Wives of Alcoholics Community Group

A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.

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Caitface 12/26/2016

My ABF and I have been together for three years, lived together for two. Although he's functional and has a job, he's always had a drinking problem. It's gotten worse within the past six months. He doesn't drink during the work week, but spends any day he has off wasted. Hes started drinking as soon as he wakes up on his days off. We visited my parents for Christmas and although he didn't drink at the family gathering, every night on our three days off, he was super drunk.

At best, he's annoying when he's drunk. He interrupts whatever I'm doing and expects me to listen to whatever he wants to drone on about. Or do what he wants to do. At worst he goes on long, dark rants and says awful things while I have to keep my composure and try not to react to what he says. It's so draining and if I try to walk away he just follows me.

The thing is, every time he puts in even the slightest effort into our relationship, I see that he's trying and forgive him for all the other stuff. I always take care of buying all our groceries and this week he bought them and I felt like that was a huge gesture, even though in a normal relationship it would just be normal. And he felt like he needed a pat on the back for helping to buy Christmas presents for my family, and I gave it to him.

Why do I feel the need to forget all the bad things and reward him for even the smallest effort?

Being with someone who's drunk all the time is so miserable and draining. I just don't know how to change. I still love him so much.

bluesprite72 12/26/2016

I've always found that they want a pat on the back for anything small that they do. But when he have done a major cleanup, or major shopping or anything else big, we get nothing for it, because we deal with everything all the time. But if you don't point out that one thing that they did, that they don't normally do, we get in trouble for saying nothing. They are just big babies, that throw fits when they don't get their way, yet don't know how to function as a normal adult.

SteelMagnolia 12/28/2016

My dear sweet woman....I just ended my relationship like this and I have 3 kids and one on the way. I did the same thing over and over again. My breaking point was him driving drunk with my kids in the car and passing out behind the wheel. Thank God they weren't hurt. I'm pregnant with his baby....I'm telling you that we become addicted to the lies and the promise of better days the way they are addicted to the booze. You have to separate what's real in front of you and what you just hope to be real....I'm here for you....

AMarie 12/30/2016

Steelmagnolia is right, we become addicted to the lies and the promise of a better days. There are moments I remember why I fell in love with my husband. However, it's a horrible feeling to realize your living alone when your spouse/significant other is right there. My AH puts in almost no effort but will put me on a guilt trip because he bought food, although he lets half of it go to waste by being drunk and leaving it out all night or burning it to a crisp in the oven. You need to ask yourself if you are willing to be in this same situation 5/10/20 years down the road.

Brigid 01/05/2017

Yep. I could have written this. It is draining and depressing and frustrating.

I don't know what else to tell you, except you are not alone.

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