International Cuisine or Indy Movies.....Take care of THY Self Ladies and WATCH for these Red Flags!!
You should still be YOU and the fella you are interested in should be GREAT with that and they should be Them.....not a Meshing of togetherness but a Compliment of togetherness.
Right now I have been dating a few fellas -- and one in particular has hit all 4 points with me.....take our time and see -- there is no emergency - no rush. Love shouldn't be or feel like that. It should feel good, calm, exciting, but relaxing - and NO PAIN when they talk to you, .... NO Jabs or Stabs ..... it should be just Right like the porridge. Always just like the porridge and it should be consistent as time goes on -- if there is a change in the porridge TAKE HEED!
Well, that's my analogies to compliment Susy Ps.
We only have one of these Lives Ladies --- and we've wasted enough of the thing that is most precious in this life and all too fleeting ...... TIME........with an xN.
Be wise and move on -- following your Intuition and keeping the Warnings and Truths we've learned here close to your heart and mind and on YOUR WALLS!!!! LOL!! -- but seriously!
In Light,
Fenax