I'm not new to being the wife of an alcoholic but I'm new to actually seeking help,  as I am just completely defeated and feel like I'm at the edge of a cliff. My husband is 41, we have been married for almost 13 years, and have one 9 year old son. My husband has been a drinker as long as we've been together.  I rarely drink and was not raised around alcohol,  so it embarrassingly took me a LONG time to realize that his drinking was not normal.  He is, and always has been, a "functional " alcoholic.  Never seems to have a hangover,  has always held a demanding full time job, has been fiscally responsible and has never had any issues with the law.

I began to think there was a problem about 5 years ago. He would come home as always and drink almost an entire box of Franzia wine in an evening.  Sometimes a box would last two nights. However,  they were not "standard" drinks. He would fill a big plastic tumbler and literally chug it. He admitted that he didn't like the taste but it got him, as he called "buzzed" quickly.  He is about 190 lbs, and after 2 tumblers he would be noticeably drunk.  Stumbling, slurring, unable to make eye contact, and he would as he said "lose his filter " and say horrible things to me. This was always at night, usually 10-11pm, and he would pick fights, and call me names, and follow me from room to room, because I chose to avoid a confrontation. He always defended his behavior with the caveat that he wasn't being mean, but rather he was being honest.

Then, he was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and high blood pressure. He continued to drink even on multiple medications that warned against it. I did not confront him because I felt responsible.  He told me he drank because I stressed him out by not making enough money,  and by being super (super) messy and a shitty housekeeper. Both of those are true, so I accepted the blame silently.  I thought he did have a lot of stress and needed an outlet. Then about 4 years ago he blacked out. I heard a thud, and found him out cold on the dining room floor.  He argued that he had just fallen asleep standing up.(??) I had never experienced that, and with his health issues,  was worried,  so I got him into bed but sat next to him and watched him the whole night. Instead of falling asleep,  he made fun of me and actively mocked me. Just asshole behavior.  Because I was concerned about him.

Then, he hit what I thought was his rock bottom.  He drank so much in a short amount of time - and was disoriented from being drunk and having a high blood sugar,  that while I was caring for our son, he went to soak his foot per drs orders (previous infection due to diabetic neuropathy)... and boiled the damn water first.  Then soaked his foot submerged in the water for about 10-15 mins.

Long story short - he was airlifted to a burn unit across the state, spent over a month in the ICU, almost died from losing so much fluid out of the foot, after 3 surgeries they determined it was a FIFTH DEGREE burn. He burned all the way through to the bone. The surgeon first told me to expect death, then to expect leg amputation,  then to expect foot amputation,  but after all the surgeries, she managed to completely rebuild his foot with all parts intact. Still, it took 1 year for the wounds to close (I wrapped his toes with exposed ligaments every night), and now almost 4 yrs later,  it functions but still looks like raw hamburger and is numb, leading to constant infections.

While he was in the hospital,  I got rid of all the alcohol,  and we agreed he was done. He said he thought about it while in the hospital. I was naive to think he could go cold turkey, but was hopeful since he had just spent a month drying out in the hospital. Then, I discovered about 6 months later that he was drinking vodka.  I found a bottle hidden. I didn't mention it to him but monitored it, and realized he was now drinking a fifth every 2 days. I cried every night, because that's when he drank,  and I was scared he would die, as he started having breathing problems at night. I slept maybe 2-3 hrs a night, because I was scared to not monitor him.

I finally told him I knew about the drinking, and I stupidly fell for his defense that he works hard and deserves to drink. I thought I was being supportive by coming up with "agreements " on what he could drink and how much a night. In the past 4 years, he has broken every single one, and then immediately proposed a new one to me.

2 yrs ago I reached my limit when he was so drunk one night, he couldn't stand.  At all. He fell 10+ times, broke our closet door and heater. Started screaming at me that it was all my fault. Called me worthless and that I added nothing to our family or the world. Said he didn't love me and he didn't even like me. Then he vomited in his sleep, while on his back, without waking up. Scared for his safety,  I called 911.

Embarrassingly, I knew the paramedic. They determined he was not yet at the alcohol poisoning stage but was close, especially with all the meds he takes.  They cleaned him up for me, and then reaffirmed to me that he was indeed an alcoholic who needed help beyond me. The next day I told him to get into treatment or I was leaving with our son.

