Wives of Alcoholics Community Group

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newmom1985 02/22/2016

Hi ladies,

I have been living this nightmare for 8 years... Three young kids with my AH. Each year that passes he gets crazier and meaner. I always held onto hope that he would change and sober up and be the person I still saw little glimpses of. But recently I found a website describing Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Abuse and I spent all night crying. It was describing my life and I could no longer blame "alcohol". It made me realize maybe at the root of it all this is a personality disorder of his... One he will never "change" from even if he eventually gets sober and one he could pass on to our kids. Ever since I read the article (4 months ago approx) I am more depressed than ever. Everything he says to me now... It's so clearly abusive, even when "sober" (aka that time from 8am-3pm that he doesn't have a drink but is hungover from the night before). I wish I could "unlearn" the facts of NPD and go back to naively thinking he would be different SOMEDAY. (I know several people who are recovering alcoholics that haven't had a drink in several years... So I guess I had (potentially false) hope for him.

My question for you all is this... Does this also describe your life? Which comes first the alcoholism or the narcissism? Has anyone else lost all hope and now only think about when it will eventually happen (finally divorcing... Or snapping)

Every single thing about our relationship paints the exact picture of Narcissism. He swept me off my feet, we moved too fast, he criticizes everything, name calls, sand bags, crazy makes, with holds affection, gives lengthy silent treatments, tries to make me look crazy in front of others, is the charming guy "everyone loves", sees everything he does as SO much more than it is, demands praise and respect and its never enough but gives not even the smallest bit of respect to me or others... Etc etc etc.

I know the writing is on the wall... I just wish I could blame it all on the alcohol again and live in denial and hope for a "someday".

I guess I'm just wondering if I'm alone in these feelings and confusions?

(Sorry for bad grammar or typos... Writing from a cell phone)

bonblue 02/23/2016

We all share your feelings you are not alone in this total insainity.
Many Hugs and prayers

deleted_user 03/10/2016

Your post describes what I have experienced. I am so disgusted I hate alcohol and what it does to people.

naezer 03/11/2016

My ex-AH is a narcissist as well. =( I was in denial about so many things with that relationship. I lost myself for a very long time. Hope was something I held onto for years. I blamed myself, I looked the other way, I pretended what was happening wasn't as bad as it really was. Now that I'm on the other side and haven't seen him since November, I've found that I honestly don't even miss him. The drama, the walking on eggshells, always being confused, all of it, it's so nice to be free of it.

Where you're at right now feels unbearable I'm sure. Although the new information is causing some distress, it sounds like you've received some clarity as well. Best of luck as you continue to learn and grow through this experience.

lauriegardner 03/11/2016

I'm just going to say it. My opinion but alcohol is a tool of Satan through which demons can have a big evil party at the expense of their host (the poor sot who ingests it)...and ruin every other person around that happens to care for the poor sot. I despise alcohol! .

lauriegardner 03/11/2016

I'm certain that the alcohol contributed significantly to narcissistic behavior in Mark. It is like an entirely different spirit is inside of a person, anyway, in mine, when this happened. But over time, long years of drinking the lines become ambiguous as the "other person" seems to take more and more of who they are. I got to where I could see/feel the dark oppressive entity come. We're all victims of this addiction! It really takes a hard line ....for me, the battle is against a formidable spirit...not our spouse/partner who is under its control.

kiki78 03/11/2016

I recently did some research on this and why someone becomes a narcissist in the first place. My AH had a father that never acknowledged anything good in his children and treated them like servants that would never be as good as him, his mother praises them all for the smallest thing and overly praises them. Two out of 3 children are alcoholics with low self esteem and self worth. My AH is now 50 and only turned to alcohol in the last few years to deal with his problems and fears of not ever being good enough, his brother on the other hand has been going to the bottle for the last 20 years. If the alcohol is used as a way to deal with the narcissist personality disorder that should be treated first. That is to say the person wants to change. I feel like I am lucky that this is only a new issue and my AH is in therapy with a class 3 substance abuse counselor as well as doing EMDR therapy for his drinking and the child abuse he endured.
There is a technique that can be used to calm cravings in tapping therapy, maybe there is a tapping that we can do to help us calm down and not be so angry if we notice alcohol use. I know I can't look at him if I smell it, all I want to do is scream at him and tell him I hate him and he is a disappointment to me and the rest of the family.

Changeforbetter101 03/15/2016

I resonate with Neazy - my stbx is also a narc. He was a great guy, but the last 6 years got bad. My sister-in-law told me the other day that I was using alcoholism to 'excuse' his behavior. She set me straight and just said it isn't the alcohol - he is just a horrible human being. I noticed things turning in our relationship when I stopped drinking. I don't think I was an alcoholic, but I felt it was time to grow up and cut down. Apparently he felt he lost his 'party girl' and that was when he decided to hate me.
I also agree with Laurie. I feel alcohol is evil and it IS SATANS way to destroy people and everyone around them. It is a horrible disease and feel empathy with anyone dealing with an alcoholic spouse/child/parent.

Changeforbetter101 03/15/2016

Oh and kiki - my stbx has a mother that I would bet a million dollars never told her kids she loved them. (I have never heard her tell my stbx and my kids have brought it up themselves how one grandma (my mother) tells them she loves them all the time, but the other grandma has NEVER told them that!). He grew up on a farm and was beat and feels since his father disciplined him with a belt - it is ok to do that with our own kids. In fact, my stbx beat my oldest child when he was 13 and he was facing felony charges. Mommy (M-I-L) came to the rescue and bought him a lawyer and it isn't even on his record. My stbx's youngest brother died at age 24 of heroin addiction. My other brother-in-law is also an alcoholic. And the oldest brother is an entitlistic asshole. He dwells in other peoples misfortunes. All 3 of the 'living' boys have been divorced - mommy should be so proud.

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