I'm so sorry, i'm not good at giving advise I seem to do wrong on everything I try when it comes to my AH. We have been together for 30 yrs and I can tell you that it gets harder and harder as we get older. I never wanted my kids to suffer, my biggest fear was having them in a broken home not knowing who he would take them around if we were to divorce. It's a scary thing but now I so wish I would have done so many things different! I used to throw out whiskey bottles when I found them then I figured whats the use he's just going to buy more. He works and is the main provider so I don't know what to tell you on taking away his bank card, but I would think your justified but taking it if your the one working to pay the bills. What if it were him working and you had the drinking problem do you think he would take your card? I know my AH sure would he took me off his bank account years ago and i'm not the alcoholic! Good luck to you and I pray that you find answers.

Thank you, I appreciate you taking the time to respond. Has your husband ever gotten help? I'm trying to talk my husband into getting a sponsor, I've heard AA really works if you dedicate to it. I took his card btw. He seemed upset but I was surprised he wasn't as upset as i thought he's be. May God have mercy on us!!!

he's been to detox 3 times, the longest he stayed was a few days basically sober up and leave. Years ago he had to do AA for a DUI program, he want even consider going again. Says its a joke! It's only a joke because he doesn't want to make the effort. My AH is a functional Alcoholic, he never misses work. I feel like his co workers that have worked with him for years have to know that their is a problem. I see how he shakes if he doesn't drink and I guess his body is adapted to the drinking. He works 8 hr days goes straight to the liquor store when he leaves work but on the weekends he's up and leaves the house between 9-11 to get his whiskey. I don't know how he functions at work, and have been told that eventually he will drink at work. but I don't know if he would or not. Work is the only thing right now that he valves enough to be sober, and he's very safety cautious. Good for you for taking the card, your in a different place than I am. As far as being in control of the money. I never really thought of how much money he spends on alcohol until someone asked me the other day. I don't see his account but as I added it up it would have to be about $100-150 a week. He's always blamed me for not having money or the fact that he's worried that he will retire in 10 yrs and we have nothing saved. I've been so naive over the years of what his drinking was doing to our relationship. I've let it dictate everything I do. I'm recently back into church and strongly believe its keeping me sane. I just pray to God daily to give me the strength to do what I need to do to keep the peace.

I’ll pray for you and your family. God has really been the only one who keeps me sane. I used to dump out the bottles too, but found he’ll just go buy more and will have consumed more by me doing so. My AH was sober for about 8 months and just fell off the wagon. This week. It’s hard. I’ve to taken away the debit cards but he just took me off of his account. I have him on mine for emergency purposes but I take his card away if he starts drinking. At least I have control over my acct which includes his portion for the bills. I’m sorry we’re all dealing with this. I wish I knew all the answers but I don’t. I can tell you yelling and complaining doesn’t work well with my AH. Just being the best me I can be and mother to our kids seems to be guilt enough for him to sober up from time to time.

Put your child first. I was in a similar situation, and I knew that I did not want my child in the care of my husband because I couldn’t trust him not to drink. I told him he needed to go back to work, and with 2 incomes we could pay for daycare. Aren’t you concerned about him being under the influence while taking care of your child, or perhaps even driving with him/her? Constantly wondering about that caused me far too much anxiety.

It is such a tough situation. I know what you mean about hiding it from people. My family knows my AH has a drinking problem but my mom is the only one that truly knows everything and knows how bad it is. My AH family knows everything but they don’t care. They’re all alcoholics too. And major enabling tools to him and his drinking. I don’t let him bring alcohol home. If he does I dump it. He has had sober months and has had a great attitude during those months in between his binge drinking stints. When he has a good attitude he has thanked me for not ever giving into him. I know everyone’s situation is different tho. I’m not good at giving advice because I don’t know what to do myself lol but I do know that this group is so fabulous for support and for keeping your sanity! I log on here and read others experiences and I immediately don’t feel so alone. I hate that there are others going thru this crap but having people to relate to helps so much! Hang in there and just focus on prayer and being the best mom you can be. It’s difficult some days I know. Just try to be as positive as you can! Hugs to you friend!

first things first, stop hiding. we are so afraid of what this will do to us and THEM that we stay in the dark and we suffer. and it is WRONG. do not hide. tell your friends, tell your family, tell your priest. you will find love and support. you know we hide because we know it's wrong, and he wants you to hide because he knows it's wrong and he doesn't want to be chastised for it. it's not wrong to love him, and it doesn't mean you have to leave him. but you cannot hide anymore, because the weight of it will kill you. don't bother taking his bank card, he will only get another one. my SO would give me his and then go to the bank and tell them he lost it or an ATM ate it. in terms of money, open a new account that he does not have access to and pay the bills from there. we also just opened a joint account between myself, my AH and my MIL who lives with us, for bills. I have noticed liqour store purchases and I have said to him we are not funding his alcoholism. Granted, he has been through rehab and has made huge changes in his life, but the lingering mistrust and hurt will take a long time to go away. trust me, do not have a joint account because he is only thinking about himself, not the family, when he swipes that card and spends money you need for bills or food. he is taken care of, that's all that matters. conventional wisdom says do not dump his bottles because he will only buy more. i used to dump them, i also used to line the empties up so he would know that i know. this is all passive aggressive behavior that just exacerbates the issue - i get angry, he stays drunk, no one wins. you NEED to have a talk, but first, you NEED to develop a support network. a therapist, a counsellor, a support group like al anon, etc., friends, family... you need that support to help you deal with this horrible chapter in your life. i felt so isolated and alone for so long and then i started telling people and i eventually realized i DON'T need this man in my life, i don't need him to do anything. and i felt an extreme sense of relief and peace at that. i wish i could say that we are doing excellent, but it's still hard every day. will he come home drunk and belligerant? is today going to be the day he decides to hit me? or our daughter? one step at a time, one day at a time. you just have to remember you did not create his addiciton, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it. i'm probably echoing the ladies above but that's okay, it's an important message and you need to remind yourself of that. lots of love your way

I agree..... I began telling trusted friends and found to my surprise that many of them are living that same nightmare. The support is incredibly soothing. I have no reason to be ashamed. And it is nice to have a friend to call when you need to get out of the house for a hug.
Cute story..... I have a friend who found herself in yet another relationship with an alcoholic. She was always there for me ! One torturous evening I sent her a one word text: FUCK...... she replied: get over here right away! Well, I’m walking up to her front door, her arm comes out holding a lovely glass of wine, a very large glass of much needed and greatly appreciated wine. She has since moved away, but in troubled times that wine bearing arm comes to mind and I can breathe again.