Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
Have we talked about sabotage lately? I was looking at past posts and the one topic that I didn't read about that is really bothering me this weekend about my AH is sabotage. He repeatedly sabotages his life. We've been together 5 yrs and he has been sober and in recovery the whole time. He has drank and then gone back into recovery. We've done a couple stints of rehab and marriage counseling. He even tried his own therapist. But he just won't/can't do it. I do..I go to a therapist and I try to work on me.
But anyway, the reason for this post is that he seems to try to mess up his life. He has a very good job right now and has worked for this company for 3 yrs. He's received 2 promotions already. But you would think he cleans port-a-potties for a living! He hated his manager. Got a new manager...and now hates this one too. Um...do we think it's the managers or you? So last Thursday he decides to drink. Calls me as I'm driving home to "be honest and tell me that he drank, but not a lot". (gee, thanks) During this phone conversation, he says he is going to call his boss to talk about why he's so unhappy. Um...my response, "No one should call their boss after drinking. No one. I'm not just saying that to you. That is advice I'd give anyone." REALLY?!?! We have a mortgage and car payments and a life to pay for...and you want to call your boss while drinking?!?!
He didn't. And he stopped drinking. And he didn't even drink that much because he was able to drive his car on Friday morning which has a built-in breathalyzer device since he's had 3 DUIs and that is now required in our state.
But really...in addition to everything else we deal with, do we have to always be on guard for when the AH decides to sabotage his life? I had to come right out and say "we have bills to pay so quitting your job wouldn't be good for us". Thankfully he listened. But I just wish I didn't have to worry about this too. Can't I just worry about your health - mental and physical? Can't I just worry that you'll drink and not go to work someday and then ask me to call your boss and say your sick? Do I really have to worry that you're going to call drunk and quit? Not to worry, honey, I know none of this is your fault. ugh
So that's my topic for today - how do your AH's sabotage their lives?
But anyway, the reason for this post is that he seems to try to mess up his life. He has a very good job right now and has worked for this company for 3 yrs. He's received 2 promotions already. But you would think he cleans port-a-potties for a living! He hated his manager. Got a new manager...and now hates this one too. Um...do we think it's the managers or you? So last Thursday he decides to drink. Calls me as I'm driving home to "be honest and tell me that he drank, but not a lot". (gee, thanks) During this phone conversation, he says he is going to call his boss to talk about why he's so unhappy. Um...my response, "No one should call their boss after drinking. No one. I'm not just saying that to you. That is advice I'd give anyone." REALLY?!?! We have a mortgage and car payments and a life to pay for...and you want to call your boss while drinking?!?!
He didn't. And he stopped drinking. And he didn't even drink that much because he was able to drive his car on Friday morning which has a built-in breathalyzer device since he's had 3 DUIs and that is now required in our state.
But really...in addition to everything else we deal with, do we have to always be on guard for when the AH decides to sabotage his life? I had to come right out and say "we have bills to pay so quitting your job wouldn't be good for us". Thankfully he listened. But I just wish I didn't have to worry about this too. Can't I just worry about your health - mental and physical? Can't I just worry that you'll drink and not go to work someday and then ask me to call your boss and say your sick? Do I really have to worry that you're going to call drunk and quit? Not to worry, honey, I know none of this is your fault. ugh
So that's my topic for today - how do your AH's sabotage their lives?
I think anxiety on his part maybe totally override any logic in these sabatoging situations and since rehab he has said on numerous occassion he"really messed things up" No shi% sherlock!" I was told by a counselor that while they are drinking all usual logic and rational thinking becomes distorted to fit into their altered perception of life. So yes they are sabatoging....yes it is a mess to clean up usually for us b/c of the repercussions that affect us. Not convinced it is deliberate( at least not in ref. to my AH). But I am sure it is these situations which often times become the deciding factor in our staying or leaving the relationship. We can only take so much of our world being fu&@ up and having to pick up the pieces.
I hope your AH is doing well in rehab and recovery. I've heard the "really messed up" too...and if I could live through the memories, I'd love to make mine say out loud what he did that was messed up because sometimes I'm not even sure he knows when sober.
I'm glad to hear that its not deliberate in your instance...I don't think my AH is deliberate either but if he could only see it .....even when sober...it'd be such a breakthrough.
thanks for replying...its reassuring to hear that someone else has similar experiences...that I'm not alone and my AH isn't either...
Wait, what were we talking about? I seem to have gotten distracted.
I suppose it's part of the game. I drink, I push, I make excuses, I make it hard for everyone, I blame, I whine, I accuse, I project. I hurt myself all the time, and by doing so, cause a chain reaction that ends up with everyone doing a little dance to make it easier for me. And repeat.
In the end, we all end up doing the dance. Sabotage--I never thought it that way. Cause and effect, yes. Self-fulfilling prophecy, yes.
My boss hates me. I'll just blow him off. That'll teach him.
My wife doesn't love me. I'll call her bunch of names, maybe get a little threatening, and toss out a few random accusations. Bet she'll want to stay with me then.
The baby hates me. I'll just drift off to sleep and let her slip off my lap. Hey, I started off holding her. Touchy baby.
The cops in this town don't cut you any slack.
The guys are the liquor store make rude comments when I go in there drunk.
People judge me, so I'll point out every flaw they have--real or imagined.
I kind of look at it like this--if I could keep feeding my booze habit, if I never had to quit, and all I had to do was shove off the responsibility on someone else, I would probably just keep drinking, and just keep pulling those strings. And everybody just keeps dancing.
In a literary aside, that was the punishment for Cinderella's wicked stepmother in the non-Disney version. They put her in a pair of red-hot metal shoes and made her dance until she died.
Today, I think I'm wearing the red-hot shoes.