Wives of Alcoholics Community Group

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Tired

ConfusedAndTired
ConfusedAndTired

I’m just so confused these days I don’t know where to turn or who to talk to that will be able to understand what I’m going through so it’s brought me here seeking some possible advise I guess...I have been with my husband for 4 years only married for 1 year and I knew from the beginning he had a drinking problem but I myself was drinking more than I should have as well. About a year went by and I realized this was no way to live so I got my s**t together I had a few slip ups where I would drink on the weekend and have too much but I was genuinely trying to change I knew I couldn’t be that person anymore just a little background into my situation.  When I first met my husband he was drinking anywhere from 5-15+ beers a night..almost everyday...fast forward to year 2 he starts to say cruel things to me make me feel bad about myself or criticize me for what I’m NOT doing around the house and would never remember what he had said the next day..it would hurt me so bad I would cry myself to sleep and he would always wake up the next day I would remind him of all the terrible things he said and I would forgive him with the promise of not letting it happen again.  I started getting on him about the drinking..cut back to about 4-8 beers daily...year 3 we got married and November that year I made a big decision because I just couldn’t handle his harsh words and constant criticism when he was drinking and since there was lack of improvement I moved out...he missed out on our honeymoon..which I decided to go on with my mother out of fear of what had happened when he and I took trips together in the past which would consist of him drinking all day then when night came and I was tired and he wanted to drink more the name calling would start I was a “b***h” “grandma” “no fun” and I would be stuck with that for a week not this time no thanks! After all the planning I did for my honeymoon I decided I wasn’t taking risks and needed to relax after moving out and It made him realize I wasn’t messing around and he got his stuff together and stopped drinking completely...after a month of him being sober and against my families advice I moved back home he did great for about 2 more months but that’s when I started noticing the signs all over again...he had begun drinking again but “only one beer”is what he would say but he had done that in the past and I would find beer cans in his truck..in the truck bed..in our outside garbage..he was sneaking it behind my back! The sad part is He honestly thinks he can control himself but he just cannot and here we are today he drank everyday this last week with no guilt or care in the world about what I think or have to say or feel about it...he says I’m trying to control him..we’ve gone so far backwards and he doesn’t believe he has a problem. Im just so tired of the same arguments over and over and over.  When is enough enough? 

