Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
Hi,
I found this forum by googling "wives and girlfriends of alcoholics". I'm glad to know that this type of thing exists. I'm not sure what to say... except that I haven't been able to say anything to anyone. No one in my group of friends and family would understand what my life is like these days.
I'm at the point where I can safely say that it is not "a drinking problem", it is "alcoholism". Why is the "a" word so hard to say?
I guess I should give some background on myself and my situation. I am not technically a alcoholics wife. My boyfriend who I live with and have an 8 month old son with is an alcoholic. I fully planned on us being married long ago, but because of the mess that is our lives, that has not yet happened. And I'm not sure if the marriage thing would be a good idea anymore... I didn't think I would be living with and sharing a life and a child with an alcoholic. Especially not at only 24 years old. I had never been around heavy drinking before I met my boyfriend, I was ignorant to the negative effects alcohol can have on a family.
When we first met I was carefree and a little drinking didn't bother me. It wasn't until I was half way through my pregnancy when I realized that this wasn't just social drinking. My life is now filled with verbal abuse, loneliness, anger, resentment, indifference, sadness... I stay because I still hold on to the stupid hope that he will turn his life around permanently and we can raise our son together and have the "happy family".
I never knew that I could feel this cold towards someone who I once thought was my soul mate. There are still days where I see a glimmer of the person I used to be crazy in love with and I think that if I just give it time, it will fix itself. The reality, of course, is that it won't. Will I ever feel happiness and love towards him again? I'm not sure... I'm confused. What do I do? Where do I go?
My number one priority is to make the best life for my son that I possibly can. He is the sweetest little boy, and he loves his daddy so much already. It sickens me to think that within a couple of years my precious little boy could have heartbreak over his alcoholic dad. Eventually my boyfriend will speak to him the way he speaks to me. Eventually my son will overhear his father drunk and speaking nonsensical late at night and be confused. Eventually he will hear his father speak to me in a way that I would never want him to think is ok to speak to a woman. This is the part that breaks my heart more than anything.
If I even have a heart left to break, that is. I feel nothing towards him except disgust and annoyance usually. Anger one day, indifference the next. Will I ever want to be intimate with him again? Will I ever feel like I'm in love with him again?
I do love him. But the type of love I have for him is not romantic love. It's the kind of love that makes me want him to get help for himself. I can't stand to see him facing this disease. It's his fault though, isn't it? I'm not sure...
I'm not sure if he's ever really "sober". Is an alcoholic ever sober? He's angry all of the time... even when he hasn't had a drink in 2 days. Is this just who he is and I didn't see that side of him before? Or would this go away if he finally got help? I just don't know what's the alcohol and what is him.
His family knows he drinks too much, but they don't know what it's really like. They think I'm a cold hearted b!+ch I'm sure. But what they don't know is that this whole "wow he got really drunk last night, that was kind of annoying" thing is not even the tip of the iceberg to what our home life is everyday. It's in no way amusing to me to watch him make a fool of himself and to have drunken heart to hearts with everyone.
I kicked him out on Easter after he'd gone missing for 48 hours... drinking and cocaine binge with his friends... didn't answer one single phone call of mine. I didn't know whether to worry or be angry. He stayed at his sisters for a week, every day begging me to let him back, saying that he would give up drinking. I stupidly let him back after a week. He went 4 weeks without drinking a drop of alcohol. I think he thought that because he could do that it meant he didn't have a problem, because on the day that marked 4 weeks he got wasted and has been going strong ever since.
He blames work stress, unexpected pregnancy stress, new baby stress, financial stress... I'm sick of hearing it.
I'm sorry, I'm rambling. I guess I had more to say than I thought. I guess what I'm trying to say, in summary, is that I don't know the answers. I don't know where to go from here. I don't know what I should do to stop this before it takes his life. (He's only 30, but I'm sure his body has had significant physical damage done already). I know ultimatum's don't usually work... he needs to want the help himself. I think he does though. Are there success stories? Or am I wasting my time trying to make this work?
