Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
My alcoholic boyfriend's uncle is not doing well and is expected to die within the week. My boyfriend was not close to him but is pretty upset about it because his dad is upset, so a valid reason to be upset. Lately I've been trying to focus on me and tried to mostly avoid him, not engage in conversation when he's drunk.
Because when he's drunk he goes on endless dark rants that don't make sense, talking angrily and sadly about every upsetting thing he can think of and expects me to hang onto every word.
Tonight I just kind of sat and listened while he talked about his uncle, trying to be there and supportive, but where do I draw the line? Of course he'll be drinking all weekend, using this as an excuse. He already told me he was going to. Tonight when he started to go off on tangents about nothing and started to sound angry, I told him I had to go to bed. Was this cruel of me to leave home alone when he's upset? There's just so much drunken, dark rambling that one person can take.
Continue to be there for him. He's human like everyone else. He is going to experience some grief. It was good to exit when you did though. You also need enough energy to fight another day.
It will be a difficult time, so brace yourself. My regular friends were actually more helpful during that time because they knew that anyone would be having a hard time when it comes to death. Definitely reach out to your outlet as well.
My first thought is you could use this as a time to quietly say to him that maybe now might be a good time to halt drinking for a bit. If you put it to him as a temporary cessation, so he can deal with his pain, and his father's pain, sober, he may be more inclined to listen to you -- as it sounds more sympathetic to him.
I don't think you were wrong to leave the room, while he rambled darkly. If he ever mentions suicide, you need to call 911, whether or not he is suicidal. Just because the two of you are in a relationship, though, does not mean you need to take the abuse of his dark ramblings or anger. What you should know, though, is when they're drunk and like that, there's practically nothing you can say that will make them change in that moment. EVERYTHING you say will only make them "defend" their misery more. And for that reason, there's no point in you hanging around to participate in a dark conversation. I think it's totally fine to say, "I'm sorry this is so painful for you. Maybe we can talk in the morning when you're sober." Then get up and leave. Do you and he live together, or do you have your own place? If you do live together, now might be a good time to get a small place of your own. It would give you "head" space, and a place of refuge when he is like this.
Sending hugs. I hope your weekend improves.