Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
One, I start my counseling this morning, and am looking forward to this. Maybe the beginning to the end of some of my pain.
Secondly, my AH just won't let me have anything good in my life. He "retailiates" when something good happens for me. I got to spend the day yesterday with two of our kids, at a fun event provided by one kid's summer job. This kid specifically invited me, and paid for my admission. We had so much fun together. But then at dinner, AH was drunk, and had to keep on about my going to this event, not in a nice way, but saying passive-aggressive stuff, trying to get me to feel badly about going. He does this with absolutely everything. I had on new socks a couple of weeks ago, socks, they were just socks, he had to make a big negative deal about my buying myself some socks. And then proceed to get drunk. I am coming to understand how he slyly controls me. He makes me feel bad for anything good in my life, so then I purposely avoid participating in anything good, declining invites with friends/kids, don't buy myself things I need. I haven't had a professional haircut since 2012. I have to cut it myself. The last time I got a haircut, he got drunk after, and then told me how we needed that $10 (I used a coupon and went to a cheap place) for tires for his car. Yet, there's always money for him to buy booze. I'm taking a trip, next month with my 2 youngest kids, and I haven't told AH yet, because he will try to "punish" me from when I tell him to weeks after we return. This is an insane way to live. I am so thankful God pushed me to make this counseling appointment for today.
As I read your post something in my head clicked that I never realized until just this minute. I feel guilty every single time I do something for myself regardless of how small. I even hide purchases, and I mean things as insignificant as socks. I do this even though I earn more than half our household income. I never knew why I felt that way. Now I do. Thank you. It's to avoid his reaction which is nothing more than manipulation. I just can't believe I've never noticed how it was affecting me. Well that ends today. I'm going out tomorrow and getting my nails and hair done. Might even buy a new outfit.
I'm so glad you had fun at your event today and a trip to look forward to. He's going to pick on you no matter what, you may as well make it worth it! I also wouldn't tell him until last minute. Good luck with your appointment!!
Bloomy, good luck with your counseling appointment. I think it will be validating for you. God is watching out for you. He knows how painful this is.
Cadeer, isn't it crazy the things that sneak into our lives. I hide purchases, too. When I have to replace clothing, I will purposely choose something that looks just like the worn out thing I'm replacing, so it can fly under the radar. Have a grand time getting your nails and hair done! I may get a haircut myself!
As for counseling -- the appointment went well. It was mostly an intake interview. She asked me a bunch of questions, basic stuff so she could make sure I was stable. She asked about my moods. We talked about depression. We talked a bit about family history (my father was an alcoholic), and how that may have affected me. But we didn't get into much of anything. That will happen next week.
Her homework for me was to look up info on ACOA (adult children of alcoholics), look at common traits, and see if any of it fit me. Oh, wow, nearly every trait on the list is me. There's a flip side to ACOA traits, and that's where the acoa acts out some of the very things that happened in their own childhood, on people they're currently with, like spouse and kids, such as being controlling, expecting perfection. I could see myself in some of that as well. And I'm glad for the opportunity to change that about my own behavior.
And she gave me a brief bit of perspective on something I'm dealing with with my oldest kid. She framed the situation well for me, took the emotion out of it. So, all in all, a really good start. I know it won't all be easy. But I'm really looking forward to being a better me.
Wishing you, both, a great weekend!
I guess selfishness and alcoholism go hand and hand. My alcoholic husband is selfish too.
Enjoy your trip with your kids. It sounds like it will be a lovely time to celebrate your family and progress.