Wives of Alcoholics Community Group

A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.

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notmyselfwhenhere 10/29/2014

I try so hard to think of his alcoholism as a disease. But tonight...tonight I feel like the drinking was a decision - a choice he made. His sister died last week and I know he feels he "deserves the right" to de-stress and relax. I know it. so many other times when he "slips", it's been depression and he hasn't wanted to get out of bed. Today, he got out of bed, ran some errands and then chose to drink. He is starting a new job in just over a week so didn't work today and doesn't need to work for 10 more days.

It's very hard to not plan for divorce or separation when I feel he's making a choice and it's not "just the disease". He's passed out upstairs while I sleep on the couch.

deleted_user 10/30/2014

Hi, I know just how you feel. :-(
We are here all the time to support our husbands and when they constantly tell you that they WILL NOT DRINK ANY MORE, you try to believe them.
I have been by husbands side for months and months while he tries to remain sober but constantly he "falls of the Wagon".
He was seeking help from "Smart Recovery yesterday and before he went to the appointment he had a bottle of wine.
Only 2 days ago, he begged me to not abandon him!
He's going to AA and I drive him to the meetings (his lost his driving license) hoping that he will finally find a way stop drinking.
He's a kind loving man normally and when he drinks he's still a kind a nice man but drunk and not the husband I married.
Yes, I do think it's disease but I also think there is an element of choice. We do not have alcohol in the house so mu husband MAKES THE CHOICE TO GO TO THE LOCAL SHOP AND BUY ALCOHOL!!
I hope you find some peace today. It's such a horrible place for us wives to be in. To love and understand a Alcoholic husband puts an enormous, stress and pressure on us.
Take Care.

Chapelle 10/30/2014

I know how hard it is to believe it, but it is not a choice but an addiction. yes, they go to the store to buy the alcohol, but it is because they know how they will feel without it. They need it. It was a choice years ago to enjoy the effects of it, and it added up over the years and became a disease. I know exactly how you feel. I don't really look at it as a disease, because that doesn't help me - it helps me when I think of it as a drug addiction. Because that is exactly what it is. If someone is taking an off the street drug - they will go broke just to get the next dose into their system. Even take for example, prescription drugs - If someone is on sleeping pills for too long, they can't go to sleep without them, if someone is on antidepressants, they can't smile without them. Our husbands can't function without alcohol, because their mind and body craves it. You have to look at it this way, I know it's hard. My husband always makes fun of people who need their "Xanax" for anxiety. Well, I laugh in my head, because his beer is/was his Xanax. He couldn't cope with stressful events in life without the crutch of drinking. I don't know your story, but if your husband is truly an alcoholic, and has admitted it, and does indeed want to work on the problem - then your marriage does have hope, but you have to be the strong one!!! I know I am being blunt, but I am only trying to help.

NovScorp 10/30/2014

Staying busy could be a coping mechanism,,Then when he slows down the need to drink because more difficult to avoid..I know my husband was like that...He has been sober since Jan,,but if a family died I would not be surprised to see him turn to alcohol. Like Chapelle expressed,As long as he keeps trying and he is not abusive give him a chance.

hope0612 11/01/2014

Of course it is a choice.

Once he is sober, he made a conscious decision to go to a store, buy a bottle, and drink it.
It is possible that he has underlying mental issues such as depression and he is drinking to self medicate -- he should see a professional if this is the case.

But once he quit drinking, it was his choice to drink again.

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