Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
hi there and thank you for listening. im having a hard time because i hear everyone’s feelings and stories but i really need advice, my husband of 15 years is an alcoholic, the "disease" has been at its peak for the past two years. i finally gave him the choice to get help or he can no longer be here with me and the kids. he is in an inpatient program right now. because of covid they don’t offer family counseling and im sorry if this offends but i just don’t know how al-anon is going to help me. they don’t give advice everyone just gives their spheel and moves on to the next person. i don’t know if i relate to anyone because everyone is so damn vague. I feel like everyone just talks in circles. How am I supposed to be when he’s home, I have such hate towards him. am i supposed to act like nothing is different, that the hurt and anger are just gone, well they are not. I am still dealing with the pain he has caused and most of it he doesn’t even remember. He says hes taking it all in-flipping great. But that doesn’t fix the scars. When he goes to touch me am I supposed to let him, before he left if he even put a hand on my shoulder I would pull away. Do I let him sleep in my bed, before he left he was on the couch. I read somewhere that your supposed to start new because he has “changed” and I’m supposed to get to know the new him. Well what if I don’t like the new him what if the new him doesn’t like the same me. This is all so scary.
Over the years 8 have really hated my AH for his attitude, lack of support around the home and the debt he has got us into. I did not fancy going to al anon. A few years back when I first stumbled across this group, someone suggested I read a book on co-dependency. The book that was suggested was this one https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0894864025/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_gIvIFbW1MAPWN
This book made me see things differently and really helped me. I now do not hold on to the feelings of hate, as much. I look on it the my hubby is sick and has a terminal illness. I live my life differently. If I want to go out but he does not, then I just go on my own. A couple of years ago hubby got one of my girls to book a break away to Morocco for us both, as his xmas present to me. Once I got over the cost of this extravagant gift, I started to look forward to the holiday. When we got there I looked at acoupke of trips out. Hubby was suffering with traveller tummy and could not go far from the toilet, however I had no sympathy ashe was still drinking from 11am until late every night. He was not eating though. So with the new confidence that the co-dependency book had given me, I went to dinner on my own and booked myself on the trips that I wanted to do.
I do not allow my AH illness stop me from enjoying my life. I now feel that he is my burden, my marriage vows said in sickness and in health. My daughters are all starting out on their own lives, they all have house with their partners, two got married last year and one had a baby this year. I cannot and will not burden them with feeling they have to take in their dad, if I got up and left him, which I know they would.
So I am carrying on with my life. I book things to do and ask hubby if it wants to take part, if he says no, then I just go ahead. I am not putting my own life on hold anymore.
Not sure if that helps you?
If your husband is currently in "recovery" stage honestly I would at the moment hold off with trying to add more stress into the dynamic if none of the stressor are present and its things you want to talk about that happened in the past. Getting an alcoholic to actively accepting recovery is so very critical and I would just focus on the recovery at the moment. Be as supportive as possible. When you feel the time is right you can slowly open up past trauma and talk then through.
Its normal to not feel like you don't want to just jump right in the relationship and pretend like nothing every happened. Its totally reasonable to tell your husband you want to fully support him through his recovery but you need your space and want to slowly reconnect. If that means him sleeping somewhere else until you're ready to sleep together or whatever then I think that should be respected. This recovery is for both of you however try be very sensitive because of the possible triggers to relapse.
Walking on eggshells with your husband in the beginning stages of recovery is what you'll have to do. Otherwise from personal experience he'll just relapse. Its a fight you'll have to make the decision if you want to do. Recovery is a LIFETIME battle. Any day can put you right at square one. If you decide to stay be in it fully..if you decide its not for you...don't drag it out and work on getting out. However your marriage go do what's best for YOU and your family. Good Luck!