Thanks for sharing, it is so nice to have others to relate to. I go through the same. He always has an excuse or some one or thing to blame for why. It drives me so mad that I try not even to talk to him about it. I read about not engaging AH on google search...it is helpful. I also want to create boundaries with consequences, figuring out what is too much, what crosses the line for what I will put up with...instead of only worrying about what will bother him. So hard to do though.

It's very draining, some days I wonder how I will make it through another day. Fortunately we're stronger than we give ourselves credit for. The past year I have just completely stopped talking to my AH unless he's sober just to avoid anymore arguments if possible. It's so lonely but repeating myself over and over its just useless. Last night I actually had the nerve to speak up and tell him why I didn't want to be touched by him. My biggest fear is hurting someone's feelings including his. I've never been able to just say NO! But it's time to learn.

Thanks for your responses. I feel less alone knowing that I'm not the only one going through this even though I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Yes there are always constant excuses with him: I'm just trying to relax, I'm watching sports, it's my day off, etc etc. I'm heading down the path of not engaging with him when he's drunk as well. The other day he started getting short with me and called me a bitch because I was visibly upset after coming home and seeing the empty beer cans already piling up. I just left him alone the rest of the night and locked the door to the bedroom. I didn't want him anywhere near me.
Thanks for the advice on setting boundaries. I am going to look into that immediately.

It is comforting to read your post and know there are other women out there putting up with the same crap, the same roller coaster ride. It's incredibly exhausting. I dream of normal marital issues.

I'm waiting for "rock bottom" because my AH's recent DUI apparently wasn't rock bottom as he openly (and very often secretly) drinks. He saves beer and wine for drinking around me and the hard stuff for secret drinking.

He thinks I can't figure out all his tricks to hide the drinking from me...but I always do.

Sometimes during a more sober period of time, I trick myself into thinking things will be ok, but we always end up in the same place eventually. It's so miserable.

I know I will be a single mom one day unless he decides to choose sobriety, but I am so scared of this prospect and yet slightly hopeful that I may one day have a more stable life for our children and myself.

A5539, I feel like I could've written exactly what you wrote. My AH does the same with the hiding of the hard liquor and drinking beer and wine around me. Us wives are not dumb. We know exactly what is going on. It's sad. I can tell by the language he uses in texts what I will be coming home to.
I also am on the path to being a single mom since he refuses to change. When I confronted him earlier this week he told me he's doing nothing wrong. He really doesnt seem to care how it makes me feel.
I will be thinking of you. I hope things get better for you soon.

WOW, As if beer isn't bad! My AH hides the Whiskey but drinks his beer like its Sweet tea.... It's all the same with these guys. I also know by the text I receive in the afternoon as to what I have to look forward to. I told him Monday that I was blocking him from texting me, so after a few text and I don't reply he will stop texting for the day. But of course this is a daily thing that he has to process because he can't remember day to day.

Welcome to the group siennanicole602 hugs to you!

Isn't it funny, we all know how to distinguish our sober husband from our drunk one simply by the words they type in a text message. I wrote that exact thing in a letter that I recently wrote to my husband. He doesn't seem to understand how obvious it all is to me. He lies up and down constantly to cover his ass and I just listen in disbelief.

I will be keeping all of you and every other wife of an AH in my thoughts. It's a tough road.

I can definately relate to everything that is being said here. It's hard to be intimate with someone who you don't like. My thoughts are with you all. Pain has many forms but better days will be ahead.

Hi siennanicole,
I'm so sorry for all that you are going through. You deserve a real partner, someone that you can rely on, someone that you lean against at the end of a long day. Not someone who's primary relationship is with a bottle. You deserve to feel first in his list of loves. He is not cherishing you. As long as alcoholics continue to drink any amount, they can't be that person for us.

My AH has been "moderating" (cutting back) or so he says, for months now. Moderating rarely lasts with alcoholics. The drinking creeps up in amount and frequency until they are right back to the heavy amounts from before, and then goes heavier, more often and earlier in the day than their worst ever from before. It only took my AH a couple of months to get right back to daily drinking, with his program of moderation, and has had wild binges twice as often as before.

If you read the alcoholism side of DS or any other recovery website you'll hear all of the tales of other alcoholics who tried moderation (cutting back) and how it failed, every single time. The genuine, in-recovery alcoholics all say the same thing, that getting truly sober means that drinking is never an option for them again.

Getting a DUI may shake him up, or not. Once they've passed some new threshold that they never thought would ever happen to them, the bar is set lower and lower. What I have heard is that when we get stronger, and begin making significant changes in our own lives, towards independence and greater emotional health, that does shake some of them up enough to at least try for sobriety.

I am so sorry. He sees no issues with his drinking because to do so would mean having to change, and he so desperately does not want to give up his one and only coping mechanism to get through life, that is drinking. This just really sucks.

Take good care of you. Do whatever you need to do to become strong and healthy. Sending hugs and a prayer.

Thank you so much for your kind words and insight invisibleme. Yesterday I made an appointment to go see a counselor. I wanted to go to marriage counseling with him but he refused to go so I'll go by myself. Just knowing I have the appointment is giving me a small glimmer of hope. I've also been removing myself from the situation when he's drunk and drinking. It is lonely but I worry less and don't have to walk on eggshells this way.
The last thing I need to do before I leave for good is to find a stable job so my 2 yr old and I don't have to rely on him for anything. I'm hoping to only have to live like this for a few more months.
Hugs to you as well.

Unfortunately it is so true that you can't make someone want help. I often feel as the girlfriend, I get yessed, and band aid solutions that never stick. I am lucky to have a partner who understands he has a problem, but the fact is, unless they actually admit to themselves, and choose on their own to be better for themselves, it's unlikely your voice will make him understand- as sad as that is, considering- YES, we all do know EVERY trick they have. We all know our men much deeper than they realize, love them, and stand by them. But the faster you understand how hard it is to break through to a person, no matter the connection and love you share, the less it'll wear on your own sanity and happiness. You can never be the only one trying in a relationship of any kind. That doesn't solve problems or make anyone any happier to know they're the only one who seems to care. Bless you for having the strength and clarity to know what you have to do, for yourself and your son as well. It's easy to stay even when we know it's wrong, it's brave to actually do the right thing. Best of luck!!!