Hello, this is my first time posting and I'm not sure where to start.  My husband and I were married in November of 2012.  His first incident of "secret drinking" was New Years Day 2013.  He was passed out on the couch by 10 am with an empty coke can next to him.  He had been drinking rum from the coke can to disguise what he was drinking.  I was shocked and disgusted (we had just had a New Years Eve party the night before; didn't he get his fill then?), but I wrote it off as a bone-headed move and tried to move on....Well, flash forward to now and the past 4 years have been speckled with secret drinking incidents similar to the one I described above.  Sometimes these incidents happen frequently (every few weeks) and other times there are months and months between incidents and I start to feel that there's hope for him and that our relationship is improving, only to be let down again when he has a "slip-up" (as he likes to call it). 

My husband is not violent or confrontational when he has been drinking, but I can always tell when he has had alcohol; his eyes look different, he speaks differently, his mannerisms are different, etc. All of these instances play out the same way - husband is confronted about drinking, he denies he's been drinking, I persist with my questioning, he finally caves and admits he's been drinking (while sometimes lieing about the amount he's drank or the circumstances surrounding his drinking), a huge fight ensues, I become frustrated fighting with a drunk person who can't keep their story straight, he cries, I eventually give up and retreat to our bedroom and lock the door and we don't speak much for the next few days.  I am so sick of the cycle.  I am mentally exhausted and I don't like the person I become when I'm dealing with him when he's been drinking.

If it was just me and him, I would leave.  However, we have a 20 month old son and I am currently 29 weeks pregnant with our second child.  I guess it is my fault for getting myself in to this mess because for the first several years of our marriage I think I made excuses in my head for him (he can't let go of that college party lifestyle, he doesn't do it all the time, etc.).  I think I also didn't know the true frequency of how often he was secretly drinking; I'm not naive enough to think that I've caught him every time he's done it.  I feel so trapped and I have no idea what to do.  Outside of these secret drinking incidents, my husband is an amazing spouse - he treats me well, he's hilarious, he goes above and beyond contributing to the chores of the household, he adores our son and would give the world to him, my family loves him...the list goes on and on.  The lack of trust that I have for him anymore is ruining our relationship.  I cannot deal with being lied to and I constantly think he's lieing to me, even if the topic of discussion has nothing to do with drinking.  I am not sure how a relationship can go on without trust.  I feel like a crazy person all the time, questioning his every move in my head.

The past 2 instances of his secret drinking are what make me think it may be time to separate because I feel that my child's safety is not a priority for him.  Back in the fall of last year (November 2016), I went out to run errands for a few hours, leaving my toddler son at home with my husband.  When I returned home, I could tell he had been drinking.  I breathalyzed him (a purchase I made thinking the threat of being checked at any time would deter him from drinking).  The breathlyzer confirmed he had been drinking.  I could not believe that he would choose to drink almost a liter of vodka while caring for our son.  What makes the situation worse is that he left the house with our son to go buy the vodka! 

The most recent incident involving my son was yesterday.  We went out to visit my aunt and uncle and their kids for the day.  The kids love playing with my husband when we're out there, so at some point during these trips, he's out in the garage jumping on the trampoline with them.  During this time, at some point he snuck off to the basement and chugged wine.  I had no idea he did this, and when it was time to drive home, he got in the driver's seat as usual, and off we went.  I had no suspicions whatsoever until we got on the busy highway to head back toward our house.  He was driving a lot slower than usual, but I didn't say anything at first, because for whatever reason I still didn't realize what was going on.  Then about 10 minutes into our trip I look over and his eyes are shut!  I smacked him and demanded for him to pull over, saying that I knew he was drunk.  He at first refused and denied that he drank anything, then eventually said he drank mouthwash while we were over there.  I didn't believe this for a second because I know there is an abundance of alcohol in that house - he would never need to go scrounging around for mouthwash to get drunk.  The fighting back and fourth continued the whole way home, where I promptly breathalyzed him upon our arrival home.  He blew a 0.16.  After pressing him more and more, he finally admitted that he drank wine, not mouthwash.  I cannot believe that he would choose to drive me, our son, and our unborn child while he was drunk.  He was more concerned with keeping his secret than he was with keeping our family safe.  I truly see what a selfish person he has become - his desire to drink is more important to him than anything else. 

He's been going to AA 2-3 times a week since his last incident in November 2016, but I do not feeel that it is helping.  He made no attempt to call his sponsor or stop and think about what he was doing before he chose to take that first chug of wine yesterday.  Instead of trying to figure out why he drank or what triggered him to want to drink, my husband always just says "It was a slip-up, I'm trying."  To me this is just an excuse for not wanting to get to the root of the issue.  I feel that until he goes to some sort of therapy where he tries to understand what is truly wrong with him, he will never improve.  I was feeling so hopeful up until yesterday because he had gone almost 4 months without drinking and our relationship was improving so much.  Now I feel depressed and anxious about the arrival of our next baby because I know what type of situation I am bringing him/her into and I know it's not fair to them.  My parents were divorced when I was young and I grew up living with an alcoholic mother who took care of us but was emotionally neglectful/unavailable, so I know first-hand the emotional consequences that the children of alcoholics face.  I do not want to set my kids up for that type of future.

I am not sure where to go from here or when I know that enough is enough.  I want so badly for him to want to fix himself, but I know I can't want it for him.  Each of these incidents deteriorates our relationship more and more and I feel that at some point I will have no love left for him.  I feel that I wouldn't be doing my job as a mother if I risk putting my children in danger to keep our family together.  I wouldn't be able to live with myself if something happened to one of my kids because of my husband's drinking.  I am mentally exhausted and I know something has to change, but I don't know what to do.