Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
I've been reading everyones stories for about a week now. I can't believe how all of your storeis have helped me. I always felt so alone, ashamed, trapped and helpless. I thought if I tried hard enough he would change. But thats what he always told me. He said he would never make it without me. He needed me. I was the best thing in his life and so on and so on. He said he wanted to change!
We've been married for 23 years. I was a single mom with a 6 year old daughter when we met. He was so great in the beginning. He helped me with my daughter and was a true friend. He was not from the USA. He was working in the states for a German company and the company wanted him back in Germany. So after being together for 2 years, we got married and we all moved to Germany. Although we both agreed I would try it for a couple of years and if I wanted to go back to the states, we would. A year later I got pregnant with our son and really wanted to go back to the states. I told him this and he said NO WAY! (This is when I should have realized his narcisstic personality). I couldn't believe it. He wouldn't even discuss it. He said I could go but without our son. Soon after this, we built a beautiful home and I started to accept that unless I wanted to be divorced again and possibly lose my son, I needed to try and be happy and build a life in Germany. During the consctruction of our home is when he started drinking. This was 21 years ago!!
He is a" Highly Functional Alcoholic". He's very good looking and a very successful businessman. But my life with him has been a rollar coaster ride! Even when hes not drinking, he is very difficult! extremely self absorbed, cold and distant.. The more successful he got the more his negative traits came out. But I made an ok life for me. I teach english and exercise classes. I have good friends and of course my 2 Kids and 2 grandchildren. We looked like the perfect family. I kept his drinking a secret by lying and protecting him. Of course the kids know and there were some awful awful scenes when they were younger. He was not a good father but he traveled alot and then we all could breathe and have some fun.
When my son was 4 years old, my daughter 14, and I 36, I was diagnosed with bladder cancer. I had 6 surgeries within 7 years. After that, I had a 10 year break of no cancer. But in July of 2012, it returned. I had my 7th op and on Wednesday I will have my 8th. It's back again! I just turned 52! I kept telling him that the stress of his drinking was going to kill me and now I'm sick again!! Almost every weekend of his sneaking and lying was destroying me! I finally got tough and insisted that he get the right help or I was leaving him. He tried a few things in the past, but nothing really serious! I threatened to leave him a million times throughout our marriage but he didn't believe me nor did I believe myself. But because the cancer came back, I was ready to make some changes and he knew it. I couldn't live like this anymore.
He started an addiction therapy in Feb. 2013. I was sooooo happy and encouraged. In the beginning he was fine. He even stopped drinking.YEAH!!! But then after a couple of months the changes in him were not at all what I had hoped and wished for. He became even more selfl absorbed. He said he needed space to concentrate on himself so that he wouldn't fall back into the trap of drinking again.. He made no effort to get long with me. He showed very little interest in me or the Kids. He started working out alot, wanted to get a tatoo!! I had/have the feeling that he has someone else but he denied/denies it .He was really treating me like crap. Not to mention he started drinking again!! I told him that I needed more effrot to get along, especially because of my health issues but he was cold, short and rude. He said we should try to live like roomamtes for a while to see how he felt about me and if he wanted our marriage or not. I suggested marriage counseling but he said no. What the hell was going on here!!! I stayed with him all these years and now hes finally getting help and he doesn't want me anymore!! Is this a bad dream!! All the tears, fears and bad years and hes disregarding me at a time when I'm sick!! I can't believe it!!! I knew the emotional stress of staying in the house with him was not good for me, so I left him on October 15th and moved in with a friend. I applied for a legal seperation and we hardly have any contact. He tells everyone how great he is doing and that he never wants to get back with me again. The only thing that seems th matter to him is the money and his freedom!! I know ist the best for me to move on. But with surgery in 2 days and living out of a suitcase at the moment and the rejection, MY HEART IS BROKEN! Is this the result of all my years of trying and staying??
We've been married for 23 years. I was a single mom with a 6 year old daughter when we met. He was so great in the beginning. He helped me with my daughter and was a true friend. He was not from the USA. He was working in the states for a German company and the company wanted him back in Germany. So after being together for 2 years, we got married and we all moved to Germany. Although we both agreed I would try it for a couple of years and if I wanted to go back to the states, we would. A year later I got pregnant with our son and really wanted to go back to the states. I told him this and he said NO WAY! (This is when I should have realized his narcisstic personality). I couldn't believe it. He wouldn't even discuss it. He said I could go but without our son. Soon after this, we built a beautiful home and I started to accept that unless I wanted to be divorced again and possibly lose my son, I needed to try and be happy and build a life in Germany. During the consctruction of our home is when he started drinking. This was 21 years ago!!
He is a" Highly Functional Alcoholic". He's very good looking and a very successful businessman. But my life with him has been a rollar coaster ride! Even when hes not drinking, he is very difficult! extremely self absorbed, cold and distant.. The more successful he got the more his negative traits came out. But I made an ok life for me. I teach english and exercise classes. I have good friends and of course my 2 Kids and 2 grandchildren. We looked like the perfect family. I kept his drinking a secret by lying and protecting him. Of course the kids know and there were some awful awful scenes when they were younger. He was not a good father but he traveled alot and then we all could breathe and have some fun.
