Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
I am a very private person that has been holding this in to the point where I am suffering from severe panic disorder and depression. I met my now husband when I was just 20 and he was 27. We were both dating other people at the time and began a friendship over the next few years, and eventually we were both single and began dating when I was 24 and he was 31. I always knew he liked to drink a lot.... But it got worse and worse as the years went on, we eventually married when I was 28, I knew what was happening and I dont understand why I didnt love myself enough then to not go through with this wedding. I felt trapped because I dont have family in my life that can help, my dad was an alcoholic that left when I was 8 and I havent seen him since I was 15 years old. My mother has never been the nurturing type and calls me to check in once every year or so (I used to call her and put in the effort but have given up).
Flash forward to today and I am a 32 year old with who feels like I am slowly dying inside and I don't know what to do. My husband is a highly functionong alcoholic, he makes it to work everyday and has no DUI's. This is mostly because he only drinks at home alone all the time. He drinks a few beers and several glasses of captain morgan and diet coke everyday. He goes thtough a handle of captain morgan about every four days or so. I have begged him to get help several times, and about three months ago he decided he would go to detox, but would not do the follow up treatment. He said he would stop drinking the liquer and just have a few beers everyday, which was a big argument but I would take what I could get. I knew he was driking more than just a few beers as he would slur his speech and never remeber anything we talked about, always passing out on the couch snoring, while I hid in out room alome. We currently live with his parents to save money because we live in a very expensive part of California and even though we both have great jobs the cost of living is insane. His parents say they are on my side, but I am not sure what that means because they continue to keep alcohol in the house and he is thier son, I am not thier daughter. Even if I gave him an ultimatum I am sure I would have to be the one who leaves and I have nowhere to go. I have an emotional support dog and most people don't want a dog staying with them and I can't leave him behind.
He finally told me he had been lying to me for months and that he had been drinking his captain morgan from his car since the day that he left detox, I suspected this already. He insisted that this was my out because we have no kids that I could leave if I wanted, but that he's not going to stop. This broke my heart... when he went to detox I had this small glimmer of hope to hold on to and then it was ripped from me. Its been a month since this conversation and I am still living with a person who can't remeber our conversations 90 %of the time. I dont have any money saved to get out and I don't have family that would take me in except his aunt who I am close with and cross country (this would mean leaving my great job). I think I want out, but I do love him and I dont even know how to talk to him about how I am feeling becasue he is never sober. I dont know what to do. Should I keep living this way and save money so I can be on my own.... I feel like I am drowning. I feel so alone in this and I carry it with me everyday... Thank you for lisitening if you made it this far.
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Hi. This is my first post. I'm here because my husband is an addict and it's having a negative impact on our marriage and my emotional and mental well being. He's an alcoholic who is also addicted to pornography and video gaming. He spends every moment that he isn't at work or sleeping drinking beer, playing his video games, and looking at porn. He's completely pushed me out of his life. We don't...
As you obviously know, alcohol abuse frequently tends to echo for 2 or 3 generations and is a common denominator for a lot of people with addiction problems and the partners who are attracted to them. We like what is familiar – even when we know, intellectually, it is a bunch of waving red flags. It is a vicious cycle, and one that can be very difficult to break.
The language you use to describe your history and your dilemma is full of regrets and panic (got worse and worse… I dont understand why I didnt love myself enough …slowly dying inside…. begged him to get help… hid in out room alome…I dont even know how to talk to him… I feel like I am drowning). You are in fight-or-flight mode and as a child of an alcoholic family that is both frightening and familiar.
Your living situation doesn’t make things any easier. While his parents may wish that he got his act together, they are not on your side. They are aiding and abetting his problems and looking the other way from the pain it brings to your marriage.
His token effort at detox was not serious. He either did that for you or his mom, and never bought into it. There is a huge difference between abstaining from alcohol and seeking/practicing sobriety. If anything, the detox just made things worse. He is drinking to get emotionally numb. Unless he was prepared to get real about his own inner problems, the process of drying out was barely scratching the surface. There very well could be something dark, that he is keeping bottled up, that he is running from. This isn’t just somebody who really likes being buzzed, this is someone who is practicing self-sabotage on a daily basis. The likelihood that he is going to reach his bottom anytime soon is quite low.
You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. If you have a great job, you are likable, skilled, and a good employee – those aren’t things that will get left behind. You are a private person because you came from a dysfunctional family….you are in great company there, too. We’re everywhere.
Trust your gut which will likely tell you that your dog is the life preserver you need to help you "get out of the water" and become a near-drowning survivor rather than a drowning victim.
may the force be with you
Then you get those 20 years plus marriages where we stay because of financial reasons. That is why I am still here in this hell of a marriage. By that point we are depressed, beaten, lonely, sick, and a shell of our former selves. Nearly every post on here from women married for a very long time have the same stories, like it is the same person posting over and over. That being said, there are no surprises if we pay attention:
THEY ARE NOT GOING TO CHANGE FOR YOU
DRINKING IS THEIR MISTRESS, YOU DON'T STAND A CHANCE
YOU WILL FALL OUT OF LOVE WITH HIM
YOUR SEX LIFE WILL BE NULL AND VOID
YOU WILL COME TO THE REALIZATION THAT YOU CAN TRY TO FIX YOURSELF, GO TO THERAPY AND MEETINGS, BUT IN THE END, IF HE IS STILL A DRUNKARD YOUR LIFE IS STILL GOING TO SUCK.
THE "I"M SORRY'S" AND REMORSE AFTER A BAD NIGHT OF DRINKING STOPS AND THEY NO LONGER GROVEL FOR OUR FORGIVENESS.
THEY WILL POINT OUT YOUR FAULTS WHEN YOU TRY TO TALK ABOUT ANYTHING YOU ARE FEELING ABOUT THEIR DRINKING
NO MORE HONEYMOON PHASES
THEY WILL LOSE THEIR UNDERWEAR AND NOT REMEMBER WHERE THEY WENT (I swear this just happened yesterday. He thinks it's no big deal, and I think it is scary as hell)
It's not you, never believe a drunk