Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
it's been a while since I last posted anything... I've been trying to get my life together,but it's been a crazy. I've been married to my husband for 22 years. My husband has had a drinking problem that has gotten worse over the last 4 years. He's been going out drinking stating that he was going out with guy friends... things were not making sense and I had come across one of his texts when I tried to turn off music he had running from his phone. The text was with one of his employees and implied that he was having some type of affair. He denied there was anything physical and blamed me for not supporting him and that was the reason he turned to his employee. He said he'd end the "relationship", but that didn't happen as he had continued to text her(per cell phone records) and stayed out until the bars closed when he was apparently at work events with this employee.
It all came to a head when he went out to a work event with this employee, but never came home. He didn't text or call to say where he was and the next morning I then did "find my IPhone " and was able to see he was at a residential location. The next day I confronted him and ask him to tell me the truth about where he stayed. He tried to say he stayed at a hotel, and I then told him that I knew where he stayed based on the Find my IPhone. He got defensive and denied that anything happened and stated he just slept on her couch.
I accepted that excuse because I was scare about the relationship being over, but I don't know what to do anymore. Even though the cell phone account shows he hasn't been texting her, I'm afraid that there is still something going on between the two of the,maybe through another way of communication, as he's still going out and doesn't tell me where he is at, yet comes home drunk.
He has started seeing a therapist, but continues to blame me and the kids for his drinking problem. I have also been seeing a therapist and trying to get stronger to make the right decision. I'm just tired of being blamed for everything and feel like a doormat right now...
Not sure if I should hold off and get stronger before making a decision on whether I should stay or go. We have 2 kids and they know something is going on...
Bless you sister in suffering. Prayers and hugs for strength and perseverance for things to come.
okay, let's just give him the benefit of the doubt and say he did sleep on her couch, and he maybe isn't in a romantic affair with her, and he was at some business event the whole time, and he is just going out with the guys.
Even if all of that bs was true, ask yourself this -- is he treating you in a way that makes you feel you are loved, respected, cherished, and the one and only woman of his life? If he was treating you in that way, he would have called you, he wouldn't stay out to all hours, even with work-related things (other guys who go to these work events manage to get home to their wives and families), he wouldn't make you feel so crazy, and he wouldn't come home drunk!
Your AH is not appreciating you, at all. He isn't showing love and respect. He isn't cherishing you. And you deserve a man who will love and respect, cherish you, and make you feel safe, emotionally and well as physically. You absolutely deserve way more than you're getting with this man. He isn't showing you by his actions that he is choosing you above everything else.
Start broadening your circle of support, through al-anon or Celebrate Recovery meetings, Bible studies, meetings with a pastor or other people within a church, like Stephen's Ministers, who are there to walk alongside you in your struggle. Adding people to my list of those who will be kind and compassionate, has really helped me. Your AH's friends likely won't be a good source of support for you, as they'll feel awkwardly in the middle of something they'd really not like to get in the middle of.
You don't have to choose today. You can start rebuilding your own life, apart from what he's doing, right now. And then, if down the road, you find he's really working on himself, maybe he'll fit into your life. Don't put pressure on yourself to leave or choose to stay forever, right now. People have told me that I'll know what I want, when I know, and not a minute sooner. In the meantime, I'm working on me so that with or without him, I will have a happy life. Sending hugs and a prayer.