Thanks,
~K
I found this forum by googling "wives and girlfriends of alcoholics". I'm glad to know that this type of thing exists. I'm not sure what to say... except that I haven't been able to say anything to anyone. No one in my group of friends and family would understand what my life is like these days.
I'm at the point where I can safely say that it is not "a drinking problem", it is "alcoholism". Why is the "a" word so hard to say?
I guess I should give some background on myself and my situation. I am not technically a alcoholics wife. My boyfriend who I live with and have an 8 month old son with is an alcoholic. I fully planned on us being married long ago, but because of the mess that is our lives, that has not yet happened. And I'm not sure if the marriage thing would be a good idea anymore... I didn't think I would be living with and sharing a life and a child with an alcoholic. Especially not at only 24 years old. I had never been around heavy drinking before I met my boyfriend, I was ignorant to the negative effects alcohol can have on a family.
When we first met I was carefree and a little drinking didn't bother me. It wasn't until I was half way through my pregnancy when I realized that this wasn't just social drinking. My life is now filled with verbal abuse, loneliness, anger, resentment, indifference, sadness... I stay because I still hold on to the stupid hope that he will turn his life around permanently and we can raise our son together and have the "happy family".
I never knew that I could feel this cold towards someone who I once thought was my soul mate. There are still days where I see a glimmer of the person I used to be crazy in love with and I think that if I just give it time, it will fix itself. The reality, of course, is that it won't. Will I ever feel happiness and love towards him again? I'm not sure... I'm confused. What do I do? Where do I go?
My number one priority is to make the best life for my son that I possibly can. He is the sweetest little boy, and he loves his daddy so much already. It sickens me to think that within a couple of years my precious little boy could have heartbreak over his alcoholic dad. Eventually my boyfriend will speak to him the way he speaks to me. Eventually my son will overhear his father drunk and speaking nonsensical late at night and be confused. Eventually he will hear his father speak to me in a way that I would never want him to think is ok to speak to a woman. This is the part that breaks my heart more than anything.
If I even have a heart left to break, that is. I feel nothing towards him except disgust and annoyance usually. Anger one day, indifference the next. Will I ever want to be intimate with him again? Will I ever feel like I'm in love with him again?
I do love him. But the type of love I have for him is not romantic love. It's the kind of love that makes me want him to get help for himself. I can't stand to see him facing this disease. It's his fault though, isn't it? I'm not sure...
I'm not sure if he's ever really "sober". Is an alcoholic ever sober? He's angry all of the time... even when he hasn't had a drink in 2 days. Is this just who he is and I didn't see that side of him before? Or would this go away if he finally got help? I just don't know what's the alcohol and what is him.
His family knows he drinks too much, but they don't know what it's really like. They think I'm a cold hearted b!+ch I'm sure. But what they don't know is that this whole "wow he got really drunk last night, that was kind of annoying" thing is not even the tip of the iceberg to what our home life is everyday. It's in no way amusing to me to watch him make a fool of himself and to have drunken heart to hearts with everyone.
I kicked him out on Easter after he'd gone missing for 48 hours... drinking and cocaine binge with his friends... didn't answer one single phone call of mine. I didn't know whether to worry or be angry. He stayed at his sisters for a week, every day begging me to let him back, saying that he would give up drinking. I stupidly let him back after a week. He went 4 weeks without drinking a drop of alcohol. I think he thought that because he could do that it meant he didn't have a problem, because on the day that marked 4 weeks he got wasted and has been going strong ever since.
He blames work stress, unexpected pregnancy stress, new baby stress, financial stress... I'm sick of hearing it.
I'm sorry, I'm rambling. I guess I had more to say than I thought. I guess what I'm trying to say, in summary, is that I don't know the answers. I don't know where to go from here. I don't know what I should do to stop this before it takes his life. (He's only 30, but I'm sure his body has had significant physical damage done already). I know ultimatum's don't usually work... he needs to want the help himself. I think he does though. Are there success stories? Or am I wasting my time trying to make this work?
