Wives of Alcoholics Community Group

A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.

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Ceecee1 10/20/2017

Every day I cry and feel sorry for myself, but lately it's turning to anger, and maybe even, dare I say, determination? I feel like my brain is finally telling my heart to quit being so stupid! Why, after over 15 years of being lied to, am I still putting up with it all? I guess I feel sorry for him. But being a second class citizen to a case of beer (a.k.a. his best friend) is just getting really old. I deserve better. My AH is a closet alcoholic. Literally drinks in his closet. He's an AA flunkie. Or he drinks his car where he keeps it (even when it's 90 degrees out - gross)....which he keeps the keys to with him 24/7 (I've still taken them from him when he's passed out). He knows he shouldn't drink (because he's an alcoholic) so he "pretends" to be sober. I mean, its just so laughable. When I ask him direct questions he lies. "No, I haven't had anything to drink in a long time." That's my favorite one. A long time to him is 24 hours apparently. So lately, I've been very cold to him. Apparently, he's ok with it as long as he can stay here and drink. He holds down a good job, but so do I, he tries to be extra nice when he's sober. Even tries to be nice when he's drunk bc he knows my number one complaint is that he's a mean drunk. But his drunk nice is so freaking annoying I want to smack him in the face. I know its all fake is why i guess.

Why, when our significant other is sick with a physical illness, it's ok to reach out and receive help, but when it's mental we are left to suffer in lonely, humiliating, silence?

I'M SICK OF IT ALL! I want to look forward to things and he's ruining my life!!!

I guess I also have a question. Our oldest daughter just turned 18. She's very mature for her age. She has confided in me that she knows he's still drinking bc she can tell. Like I said, he's a mean drunk so she's been yelled at over nothing. I haven't said much bc I don't want to burden her. This is certainly not her fault. But I feel like she is the ONLY person who I could talk to about this who would truly understand. I honestly want to know if she thinks she would be happier if I asked him to leave bc a lot of why we're still together is bc of our kids - my parents divorced and I don't want to do that to my kids. We have a 15 year old daughter, too, and I'm afraid she might be more hurt by him leaving. I say leaving bc I'll be damned if I'm moving out! Should I talk to my 18 year old and get her opinion or is that too much to burden her with? She is leaving to go away to college in less than a year. Has anyone on here involved their adult kids? Is it a good idea or is it not right to burden them?

I feel like this post is all over the place, but then again so is my mind, so I guess it's fitting.

DSTRICK 10/20/2017

ceecee, I can tell u my kids are grown and they tell me now that as much as I tried to pretend he wasn't drinking or second guessing myself when he said he wasn't drinking. I wanted to believe it when he said he wasn't. My kids could tell that he really was. My son is single now and I think he may be going down the same road as my AH and it scares the hell out of me, my daughter she will drink but its not a problem she can say i've had enough but she has his depressive moods. I know now how his drinking effected them. The embarrassing drunkenness when he would go to their school activities or they had friends over, Wish I would have asked my kids and listened to how they felt. Now we have adopted our 13 n 14 yr old granddaughters and i'm right back in the same position except he's older now and drinks more so he's not able to pull the I'm not drinking bit with me! I do talk to the girls on how they feel, I may talk alittle to much at times because they have been around more than normal 13 n 14 yrs olds have with their own parents. But with that being said, I still have that what if feeling, what if I can't make it or what if I make a mistake by leaving. My mind and heart is also starting to feel the same and I feel like it's a matter of time. I do want more for myself and for these girls. He's a good man when sober but that's less often sober. My AH has a time lapse also, always longer than it really is.
I just don't know how to go about getting him to leave. When I get so mad that i'm able to say it, he tells me that he will not leave since he pays majority of the bills and it would be hard for me to leave I have the girls and their pets. I do think you should talk to your kids and just see what they have to say. When I read ur comment I felt like it was me talking. Its crazy how all of us have so many similar stories. Hope you have a good weekend!

Newlife4me 10/20/2017

I’m sure your kids know what is going on, and personally I felt like I wasn’t going to hide anything from my kids (they were 15 & 18) when I went through something similar. We talked a lot about things that they saw and I tried to teach a lesson from it. I can only hope that they have seen how addiction can ruin a life and they take a different path. But I did ask them how they felt about us living apart because of his drinking, and that is what my daughter wanted more than anything! She was so unhappy living in the same house with him and witnessing him being drunk all the time. They were embarrassing moments in front of their friends, and he was basically invisible anyway because he had pretty much checked out of all of our lives.

You have the power to change your life for the better, and as a result your children’s lives will get better as well. They can still see their father, but you no longer have to live with the stress and the lying. It’s big step, but SO worth it!

jaxbfalling 10/21/2017

We rather accept a lie because the truth hurts.

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