Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
I realize that this is a group for Wives of Alcoholics, but while reading other posts, it seemed as though I may be welcomed here. I am really searching for reassurance that I am heading in the right direction, as I am completely torn right now. Here is my story (sorry if it is long-winded):
My wife and I have been married almost 10 years, and have 2 great boys (6yr old and 8month old). We met in our early 20s and were married within a year. Things were always pretty good between us, until about 3 years ago when my wife began to secretly drink wine throughout the day. Apparently this went on for a year without me realizing exactly what was happening (I thought she had lost her mind), but after I found her stash, everything became clear in that aspect. I discovered that she was drinking from morning to night and driving my son around while doing so. After finding out about this, I immediately took over full care of him and got her into a 30day inpatient rehab.
After rehab, things went really well for a while. She attended AA meetings every day. She had a sponsor. Things were pretty good for our family. So after about a year we decided to have another baby. She stopped plugging into a AA program during the pregnancy and 4 months after he was born, things started to take a pretty bad turn. She started battling with post partum depression; unable to get out of bed for days and incapable of taking care of our boys. I came home from work one day to find her nearly passed out on top of our infant while feeding him. She was wasted. We immediately went to her doctor and they gave her some meds to help with the post-partum depression. She was able to start functioning again, but seemed to fall off the wagon every few weeks. She would claim she was going to AA meetings or meeting with her sponsor during this time, however, later found out that this was not true.
Around 3 months ago, I got a call while at work from a police officer informing me that my wife was going to jail and my boys were going to the hospital. I have never been so scared or angry in my entire life. She had been fallen off the wagon again and was running errands with the boys while black-out drunk. She dropped our baby a number of times and luckily bystanders intervened, took the boys away, and called the police. The boys were fine, aside from some bruises on our youngest, and the mental trauma to my 6 year old of seeing his mother belligerent and arrested. I let her sit in jail for 4 days, which was incredibly hard for me to do, despite what she had done. I gave her the option of going directly into another rehab or staying in jail; she chose rehab.
She never really seemed the same after this incident with the boys and the arrest. She seemed cold and distant. I know she feels terrible about what she did, but did not seem to want to take full responsibility for her actions. Halfway through her 30 days in rehab, she stated that she did not plan to come home and that she wanted a separation from our marriage. She says she felt abandoned her in jail, and that she that I didn't show her enough affection. I was blown away by this, but thought she just hadn't come out of her haze from this incident.
Fast forward 6 weeks. She moved in with a few people she met from rehab, immediately after getting out. She sees our boys a handful of hours a week, supervised. We attend couples counseling, however, she is not interested in reconciling. One night, I get a call from one of her roommates asking me to come pick her up. She had relapsed again and my wife wanted me to pick her up and take her home. I nursed her back to health and tried to get her back into a rehab program, because she was in pretty bad shape. She refuses. She admits that she met a guy in rehab and has been living with him (and drinking with him). She says they love each other and that he has offered to take care of her and the boys. She wants to take them with her as soon as the restrictions are lifted.
Needless to say, I was enraged and baffled by all of this. This is not the person I know, and I realize that all of these things are cliché trappings that alcoholics fall into. She is super smart and knows that all of these actions and emotions are textbook in recovery.
I love her, but I have no choice but to focus what is in the best interest of our boys. She is not capable of protecting or providing for them at this point. I consulted with a family law attorney to obtain sole custody during this time, and was left filing for a TRO and divorce. I know this has to happen, but I never thought I would be here. This is not how I envisioned my life. I am terrified for how she is going to react when she is served the papers. I really just want her to be happy and healthy, but I feel she is going to continue to spiral out of control.
I am getting lots of advice from friends and family... but am really hoping to hear the perspective of others that have had similar experiences.
