Thank you! You are so right. Right now I stay for my kids, but that could change. I absolutely hate not knowing what the future holds. I know I look put together to friends and family because I've always been a fighter. I've always gone after what I want and made it happen. But I cannot make my husband get sober. And I'm just not sure I can stay like this much longer. I want to be in control of my own destiny.....so I think eventually he will get sober or we will split. I am struggling with whether or not to let his family know that he's drinking again. I know it will hurt them, but I can't be his protector anymore. They are starting to blame our shortcomings on me and I don't want to be the fall guy for him anymore. I guess I haven't told them because the last time they actually thought they'd intervene and that would help. Unfortunately, their help is not helpful. I do have friends of mine that know and that helps a little.

Thats a darn good idea for real learningpatience! For real. We sit in embarrasment and silence for fear of judgement and everyday we struggle.
My kids school would often wonder why i was not as involved. Or i would get nasty looks from teachers at times. I could feel the thickness of judgement in the room it was so obvious. But did they know my husband was an alcoholic? Did they know i was in school full time and working full time while trying to balance my kids and my alcoholic husband so i could eventally get a divorce and leave!??! The fights, anger, diappointment, stress, burn out!?!?! They have no idea what i went through. Pissed me off to no end.
I think it would be a great idea

it's one of those things that is true for everyone, but so many people suffer in silence dealing with a person who has addiction, because there's so much shame and guilt associated with it. "why don't you just leave?" you know, it's just not that easy. i know i didn't understand it until i lived it, and we suffer in silence or we listen to people tell us the same thing over and over but the solution is not black and white. my AHs family all know about his addiction, at least on his father's side, his mother doesn't tell her family about it, but they're not supportive people. i still don't stand up more because i'm worried about the fall out for him than i am that people will think less of ME, because i know if i were to see a woman stand up in public and say out loud, MY HUSBAND IS A DRUNK AND I STAY BECAUSE X and Y and Z i wouldnt' have felt so alone. because really, we're hiding as much as they are, and more! because we have to make it seem like nothing is wrong, while they spin out of control. One day i'll do it. one day i'll have the courage. no wife or husband or child should have to feel so alone during what can be some of the darkest, most desperate times of your life.

learningpatience, I second all of that. It's like a double whammy. First we have to deal with our AH, then we have to suffer in isolation and humiliation bc sometimes letting family and friends know what is going on would actually be worse! I don't want my kids to be embarrassed. My MIL criticizes me (out loud in front of people) for not doing more with them and not having more family get togethers and for now, I bite my tongue (if only she knew why), but one day I won't, and I feel bad for everyone in the room that day if I get up the courage to say what I really want to say.

I love this post! I’m married 37 years. His drinking was always a problem and has gotten worse over time. I stayed for the kids. Then for the money ( pretty much still for $) not wealthy by any means but if I leave I would struggle financially.
Anyway I have begun over the last several years to share my situation with others when it feels right. I have discovered there are so many of us out there! Friendships rich with support and understanding and bonding have grown from those moments of bravery. I find I am giving up my shame and fear of judgement.. recently he got wasted and fell off a ladder, it was a bloody mess. I refused to ride in the ambulance with him and later I checked in on him in the ER . He was going to live, so I told the nurse that since he was drunk and nasty, he could clean up his own mess and find his own way home because I was leaving. ( I left my # in case of complications.) I wasn’t going to sit there and be embarrassed by his behavior.
So I’m glad I speak up now, and then others feel safe sharing as well.
We are not alone,