Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
So 3 weeks ago, things came to a head between me and my husband. Ultimately, he quit drinking with medication and has not slipped. However we have reached this uncomfortable situation. He us sober, I should be happy. But he is not getting help, he is taking meds the doctor gave him. I am concerned that if this is all he does he will fail and we will be right back to where we were. Additionally I have a lot of fear and anger about his behavior for the past 20 years and the hurtful things he said to me during the blow up. During the past 3 weeks we have occasionally been ok, but not good mostly we have been dancing around each other. Last Friday I told him I arranged a counseling appointment for myself and was working on one for both of us (which he previously agreed to). He lost it, got pissed, said he thought we were fine, he was doing all he can, I need to just get over it, if I can't we should just end it now. He said I wasnot being supportive, and he did not understand what my problem is. But it is MY problem. He said he wiuld go to counseling with me, because it is our last optiob and onbbiouslt I need it. After a weekend of not talking and me feeling like shit, he apologized to me today and gives me a big hug. I asked him what he was sorry for, he said he did not know, but he probably said some things he shouldn't have. He still feels counseling is a waste of time, he does not need it, we do not need it, but if I do then fine he would go. Again adding if it doesn't work, we are done. So, who has been here? Is this a good sign or just more crap? I do not want to end 20 years, I do not want to separate my family, lose my husband, or disrupt my daughter but I am tired. I don't sleep, barely eat, cry all the time, feel like I am letting him down, feel like I am letting me down. Am I asking too much? Does this get better or is the start of a fresh new hell?? I am not sure I have it in me to wait it out, but don't want to give up either.
They don't want to admit there is a problem with their drinking, or the marriage, because then they would have to face their own demons and they aren't strong enough to do that. That is why they drink. Then they blame it on us, to keep us in a place where they can control us and make us feel like we have to stay.
But, we are strong. You may not feel your strength and worth yet, but it is there. The proof is in all that you have done all these years to keep things going. You will know when you are strong enough and ready to move on. First, start working on yourself, leave them to deal with their own issues, that isn't your job. Start small like getting a nail polish or lipstick that makes you feel pretty when you wear it. Watch some shows or movies that really speak to you or as a distraction for awhile. Start dressing to make yourself feel better. Try and do something small every day, that makes you feel good about yourself. If is a wonderful journey, to rediscover yourself after having lost yourself for so long.
Much love and prayers my sisters in suffering.
who says you should be happy, after just 3 weeks of his not drinking? You have a right to your feelings. He is not drinking, but he is not working a recovery program. Working a recovery program would not only lessen the chance of serious relapse, but it would help him see areas he needs to work on in himself, to be someone that you could trust. He has hurt you and damaged your trust, repeatedly, for many, many years! That will take a lot of work to overcome.
What I have heard is the first year of sobriety is really hard, with a lot of emotional ups and downs for the alcoholic. And that they really are incapable of any sort of empathy, or understanding concerning what they've done to others. Not to excuse him, but you may want to distance yourself from him emotionally, for a bit. My AH was sober for 3 months a few years ago (white knuckling it, all the way, drug and alcohol testing required by a rehab), and he was a nightmare to live with, yelling at everyone, no patience, lots of anger. Everything in life seemed hard for him to get through. He had been using alcohol to get through life, and suddenly that was taken away. If he had really worked a program, and stuck with it, I'm guessing his disposition and insight would have improved.
Don't give any merit to things he says right now. A lot of couples live separate lives during the 1st year, some even separate, as this is the only way they can really work on themselves. I'll pray that he continues in his sobriety, and you find some peace. For many years, you've been preoccupied with what he was doing, instead of really processing your hurt and anger. Give yourself time to deal with all of these years of hurt and untrustworthy behavior. Sending hugs.