Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
I am new to this group. I am confused as to whether or not I have a reason to be concerned. I have been married to my husband for 15 years, together nearly 20. He has always drank, and before we were married he dabbled in other substances, which he stopped, for the most part. He is a good guy, holds steady job without a problem, not abusive. He drinks 6-12 beers a day (after work), most nights he will have a shot or 2 as well, weekends he usually cracks his 1st beer between 10am and noon and drinks til bed. Many nights he " falls asleep" in the chair before 9pm. He drinks when he drives, not drunk, but will have 1 or 2 in the way home. He has done nothing specific, but I am finding myself feeling tired of this. He tries to be amorous when he is pretty buzzed, which is a turn off, but if we don't he gets cranky. I hate socializing because of his drinking. Recently he has started adding a bit of marijuana back in to the mix. Like I said he is a good father and husband, works, not abusive, and the situation has not changed or escalated. I just feel tired...
You said that you just feel tired. Can you identify why you feel tired? That may give you more insight into how your husband's drinking is negatively affecting you. I think you may be underestimating how bad it really is for you.
Maybe he isn't physically abusive, but he is emotionally abusive, and that can be just as damaging, and in some ways worse. With physical abuse, you can point to a bruise and say to yourself, "see, his drinking/abuse is really bad". But with emotional abuse, you begin to doubt yourself, and you doubt what your mind and body are telling you is the truth. You say exactly as you've said here, that maybe it's not that bad, and you begin to wonder if you should just tolerate more and more and more.
You are not wrong to NOT want intimacy when he's drunk. It IS a turn off. I can't think of anything I'd want less than a drunk pawing all over me. Just eww. And I think most women (and men) would agree on this. So don't doubt yourself on this. AND, when he "gets cranky" when you say "no", that's abusive, and manipulative. He's trying to change your mind and punish you with his "crankiness".
I also ask you to think about how much he is emotionally there for you, if he's drinking from 10 AM till he goes to bed. Is this really a partner? Are you able to share hopes, dreams, plans, fears, loss with this man? Or are you emotionally isolated in this marriage? And I would say that if he's adding marijuana, that he's even more unavailable, emotionally. If you google emotional abuse, one of the signs is that your partner is emotionally distant or unavailable. I'd say a drunk, who's also high is pretty unavailable. Emotional abuse can lead to depression, PTSD, and anxiety.
I ask all of this because I am in a very similar situation. My AH is not physically aggressive. But he's emotionally and sometimes verbally abusive. There is no connection between us. I'm alone. I'm isolated. I don't know if he'll come home drunk or not. I don't know if he'll come home. I want more in a marriage.
I think the fact that you are questioning if your complaint is valid or not, is a sign that indeed it is valid. If his drinking is a problem for you, then it's a problem.
Have you talked with him (when he's sober, tricky, I know, when they start the drinking so early in the day), about how you feel when he's been drinking? He can't deny you have feelings about it. He may deny that his drinking is "that bad", but he can't deny you are worried, fearful, upset and alone.
If you repeatedly talk with him about his drinking, and nothing changes, then you need to really think about if this is what you want for the next 15 years. You deserve so much more than this. I don't know if you are a person of faith, but God didn't intend for marriage to be like this. God's intention for marriage is for it to be uplifting for both partners, to help us live out God's plan for our lives, to build us up, not tear us down.
Saying a prayer for you, and sending big hugs. This is really tough stuff. Keep posting and reading.
I am not sure I know how to explain this tired feeling. He can be an absolute great guy 50% of the time, he never misses work, takes care of house stuff (most of the time) although sometimes quite begrudgingly. He doesn't go out drinking, never fails to come home. He takes care of our daughter when I work nights. This part is good, but I also find myself "checking in" because I am concerned he passed out alone with her, which has happened a few times. He drinks to the point of passing out in the chair most nights, often leaving me to care for daughter alone. He can be sweet one minute, then days like today he is short tempered and irritable but won't tell me what is wrong. I mentioned the intimacy issues, which are not all the time, but not infrequent either. I feel as though I have spent 20 years waiting for the call from the hospital or police (he has 2 dwi, but has not gotten in trouble in 10yrs). Honestly, and this is horrible of me, but I sometimes wish for that call just to get it over with. I turn down social engagements because I know he won't control himself, and am tense when we do go out.
I have spoken with him many times over the years about his drinking, fought quite a few times as well. Here's the kicker, he does not deny he has a drinking problem, he just doesn't see it as a problem because he functions in life, works, attends family functions etc.
I feel tired because I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Yes, you have a reason to complain. Your story closely mimics my own. For the first 15-20 years my husband was doing exactly what you describe. My own anxieties, fears and concerns about his drinking slowly led me to admit to myself that, YES, he is an alcoholic. Here is what I learned through experience and educating myself. That alcohol addiction is a progressive disease. Meaning that the amount and frequency will increase as dependency grows.
In my experience, when my husband was laid off about 15 years ago he seemed to have become a raging alcoholic overnight!!!! Even though he found another job almost immediately. By that time I finally realized the toll his drinking had on me for many years..... I put myself in therapy and wow, were my eyes opened. For us, things are just now, slowly improving. It is a lonely and difficult life to love an addict. I'm glad you found us here at DS. You have my support, even if it is just a rant to blow off steam. No judgements here.
Love to you , jms