I think that what you're experiencing is the loss of hopes and dreams of a good life more than anything else, and possibly fear of the unknown. Everyone is different. Some are happy to be gone within days and others take more than a couple years. If you truly miss him and don't think you can do it without him, then ask yourself why did you leave. Apparently things got bad enough that you felt you needed to leave, and going back may only make them worse, because he knows that you probably won't leave again and may even make fun of you for doing it or make snide remarks about your time away, in a sense making your life miserable because you abandoned him - as he sees it.

And, truthfully, of all the alcoholics I've known in my life - and I've known a lot - they do not wait around for someone who has left. I have only seen one man who was determined to do everything he could to get his wife back - other than stop drinking. And he eventually did get her back, but only because she was injured and needed him to help take care of her after the injury. He has since stopped drinking, but is not working a program, and so I feel it's just a matter of time before he goes back to drinking, since he's surrounded by it totally with family and friends. Alcoholics move on very quickly to someone else. I'm not sure why, but that is a pattern I've seen in every single alcoholic I have ever known, save this one man. They may eventually get back together with their spouse or ex, maybe not, but they always find someone else to "lean on" while separated. My ex-brother-in-law still calls my sister and tries to convince her to get back together, and they've been divorced for over 20 years, and he's had several girlfriends and wives in between, and was not faithful to her while they were married.

IMO this is the "disease" we get from being In these types of relationships. I was shocked when he left me for another alcoholic. I had been so unhappy. I truly feel he was and is still my addiction. I have been divorced for over 3 years and finally split completely over 9 months. Not a day goes by that I don't think about him. But I no longer cry and cry and cry. When I was that upset about losing him all I did was try to figure out how to reconcile. Drinking and all.

We did reconcile and he was cheating with same girl within 6 months. THEN I finally found my anger. This 2nd split doesn't hurt near as bad. I truly believe I needed time to accept my new life because I never wanted to be divorced. I know my crying was because the loss of my dreams...married until death and an intact family.

I don't ask "why" very much any more. It is what it is. Alcoholics do move on quickly. Lots of talks with my EXAH and I know he isn't a happy guy but tries to use alcohol and another woman to make him happy. I truly believe a person has to find happiness within themselves.

Expect it to take a few years. My goal is one day of him not crossing my mind. Hasn't happened yet but he isn't on my mind 24/7 either. My 2nd goal is to stay strong if and when him and her totally end everything because I don't trust him not to try to pursue me because that is common too. So I have him blocked.

Allow yourself to grieve. Cry it out. Don't put a timeline on it. Look how many years it took to break. Will take time to get over it

Hugs because I know it hurts

I'm sure the fact that you are not in familiar surroundings (living out of a suitcase) is making this even more difficult for you. You must feel like a fish out of water. And the holidays are probably not helping either.

It seems like living on the roller coaster for the past 20 years became your norm. That constant turmoil, as much as we don't like it, consumes us. We want it out of our lives, but when it is no longer part of our lives, it creates a big void. Perhaps try to fill that void with new interests (or old interests that you've gotten away from over the years).

Stay strong. It must have gotten pretty unbearable for you to have left. Each day behind you gets you closer to being that person you once were again, before all the years of exposure to alcoholism. Focus on yourself and spend time doing things you love to do.

Even though by the time I left I was fairly angry and had finally given up on 'saving' my AH it still took a good year for me to get past the emptiness I felt every time I thought of him. Sometimes it still sneaks up on me. I was just doing some Christmas shopping and I saw something and thought, "Oh, T would LOVE that! It's the perfect gift." It took my brain a few seconds to catch up and remember that I will never buy him another gift and will never celebrate Christmas with him again. It sucked the breath out of me and made me sad for awhile. After 17 years together it's hard to break old habits even after how crappy he treated me. I also feel sad just thinking about our boys having to grow up in a broken family and I cry about how unfair this whole situation is for them. I don't know how long it takes, or if we ever get over it completely. I do know that everyday you will get a little stronger, everyday you will cry a little less, everyday you will feel a little better. Focus on the things that make you happy...listening to music, taking a bubble bath, going for a walk or to a museum or out for coffee with a friend. Maybe voluteer somewhere if you are able to. Giving back is a wonderful way to heal, provides a nice distraction and may help you make new friends. Be gentle with yourself, things will get better.

Thank you all for the comforting words. It is so helpful to hear that you have all been where I am at. Only someone who has lived this knows what it is truly like. I have wonderful friends and family but they have a hard time relating to how I'm feeling. They are all so angry at my AH and are wondering why I can't get to the angry stage. I think the holidays,, not having my own place, that I just had surgery 2 weeks ago and the legal battles are all just overwhelming me at the moment. I'm going to visit my sister in Canada over Christmas. My 21 year old son is going with. I can hardly wait to get away!!

Good that you are getting away. I find the holidays the hardest because the holidays is about family. We just have to get used to our "new" family.

Have a wonderful trip to visit your sister. It will be nice for you to get away and focus on something happy.

I understand your feelings and the struggle.I experienced the same thing.You can search my posts here in this group, but mainly in some others as well.You will get stronger/better if you will continue in recovery for you.
Hugs,
Ross

I just read some of your old posts and WOW how similar all of our situations are. My AH has completely justiified wanting a divorce because I was the one who left! He said it was my choice. But did I choose to have an alcoholic as a husband?? No! Did I know this when I married him 23 years ago and moved to Germany with him? No!
It is true, I feel that I am mentally damaged from this madness that took place over the last 20 years. It was all consuming! I was an expert in keeping this a secret and putting up a front. Only my very closest friend and my kids really knew. and now there is a huge void.
All I can say is that I am soooo happy for this support group. I wish I would have found it sooner. All of your insihgt and support is really helping me. Thank you!!!!!

I feel the same.I didnt find an al-anon till late 2011 a few months after my AH left.Before, after that ,ost all of my support had to come from groups online like these! I can't express how much it has helped me to reach out and there be responses.I found real support online, somethng I guess a person might not expect.
Flash forward(ive been married 24 yrs two days before Christmas, and I can tell you, life gets better, you get stronger, more hope comes, lessons and sunshine will arise from the dreaded pain that you would do anything to escape from.I have my days, but gosh! it is better...getting better all the time , Im thinking, as long as I keep reaching out and working my recovery.

Exactly what I needed to hear this morning! Thank you again!
I'm looking at an apartment today with a friend. It's a strange but good feeling. I'm trying to take steps to bulid a future for myself that does not include my AH. Like you all have told me one day one step at a time. I have alot of healing to do and through all of your wisdom, I now know this will take time and not happen overnight. But what I hear you all saying is that it does get better with time. This gives me the hope and strength that I need to keep on pushing forward and not give up on myself.