maries1978
maries1978
Confusedandtired...i swear so many things about what your living mirrors my life with my husband. 7/6 will be six MONTHS that we have been married. I too married him knowing he had some issues. However when we got together he had stopped drinking and started taking meds for his mental diagnoses and wanted to have a healthier life. Not long after we moved in together he started a little at a time....the drinking started occasionally then eventually it was more and more and more often than not. A year after we got together i kicked him out and told him i was not going to be with a drunk. He hit rock bottom at that point and eventually we decided we wanted to work things out and we both made some serious changes for the sake of our relationship. One of the big changes was he quit drinking cold turkey. This was in October. In November he went up for baptismal in our church but our pastor would not baptize him because we were "living in sin"...We got married in January and got baptized together in February. By March he fell off the wagon and while it started out gradually it has now come full circle and he is drunk more often than not. I rarely get to see him sober anymore. I admit i instigate a lot of the arguments because i am angry but i cant help it and often times it results in him saying mean things to me and me crying myself to sleep and my cries falling on deaf ears and then when he is sober he will want everything to go back to normal and me to brush everything under the carpet and i am just not wired like that. I always ask the same question you asked...when is enough enough...i think i just realized this last weekend that the more i fight him on it the more he will do it. Just to rebel and be stubborn. And i also know that it will be an act of God if he quits cold turkey again. So i have to decide now if I want to totally surrender and pray that God remove the poison from his life or if i need to give up on the only man i have ever truly loved. I guess we are fighting our own battles also.
refurb
refurb
loyalty matters, i applaud yours &maire1978
i believe in vows
you've both honored yours
"when is enough, enough?"
when the person you are loyal has proven that they are more loyal to the booze
i think enough has been shown
sevier
sevier
My advice is to get out before you have kids. I feel stuck because we have kids and I can’t leave him because I don’t want my kids to be alone with him on weekends. If he says he’ll change make him prove it and be sober for at least a year before you try again. But don’t have kids with him!
pietro84
pietro84
Family history of alcohol and/or abuse in his family & background? Yours?
bluesprite72
bluesprite72
Enough is enough, when the person who cause you pain and sadness, does not care that they are the reason for that. And like pietro said, when you realize that the alcohol comes first over everyone and everything, especially you.
Love yourself and become your own hero. Save yourself from this sinking ship.
Laura82
Laura82
If i could go back and tell myself 3 years ago to get out, i would. Whatever you do don’t have kids with him. I stay because i am scared of him having joint custody and something happening to my kids when he is drunk and i am not around to protect them. After years of trying to get him to get help and better, i feel i have made no progress. I know it is easy for others to say to leave, i just wish i could go back and tell myself that. You could move out and then try counseling and see if anything gets better. But the hiding hurts and after years of constantly searching to see if they hid bottles, it just sucks. It sucks you can’t trust them and sucks even more when you find the bottles. It sounds like you have put up with a lot. And the mean name calling really is unacceptable. Even if drunk he shouldn’t speak to you like that. I know i didn’t really have much advice but sending you support!
ConfusedAndTired
ConfusedAndTired
Pietro84, His father struggled with alcohol and drug addiction but has now been sober for Aprox 8years I believe. Alcoholism also runs in my family so that is why I am so adamant about the issue because I don’t want to live that life I’ve seen it as a child and don’t want my children to grow up in that environment. And we wanted to start trying and he says when I’m pregnant he will completely get it together but it terrifies me and I DO worry about being trapped because I don’t know how that would go down if we had kids then I leave...my mom has been telling me not to have kids with him. He goes through phases...daily drinking after work for a couple months to getting it together and only drinking on weekends that also lasts for a couple months...it’s such a rollercoaster and I’m just not sure if I want to stay on it anymore. It just feels so good to be able to talk about it “out loud” so to speak and have someone understand what I’m going through because lately I’ve been having a hard time with it.
harrisbaby
harrisbaby
I have a similar story except my AH got especially verbally aggressive the last 3 weeks. I have left him 3 other times and went back with very little assurance he would even attempt to be sober which I take full responsibly. I hate to say it but the old adage seems true at least in my life: once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. My elderly father who cannot get his own alcohol due to blindness was still able to obtain hard stuff from someone outside the family. The worst thing with the 3 alcoholics in my family is they see very little wrong with what they were doing and my pointing it out to them made little difference except to provoke retorts full of degrading comments about controlling women (like myself, allegedly).
I just moved out from my AH for good and with great grief. I drew the line when he started trying to make me feel ashamed of myself. As you know as a sober person, you know you have a clear perspective of the situation yet the drunk party will argue with you til the end of time. There is no winning.
As I have learned in Al Anon, you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. All you can do is take care of yourself. In my case, I had to get out never to return. It's so hard to face, but you will reach a point when you know it will never change on their end. I ignored that reality and went back 3 too many times. I am now facing divorce. I feel lost but I have faith I will heal and believe me, you will heal also, just be patient and don't allow those wounds to be torn open over and over. I will be thinking and praying for you!
pietro84
pietro84
“...he says when I’m pregnant he will completely get it together...”

That is one of the stupidest things I’ve ever read.

Um...no. Not how that works.

Parenting a newborn and committing to 20+ years of daily teamwork and a great many ups and downs is not when you “prove your man enough to say no to a drink”

Especially with the family history, he needs to man-up and prove that he can get his shit together now...prove he has the spine to show his remarkable wife he humbly asks forgiveness and vows to stay true to himself and to her. Then maybe enough trust might be reconstituted to have a serious conversation about bringing a child into this family with a full-on committed effort to break the cycle of dysfunction and addicted behavior,

Confusedandtired, unless he can string together 2 or 3 years of really solid sobriety with full authentic commitment to the effort, I think your mom’s impulses are right on the money.

may the force be with you
pietro84
pietro84
Harrisbaby,

In AA there is a phrase that is pulled from the promises and is repeated often. “Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly”.

4th time is a charm, I hope for your sake. Never too late for a new beginning that will bring the best days of your life..

My mom got married at 88 and is the happiest she has ever been.

I hope you transition to civilized life and the lifting of the dark emotional burden brings insights and enlightenment.

Karma owes you some peace and love.

may the force be with you
endlessgrief
endlessgrief
When is enough enough? you ask. NOW IS WHEN, RIGHT NOW. Keep reading the posts from women who have been stuck in that life for decades, who have children and homes with these men and can't leave. You are still young, consider yourself feeling this way for decades.

Sorry to be so blunt. I just wish someone had shook me back when I took him back after he got stinking drunk and treated me like shit on one of our early dates waaaaay back in the 80's.
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