Thanks,
~K
If he is willing to admit that he has a drinking/drug problem and if he is willing to do some type of treatment program, then I would say you have a shot at making it work.
If he is like most alcoholics, it will take something monumental to get him to admit he has a problem and to then be willing to seek treatment. DUIs, car accident, losing his job...
Alcoholism is a disease, yes, but it's also HIS choice to drink. Nothing makes him drink except the desire to drink. He can blame stress, bills, crying kids, work, barking dogs or a head cold on the reason he decided to drink, but the real reason is because he has chosen to drink.
Your #1 priority right now is yourself and your son. Go with your instinct here. If you ever feel that your safety is threatened, or feel that your son's safety is threatened, then don't hesitate...go.
Make a plan. Be sure you have a safe place to stay. Keep a suitcase packed and hidden somewhere with clothing for you and your son. Squirrel away some cash. Open your own checking account, if you don't already have one.
And see if you can't find an Al-Anon program. You might find it very helpful for you.
Let us know how you are doing...we're here & we listen. :)
We are all here in the same boat....Our stories may be different, but you will read some that sound like we are with the same person. It is very comforting sometimes. Though we cannot go through each others pain and grief, we are here to lift each other up in the worst and sometimes the best times too. I am divorcing my husband right now because of his drinking. Fortunately, we don't have any kids together. I have 3 teenagers from a previous marriage. I am leaving to keep them safe... You are right to feel that you don't want your son to hear him speak to you that way. It will be difficult. You sound very mature at your young age. Follow your instincts. I don't have much advice for you as I have not been able to save my marriage. He is just so deep in denial that he blames me for everything. But that's ok. I know what I know, and I know it's not my fault. We cannot take responsibility for their drinking, only our own actions and protecting our children. If your boyfriend continues this way, you will no doubt pull farther away. Be careful if this happens. His ranting may escalate towards you and your son and trying to blame you for his problems. Check in here as much as you can, because all of these ladies are very supportive and they will tell you like it is... good luck...
There is so much to learn about alcoholism. There are terms like dry drunk which are ways to describe the behavior of an alcoholic who is not drinking but not sober. I learned some of this through Al-Anon. They have books if you aren't ready for meetings.
I feel like I'm rambling as I'm trying to tell you all kinds of things that are running through my head! I just want you to know that there is information that will help you and there are people who will help you. It may not be your family or his family, but there are caring, supportive people out there who understand this and will help.
Stay strong
Here's what you can do:
You can take care of yourself. I understand how isolated you feel. I would suggest finding a therpist if that's at all a possibility for you. You still need support and you won't get it from your boyfriend. You can talk with a therapist and not feel vulnerable to your trust being betrayed. Al-Anon is also a good suggestion.
You can stand up for yourself. You can tell him how you feel and your concerns for your son. Check out the discussion started by Jamie about "accomodating" being a confusing term. There is a lot there on protecting yourself.
You can be honest with your boyfriend about the situation. This to me is different than an ultimatum. He needs to know how you will and won't live. You aren't saying... you stop doing X or I'll leave. You are saying, I won't live in an unstable or dangerous situation. I won't come home to a drunk husband. I won't subject my son to this type of environment. Don't make what you do dependent on what he does. Tell him what you will and won't accept. He then has a choice to respect that or not.
I'm so sorry you've found yourself in this situation. It is very, very difficult. It sounds to me like your tank for dealing with this is already pretty empty. You're asking yourself the right questions, and it is incredibly difficult to know the right answers. There are no guarantees and most everyone here has dealt with multiple relapses. The point that you decide to leave is different for everyone. Your answer may be the lack of trust you were talking about. This doesn't go away easily or quickly. Repairing it takes an incredible amount of work by both of you.
