Damn, a double whammy. Only you can decide when you have had enough. But I would ask yourself, is what you are fighting for worth the battle you are in? He is drinking, lying, and cheating and does not seem interested in improving. What outcome do you want, and realistically, are you likely to get it? I am so sorry you have to deal with all of this. As I said, only you can decide what is right for you, but it is time that you choose what that is. Please take care of yourself.

Dear DazedandConfused. Like JJN said only you can decide when YOU have had enough. You can not control him and have no power to make him change. You will know when you reach that point and are ready/able to make changes. It has taken me a lot of time to go from "I will not leave him because I don't want to give up the $$$/assets" to "I am making my plans now to leave him when I need to even if it is going to cost me dearly in financial terms".

Look at what you have invested in the relationship in terms of emotions and $. Decide what you can, or can not, live with. Make peace with yourself and move on.

Big hug.

Don't be with someone who puts everything else than you first. Love yourself and get to a place of moving on without him.

There is so much involved in making a decision to leave. Do you have kids? Are you financially independent? Will you kick yourself in the butt if you stay with him?

We do have one teenage son, that is also suffering from my husbands drinking. I work part time, so financially it will be a struggle. I had a heart to heart with the hubby yesterday. I told him that I cannot continue to live with someone that is intoxicated every night and never know what mood he is in. I told him that I would support a leave of absence from work so that he could figure out what he needed to do to become happy again. I also told him that I have gotten the names of attorneys from our EAP in the event that he is not willing to work on the drinking. He feels back doored and that I have already made the decision to leave. I made sure to tell him this decision wasn't about him but me and what I needed for my son and I. So, he has said that he will try to slow down his drinking and I will do better at cleaning and cooking since that is one of my faults!! Oh alcoholic husbands, it's all about them.

"Slow down his drinking" means nothing. Part of being an alcoholic is not being able to stop. At best he will cut back for a few days or weeks. More than likely he will drink however much he feels like and hide it from you when he thinks you'll think he has had enough.

What's with cooking and cleaning? He needs to help with that as well. I hope that isn't all on you.

I know that him slowing down the drinking means nothing. He has already told me that he will never entirely give it up unless "he thinks it's a problem." I just wanted him to be aware that there were going to be consequences, he already has used the excuse of alcohol to carry on a relationship with another woman. The "cooking and cleaning" is on me! He has to have something to blame me for.

Sounds like my situation. Everytime I bring up his drinking (he drank 17 beers in 24 hours on his day off yesterday....I've recently started counting again), he say I need to stop leaving messes everywhere. He works part time, I hold 2 jobs (one full time, one part) and we have 2 toddlers. I resent him and don't know what to do. I just know that I think I need to be the one to make the change.

The alcoholic will "butt" heads with you all the time. This behaviour is a deflection mechanism to shift attention from himself to you. This way, in his mind, the problem becomes yours not his.

A recovering alcoholic, who became a counsellor, told me that bottom line the alcoholic will not change unless he reaches that point where he has to change. The alcoholic will give up almost everything including health, job stability, wife, family, friends, etc. Nothing will make them change until they hit their own rock bottom (if ever).
You can however change what you can control. You have to decide for yourself when your reach your rock bottom with the situation as to what you want to do. In the mean time don't expect him to change.
You have my support and understanding.

Well..Husband left 5 days ago for inpatient treatment!! As thrilled as I am it is definitely scary. Who knows who he is chatting with when he doesn't call home or is he working his program? He's gone for at least another 23 days. This is going to be hard.

Let it go, what he may be up to. He will have to live with the consequences of his actions. He has to fix himself. Make 23 days about you and how peaceful the house is without him and all the stress he adds to the situation. Detach yourself from his poor actions and choices. You are only in control of how you let things affect you. Don't let him affect you poorly anymore. Build yourself up, it is okay and you deserve to put yourself first.