When my son was 4 years old, my daughter 14, and I 36, I was diagnosed with bladder cancer. I had 6 surgeries within 7 years. After that, I had a 10 year break of no cancer. But in July of 2012, it returned. I had my 7th op and on Wednesday I will have my 8th. It's back again! I just turned 52! I kept telling him that the stress of his drinking was going to kill me and now I'm sick again!! Almost every weekend of his sneaking and lying was destroying me! I finally got tough and insisted that he get the right help or I was leaving him. He tried a few things in the past, but nothing really serious! I threatened to leave him a million times throughout our marriage but he didn't believe me nor did I believe myself. But because the cancer came back, I was ready to make some changes and he knew it. I couldn't live like this anymore.
He started an addiction therapy in Feb. 2013. I was sooooo happy and encouraged. In the beginning he was fine. He even stopped drinking.YEAH!!! But then after a couple of months the changes in him were not at all what I had hoped and wished for. He became even more selfl absorbed. He said he needed space to concentrate on himself so that he wouldn't fall back into the trap of drinking again.. He made no effort to get long with me. He showed very little interest in me or the Kids. He started working out alot, wanted to get a tatoo!! I had/have the feeling that he has someone else but he denied/denies it .He was really treating me like crap. Not to mention he started drinking again!! I told him that I needed more effrot to get along, especially because of my health issues but he was cold, short and rude. He said we should try to live like roomamtes for a while to see how he felt about me and if he wanted our marriage or not. I suggested marriage counseling but he said no. What the hell was going on here!!! I stayed with him all these years and now hes finally getting help and he doesn't want me anymore!! Is this a bad dream!! All the tears, fears and bad years and hes disregarding me at a time when I'm sick!! I can't believe it!!! I knew the emotional stress of staying in the house with him was not good for me, so I left him on October 15th and moved in with a friend. I applied for a legal seperation and we hardly have any contact. He tells everyone how great he is doing and that he never wants to get back with me again. The only thing that seems th matter to him is the money and his freedom!! I know ist the best for me to move on. But with surgery in 2 days and living out of a suitcase at the moment and the rejection, MY HEART IS BROKEN! Is this the result of all my years of trying and staying??
Believe me. Living out of a suitcase is better than living with what you were living with and going through what he put you through. It would continue if you got back together. Find a new life, a little at a time. Take one day at a time. Concentrate on getting well first and foremost. Don't have any interaction with him while you're recovering. It will just set you back, even if only a day of setback, but the bad emotions cause physical issues as well.
Broken hearts do heal. I know. Mine has been broken more than once by men I thought I loved and by my present AH. Seems he's good at breaking my heart - a little piece here, a little piece there. I think for most of us, the heartbreak comes from seeing what a good thing the AH has, but is willing to throw everything away for the sake of drinking.
Good luck with your surgery, and I hope the cancer goes into remission, and you're on your way to a happier and healthier life.
By the way, I do have a therapist. She is great and really helped me to have the courage to leave and to stay away. I won't be writing for a few days. I go in to the hospital in the morning.
Yes this is what it is like. Literally rips your heart out. I was 24 years married when My ex just disappeared. He had left me for a fellow alcoholic. My self esteem was shot. Begged him to reconsider. He wouldn't for 2 years during which time we divorced and he lived with his girlfriend. And when we reconciled it was about him Him him. How he needed to love himself and get his act together. He never quit drinking. We did reconcile and 6 months later I caught him with same girl. That was in February of this year.
Plan on needing therapy for long time. Someone to keep you straight. I did have to walk away completely because it was tearing me apart. I still struggle with it a lot. Especially lately and not sure if due to holidays.
I strongly urge no contact with him and probably some of your mutual friends. Whoever is giving you information that he doesn't want to reconcile needs to stop. Set boundaries. Tell all mutual friends you want no updates. This is for your sake and sanity. I never would have even thought I would be an emotional wreck if he left for someone else because I had been so miserable. But I was. Felt if I cannot hold an alcoholic who can I hold. Believe they start really resenting us codependents because they cannot handle the truth about themselves so they attack us.
I am 9 months post 2nd split and still fight urges to contact him. We have a very unhealthy relationship yet I miss that and that is messed up. Make sure to stay in therapy, build friendships separate from him and vent vent vent.
I find when I am really missing him if I come back and read the stories of the wives still with their alcoholics it helps me to stay focused on staying out of contact and healing.
Have you thought about moving back to the states when you recover? I finally sold marital home and moved closer to my job. It has helped me and helps force me not to look back.
Wow! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! You Sound just like me. I could imagine the same thing happening to me. I still secretly wish he is going to show up at the hospital and beg me to come back! I know in my head that going back to him would be the biggest mistake I could ever make but I feel still so vunerable, He wrote me a text message yesterday wishing me luck for my surgery. And of course I got hope that he really does care for me. After reading your story, I know that I have to stay focused on myself and not have any contact with him. I didn't respond to his message and I won't thanks to you!
I did think about moving back to the states but my kids and my 2 little grandchildren are here. I've been gone for so long now and I do have some dear friends here. Plus there is the job and health insurance issues. I think I'm better off here.