Welcome, sorry you had to find us, but glad you did. Always here to lend an ear or a shoulder. I haven't been a member long but have found a lot of comfort in these ladies as I'm sure you will too.

Best of luck in finding some peace for yourself.

Thank you bookworm44 - it is too bad that we need to be here, but I just think back to the "old days" before Feminism and the Internet. The women before us would sit quietly in their houses and suffer. Thank God for the internet and a more open society!

Good point! good ol' days, my aunt fanny.

I second what Bookworm said. Sorry you need us, glad you found us.

I am so happy to have found this group yesterday. My AH and I have been together for 20 years. We were high school sweethearts and best friends. His drinking problem began about 9 1/2 years ago when his grandfather and father passed away. He has been sober a few times during those years but not for more than 3-4 months at a time. He is what they call a happy drunk. That's probably one of the reasons that I have stayed with him. That and I know the kind of man he used to be and held on to the wish that he would go back to being that man. The only time he quits though is when I threaten to leave. Well, I have reached the point in my life where I am done tolerating his behavior any longer. I don't want our 2 children to think that having an 18 pack in the frige everyday is a normal thing. I don't love the man he has become. He has been sober since I told him these things 6 weeks ago. He did start AA meetings and went faithfully for 2 weeks but says he doesn't need to go anymore. I know I can't make him go but it's a huge disappointment to me that he already stopped going. Now I feel like it's just a matter of time before he starts drinking again.

I really had no idea there were so many women dealing with the same thing. Unless you live with an AH it's hard to really understand how a person is feeling. A few of our friends have assumed that everything is better now that he has quit drinking. They don't realize how deep the hurt & wounds go. They haven't lived with the lies and broken promises.

Right now I don't know what will happen with my marriage. He is trying to get me back into his comfort zone and I am not willing to go back there. I will not make any committments or promises to him right now. I can see that this is torture for him but it's what I need to do for myself. I have to find a way to have peace in my life. All I want is to smile, laugh and be happy again. I don't know if that's possible with him or not. All I can do is live one day at a time. Thank you to all who have shared your thoughts and feelings on here. It is a comfort to me knowing I'm not crazy for the way I feel.

Sassy,

Sorry the AH gave up on the AA so quickly. Mine flat-out refuses to go and thinks I am "becoming just like his mom" since I found a support group and the book One Day at a Time in Al-Anon. If he only would realize that those are two reasons why I am still here. The only reasons I was able to stay sane through his drinking and give him another chance to quit. I told him he would just have to "deal" like I've had to for the last 10 years with his drinking. This is his 4th week of being sober. I don't know how long he will stay that way, but one day at a time.

My new motto in life is this: God help me to accept my powerlessness over alcohol and its effects. I will direct my efforts to improving the one life over which I do have control, my own. (Al-Anon).

Hope things work out for you.

Sassy - I hear you about how deep the hurt goes. Recently when my AH had a "slip" in his sobriety, which lasted 3 days, he was so frustrated that I couldn't "get over it". He thought by saying, "I'm done. Sorry I made a mistake", that all the pain and hurt from the lies and stress would just disappear.

I agree with Bookworm that Al-Anon and their mottoes help. You have to focus on yourself and how you feel and what you can do to manage your own life.

I'm new too and it is amazing how good it feels to know that I am not alone. My AH is just now realizing that it's not about him anymore. It's about me and what I need to feel as whole and healthy as I can feel living with an alcoholic. I have promised myself that I will learn as much as I can about being codependent and to make myself better. I am working very hard at not letting the alcoholics in my life steal my sunshine. But, Lordy, it is SO hard. I keep fighting the thought that I am being "mean" and selfish when I distance myself, speak about what I am feeling and what I need. But, practice makes perfect!

mjmh - It is such a journey we're all on....and it's just so great that we have communities like these to remind ourselves that we're not being mean or selfish when we expect respect and love from our partners - alcoholics or not. Friends have asked why I married him or why I stay...and there are many reasons but it's also because if I do not change...if I do not grow and learn to not be codependent or to nurture his demons, then it wouldn't matter if it were him or someone else. If I do not become the woman I can be, then I will repeat the patterns of my life.

My therapist always reminds me to "look for the patterns". What keeps happening over and over and what is your role in it? Can you change your role?

That is my journey...

I have to agree with you notmyself, I think that we have the right to expect a little respect and love and that its not mean or selfish. I can't count the thousands of times that I shielded and protected my AH from things just to avoid the fight or having to have "that conversation" with friends and family about why he didn't do this or why he did that. It was a waste of my time and totally not fair to me, not to mention they all knew I was covering for him anyway.

I finally realized that my "role" in our little drama was not making either one of us any better and just decided to let it go. When I think of all the gray hairs I could have saved myself from all the worry it makes me sad, how much time I wasted on beating myself up, being ashamed of the situation and wondering if it was me that made him drink. What a waste of time and life!

The one thing that I really "got" from Al-Anon was the fact that you can't change anyone except yourself and your view. It took me a long time to realize that his drinking was not my fault, did not mean that I was lacking in some way, that I wasn't providing him with the "something" that he needed to not drink and most of all I learned that the more you react to them when they drink the worse they get. Inaction IS the best action.

My AH has been sober since June 6. Just over a month now. The feelings that are coming with that are a new thing to deal with. It takes a conscious effort not to wait for the other shoe to drop or the "slip" (what a useless word) to happen. It's funny, because since he quit drinking, other things that happen in daily life don't seem to be such a big deal anymore. I don't know if its my new way of thinking that is causing that or what, actually I don't really care where it comes from as long as I can hang onto it. Life is much more enjoyable now that I learned to see it from a different view.

Sometimes you do have to just "let it go" and give it up to a higher power or you make yourself totally nuts with it.