Wives of Alcoholics Community Group

A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.

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Gflookingforsupport 03/06/2018

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years now. We recently moved in together and it's been great. He's such a good person (maybe a little immature but he's in his early twenties so..) and when he's not drinking he's a great partner! Unfortunately our relationship has been littered with situations where he has become aggressive and abusive when drunk. It's like Jekyl and Hyde and he's so inconsistent. Sometimes he's fine and can stop whenever he wants, sometimes he can't stop and drinks so much he blacks out. On one occasion I went to pick him up from his family's house after a party and he had been drinking. When I got there he was slurring and argumentative but nothing too bad. I started driving back to my house and he just started yelling at me about how I'm a whore and he hates me. He started grabbing me and pushing me WHILE I'M DRIVING. I yelled back and he tried to open the car door and get out as I'm going 60mph on the expressway. It was a 30 minute drive home and the entire time he was aggressive, yelling, grabbing me, trying to pull my hair. It was so dangerous and terrifying. Once we got back to my house he started getting in my face and pushing me. He called me a bitch and all sorts of names. Saying he hates me. Then he'd calm down and want to be sexual with me. When I refused he got more aggressive, grabbing me and pushing me. Eventually he passed out. This was over a year ago but this situation has repeated with some variability throughout this relationship. I brought these things up to him when hes sober and he's always apologetic and embarrassed but nothing changes. When we first moved in together we had a glass of wine and were relaxing (I had asked him not to drink too much) and I caught him sneaking whiskey in the kitchen. The kicker is that he flat out denies having a problem with alcohol but he clearly does. We've talked for hours about what this does to me and he promises me it won't happen again but it always does. I love him so much but this is very hard. I told him I was looking into support groups for myself and he got angry and said I was being dramatic and he's not an alcoholic. Anyways...I just needed to vent about that and what I've been dealing with because it can get very lonely.

Catsden 03/06/2018

Get out early, tell him to get help and walk away before you are more invested. He is showing classic signs of alcoholism and abuse. It only escalates from here.

hopingforbettertimes33 03/06/2018

Gflookingforsupport,
Your situation is concerning to me because it sounds like you are in physical danger when he drinks excessively. Pushing you, pulling your hair, trying to get out of a moving car, etc... I am very worried this will escalate and you won't be able to get away. I have my own place, so I can leave if he gets drunk. You are living with him.

This sounds like a bad situation to me. You are not safe. Agree with Catsden, although I know easier said than done. I know that firsthand. Please be careful and protect yourself.

My thoughts are with you. All my best.

Gflookingforsupport 03/06/2018

I'm not disagreeing with anyone. I do feel unsafe when he's in that state. But since we moved in together the really awful stuff has not happened. We just had people over on Saturday and he had a couple beers and was able to stop drinking and was completely fine. I am pretty invested in this relationship already which makes leaving incredibly hard. We live together and I also love him very much. He's an amazing person on a day to day basis. He's supportive, empathetic and caring. On a normal day he is not abusive in any way. I think people in our lives would be shocked if they found out about the way he acts when black out drunk. I was shocked the first time. I truly believe he has deeper issues that he ignores and getting drunk is his escape. I've been trying to start setting boundaries to protect myself and stepped back from trying to solve all his problems. I've put the responsibility of getting help completely on him. We're both young and still trying to figure life out in general so I don't feel like just walking away would be good for either of us.

hopingforbettertimes33 03/07/2018

You need to do what is best for you. Absolutely. I understand your feelings. I love my boyfriend and he can be very caring when he is not drinking too. So much so that I sometimes forget he has a drinking problem. My friends would also be floored this was going on behind the scenes. Unfortunately, the drinking and verbally abusive behavior always returns and with vengeance. I only wish you much happiness. Be safe. Hugs.

Gflookingforsupport 03/07/2018

Is there any hope that things can get better? I've grown up around alcoholics my entire life. Some have gotten sober and some haven't. I do feel a lot of fear about staying because I don't want to look back 10 years from now and it's exactly the same and I've been in an abusive relationship in the past. I don't want to repeat my mistakes. I never thought this would happen again and I feel a lot of pain and anxiety and fear. I feel absoultely sick over how many people on here going through this. You guys are so strong. Thank you for your responses.

Catsden 03/07/2018

Gflookingforsupport, we can never expect a person to change, but we can change how we react to it. If there is a local Al Anon group, perhaps you should go, if nothing more than to have a place to talk when things do go wrong.

I wished my husband would stop drinking, but after having serious problems the last 10 plus years nothing has changed.

DSTRICK 03/07/2018

I've been in this for 30 yrs and I can tell you that it hasn't gotten any better... only worst. But reading different stories on here, every situation is different in many ways. I stayed and raised my kids partly because I was scared to death of doing it on my own and partly because I loved my husband and I loved the moments when he was sober! The past years he has gotten so bad that I see him more drunk than sober and we have no relationship. I wish I had of done something or at least held my ground years ago when I would get to that point of breaking. In our 30 yrs i've taken the drinking and verbal abuse and walked on the egg shells to keep from having confrontation, I've lied and made up excuses and lost many of friends along the way. After a few years of riding this roller coaster I break, usually it only last days or weeks and I give in and start the ride all over again.... going on 2 yrs now when I hit 50 I decided something had to change its a battle everyday to not loose myself. I haven't left yet because financially I can't right now. But i'm working on myself this time, if he wants to kill himself drinking he will do it without my support. No more loosing myself to save him! My advise to you would be if you stay don't let alcohol control you as it does the alcoholic, set yourself up to be prepared to leave if needed. Don't be dependent on him financially and don't take anything off him. When he's drunk be careful and don't engage in his arguments because it will get worst if he doesn't get help. Keep in mind how fast life is you will wake up and 30 years have past and you may be still in this endless situation! Hugs and Prayers....

Gflookingforsupport 03/07/2018

Thank you so much! I can't even imagine 10 years let alone 30. You guys are so strong and I appreciate your advice. You're absolutely right that I need to be less dependent on him than I am, Financially and emotionally. I have to be able to leave and be on my own because if nothing changes I don't think I can stay. His alcohol problem is his issue and not mine. I will definitely look into an Al anon group because I need to guidance and support from people like you guys. I'm sending all the love and positivity I can to you both!

hopingforbettertimes33 03/07/2018

Gflookingforsupport,
All great advice from others in this feed. They have more experience with this than I do. They have been a great support to me as I am fairly new on here as well. I was also sad to see how many women are dealing with this issue. Getting support is key. Like I said, only two years of this for me and I am mentally exhausted. These women are indeed very strong to have endured this for so many years.

Definitely make sure you are financially independent on some level to plan for your future in case you need to leave at some point. You just never know how bad it can get until it looks you in the face. Just be cautious and safe.

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