As Mezz told me when I posted for the first time, glad you found us... so sorry you need us.
After I wrote my post, I read through several of your posts and realized I could have written several of those same stories and feelings. It made things more clear for me.
I have wanted to see a therapist for a while now, but the finances just aren't there unfortunately. I didn't know what Al Anon was until some of you mentioned it and I looked it up. I would love to be able to speak with someone about all of the damage this has done to me personally, instead of always focusing on him.
I guess it does seem to be a pretty simple solution to leave him since we're not married. If it weren't for our son, I would have left long ago. If he doesn't seek help and make a life change, it will be just the opposite and I will have to leave FOR my son... as he gets older he will start to understand. I'm just not quite ready yet.
My biggest hope is that he chooses to make the commitment to get healthy... if that is to happen I would still need therapy to get me back to a place where I could ever trust, respect and love him again. It seems like a lot of work, and maybe a false hope.
I'm taking your advice and starting to save money, privately, so that I have a cushion to live off of when it gets to the point where he has to leave. Alot of times, I think the only reason I am still with him is because I can't afford to live on my own... I think that setting aside money and resources ahead of time will make me feel more confident to stand my ground when it comes time to tell him what I will and will not live with.
Last time I kicked him out, the part that made me weak was that everyone else turned their back on him as well and I felt sorry for him and I worried that he would become depressed and homeless... etc etc. He had no one to go to, so I let him back in. I know that's not my problem. But it was hard, and I think that I need to be prepared to feel sorry for him again, and for him to sweet talk me and make false promises...and this time I will be stronger.
Thank you everyone, I'm glad I found you guys. It has already helped substantially to be able to talk about it, and to be able to read your stories and advice.
-K
My hope for you is that he does get treatment and you can have the family with him that you always wanted.
Larger cities quite often have low cost or even free counseling services. You may want to do some Google searches to see if such things are available in your area. If you are involved with a church, you may want to ask your priest or pastor for a referral. They tend to hear from people in trouble and often know how to help you patch into a network for help.
Take care of yourself!
Nell
One of the things that I learned was that no matter how much you love, how much you want what is best for the alcoholic, the only thing that you can change and control is yourself and your part in the relationship. I learned that for myself inaction was the best action, as I tend to be very head strong and willed and not one to give in or give up easily, and the more I fed into his craziness from alcohol, the crazier it made me feel inside and out. It's a hard lesson to learn for sure and one that takes constant effort every day.
My AH has been sober for over a month now. I made plans, had money saved and was ready for him not to quit, but by the grace of God and his own realization that it was out of control and that I would not and could not take his way of living anymore, he managed to quit. There is always the chance and probability that he will "slip" and I am prepared for that too.
As Julia Roberts said in Steel Magnolias --- I would rather have 30 minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special. I just decided that I was miserable with him and I could be miserable without him too, but being miserable alone would be my doing and that I could change.
I think that is a woman's biggest fear - of being alone, of not having someone to love and to love her back just a much, of being let down again by the same man or another man. But, through this forum and a book from Al-Anon, I found that I was stronger than I thought. The more I understood myself and my roles in his disease, the better I was able to understand him and the disease itself.
There are no simple solutions or easy fixes to this disease, no pills to suddenly make the want/need for a drink disappear, until the alcoholic is ready to admit that they have a problem. Nothing worked for me to get him to quit drinking, crying, begging, fighting, worrying about who he might kill on the road, what would happen to our house and myself if he managed to kill himself or lose it all for us.
Giving up the fight and letting it go was the only way I found some peace of mind for myself and once I had a clear head about where I wanted to go and what I needed, I told him. I did not give up on him, I just gave up the fight of trying to change someone who was not ready and did not want to change.
I wish you luck in finding the answers you seek. Just know that you are not alone in this and that the women here are smart and willing to lend a shoulder or an ear.
God bless you and your son.
Bookworm