He went to a local clinic and went through the yearlong program that included nightly group sessions,  and weekly one on one sessions.  Unbeknownst to me, he told the counselor that he never intended to give up drinking completely but wanted to control it. I went for one joint session where my husband openly argued with his counselor and despite several professional opinions to the contrary,  denied he was an alcoholic.  In his mind, he can't be an alcoholic if he can get up and go to work every day.

Apparently he was drinking through out the program. So, last year he had a few nights where he again was verbally abusive to me, with no apparent memory of it the next day. I had to experience the humiliation of not only being berated by my husband but then to have to relive it and tell him what he said the next day. When he's sober he tells me that doesn't mean any of it and that he does truly love me and wants to stay together.

I honestly believe he doesn't believe me when I tell him the horrible things he says, and I've thought about taking a video,  but I'm scared how he will react while drunk, and I know his excuses,  and when I showed it to him sober,  instead of feeling the gravity of the situation,  he would accuse me of trying to make him feel bad.

I did confront him and told him that he doesn't have to hit me to be an abusive husband.  He always said "I've never hit you " when I complained about his treatment of me. Then I again stupidly agreed to a plan where there was NO vodka.  I explained that vodka made him into a monster who not only scares me, but who I hate. He agreed to no more than 4 malt beverages a night. I thought it was too many but didn't know what to do, and then a month ago I realized he was drinking them out of a glass. After he passed out one night,  I drank some, and he had mixed it with vodka. 

I found his stash downstairs,  and told him I knew he was drinking vodka again.  He said yes he was. Asked me if I was mad, and I gave the honest answer that I was defeated and no longer felt anything. I no longer believed what he said, so I couldn't be disappointed because I had no hope to begin with. He walked away, and never mentioned it again.

Why is 4 malt beverages a night not enough? And they are the big cans from the gas station.  And what does it say about his true feelings for me that he's again drinking the one thing that he knows makes him just angry and emotionally and verbally abusive to me? Why would he want to risk turning into that monster??

He is currently passed out on the couch after I saw him mix 1 cup of vodka with half a Gatorade and drink it within a half hour.  (I believe he's also had at least 1 big hard cider,  probably mixed with vodka)

He refuses inpatient rehab,  refuses AA, refuses counseling (even marriage and not alcohol related). He says he can control it. Obviously not. I don't understand how he can lie to me and expect me to believe it - we are both smart people.  Outside of his drinking,  he's the most honest person I know. But he can admit that he broke our agreement and say he can control his drinking in the same breath. I feel like he's gaslighting me- trying to make me out to be the crazy one.

I no longer accept responsibility for his drinking.  It's not my fault . I know my "agreements " have been enabling and not supportive. I love him and do not want to leave him. Also, I'm now a stay at home mom because our son has ADHD/ODD and requires more of my time. I have no money of my own. I don't know if he uses that knowledge to assume that I'll never really leave him. I do not give ultimatums of divorce lightly,  so if I say it, I have to follow through. 

I guess, I just need guidance on if he really can control his drinking (not sure why he hasn't yet if its possible), or how to get him to at least attempt counseling, or if I just need to leave. Is it possible for us to have an agreement that he sticks to? I hate it because he calls it a compromise,  but I am 100% losing in the deal. I get NOTHING, but he sees it like he's giving into my wishes. 

I know I'm the only one who can decide this,  but I literally have told no one about this. No one to talk to, no support, nothing. Just me spinning my wheels, making bad decisions with good intent, and getting lied to EVERY time. I want to throw up every time I hear him open a can. It's a visceral reaction.  I am sick about it and just heartbroken that he actively chooses alcohol over me, every single night. It's taken its toll on me 365 nights for 4 years.

I want to save his pride, and I know if I tell anyone (like stage an intervention) he will FLIP OUT HARDCORE. His dad, brothers,  or any of my family don't know.

So far, our son doesn't know since he goes to bed early and I've intervened if I saw my husband showing major outwardly signs, like too stumbly or talking funny.  I know he's heard the yelling and fighting though, which makes me feel like the worst mom ever. And its going to be not long before he's old enough to notice the signs, and I can't imagine raising my son in a home where he sees his father drunk.

My husband is a great man, and I actually feel sorry for how pathetic he looks stumbling, walking into walls, falling, and three times last night he shit himself during the night. But he honestly thinks he is hiding the signs- ita obvious to me when he over corrects, like takes awkwardly large steps or talks too loudly.

Any help is desperately needed. Please!! I want to save my marriage but I don't want that to mean I'm destined to live the rest of my life like this. And brutal honesty is welcome.  

Many thanks!