Well...I did it...something that I could never, ever have imagined doing.

I told my husband that I couldn't do this anymore. That I was emotionally drained and done. I told him that we are no longer seeing each other, no longer classifying ourselves as anything other than a separated couple.

He has barely spoken to me for nearly a week. He hasn't told me that he loved me for nearly a week. I haven't seen him, spoken to him (other than a couple of vague Facebook messages), hugged him, nothing. That, in itself, has been heart breaking to me. I have seen him a minimum of 4x per week since about a month after we moved out. This is the first weekend that I haven't spent with him since we moved out...because he didn't want us there.

I am almost doubting my decision right this second. I miss him already. BUT, I can't take the "he loves me, he loves me not" that he has been putting me through. This is the 3rd time that he has removed himself completely from the relationship since I've known him...and that's one time too many. Honestly, it's probably two times too many. I deserve more than that. With that being said...I still feel bad. I realize that he himself is going through a really rough time with being newly sober...that his life has to be upside down. And I'm terrified that my decision will make him drink again. He told me a few days ago that he'd been thinking about it, because of all the stress...but that he hadn't.

I feel so heart broken and devastated...but liberated and free all at the same time. As much as I love him, and as much as I said I would never ever be the one to walk away...I feel free, like a weight has lifted. I can't make him love me or the kids. I can't make him be the man that I want him to be. There are so many behaviors that he had when he was drinking that I always blamed on the alcohol...and I see that they are his true personality now. I want certain things from my partner, that he doesn't seem to be able to provide. Is that selfish of me? Maybe...I can't decide right this minute.

I know that tomorrow he will be angry with me and will say terrible, mean things to me. I know that the next few days will be filled with everybody in his life telling him that he will be better without me and the kids, that he was too good for us anyway, etc. I know him well too...he will put on a brave face and tell everybody that he is fine, that he doesn't need me, and he will flaunt new women...we've been down this road before several times. I just need the strength to not pay attention and focus on myself and my children.