My wife and I have been married almost 10 years, and have 2 great boys (6yr old and 8month old). We met in our early 20s and were married within a year. Things were always pretty good between us, until about 3 years ago when my wife began to secretly drink wine throughout the day. Apparently this went on for a year without me realizing exactly what was happening (I thought she had lost her mind), but after I found her stash, everything became clear in that aspect. I discovered that she was drinking from morning to night and driving my son around while doing so. After finding out about this, I immediately took over full care of him and got her into a 30day inpatient rehab.
After rehab, things went really well for a while. She attended AA meetings every day. She had a sponsor. Things were pretty good for our family. So after about a year we decided to have another baby. She stopped plugging into a AA program during the pregnancy and 4 months after he was born, things started to take a pretty bad turn. She started battling with post partum depression; unable to get out of bed for days and incapable of taking care of our boys. I came home from work one day to find her nearly passed out on top of our infant while feeding him. She was wasted. We immediately went to her doctor and they gave her some meds to help with the post-partum depression. She was able to start functioning again, but seemed to fall off the wagon every few weeks. She would claim she was going to AA meetings or meeting with her sponsor during this time, however, later found out that this was not true.
Around 3 months ago, I got a call while at work from a police officer informing me that my wife was going to jail and my boys were going to the hospital. I have never been so scared or angry in my entire life. She had been fallen off the wagon again and was running errands with the boys while black-out drunk. She dropped our baby a number of times and luckily bystanders intervened, took the boys away, and called the police. The boys were fine, aside from some bruises on our youngest, and the mental trauma to my 6 year old of seeing his mother belligerent and arrested. I let her sit in jail for 4 days, which was incredibly hard for me to do, despite what she had done. I gave her the option of going directly into another rehab or staying in jail; she chose rehab.
She never really seemed the same after this incident with the boys and the arrest. She seemed cold and distant. I know she feels terrible about what she did, but did not seem to want to take full responsibility for her actions. Halfway through her 30 days in rehab, she stated that she did not plan to come home and that she wanted a separation from our marriage. She says she felt abandoned her in jail, and that she that I didn't show her enough affection. I was blown away by this, but thought she just hadn't come out of her haze from this incident.
Fast forward 6 weeks. She moved in with a few people she met from rehab, immediately after getting out. She sees our boys a handful of hours a week, supervised. We attend couples counseling, however, she is not interested in reconciling. One night, I get a call from one of her roommates asking me to come pick her up. She had relapsed again and my wife wanted me to pick her up and take her home. I nursed her back to health and tried to get her back into a rehab program, because she was in pretty bad shape. She refuses. She admits that she met a guy in rehab and has been living with him (and drinking with him). She says they love each other and that he has offered to take care of her and the boys. She wants to take them with her as soon as the restrictions are lifted.
Needless to say, I was enraged and baffled by all of this. This is not the person I know, and I realize that all of these things are cliché trappings that alcoholics fall into. She is super smart and knows that all of these actions and emotions are textbook in recovery.
I love her, but I have no choice but to focus what is in the best interest of our boys. She is not capable of protecting or providing for them at this point. I consulted with a family law attorney to obtain sole custody during this time, and was left filing for a TRO and divorce. I know this has to happen, but I never thought I would be here. This is not how I envisioned my life. I am terrified for how she is going to react when she is served the papers. I really just want her to be happy and healthy, but I feel she is going to continue to spiral out of control.
I am getting lots of advice from friends and family... but am really hoping to hear the perspective of others that have had similar experiences.
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Hi. This is my first post. I'm here because my husband is an addict and it's having a negative impact on our marriage and my emotional and mental well being. He's an alcoholic who is also addicted to pornography and video gaming. He spends every moment that he isn't at work or sleeping drinking beer, playing his video games, and looking at porn. He's completely pushed me out of his life. We don't...
You got this!!
HealthyLove - I hope she does get well someday. I still care for her deeply, however, we have all been on this rollercoaster long enough, and it is time for my boys and me to get off. I hope that she can do the same eventually. I am seeing my own counselor and will continue to do so for a bit... I am surprised how manic my emotions can be. It has been tough, and don't imagine that it will get any easier any time soon.
Thank you both!
But you are looking out for your sons well being. Even if we know
It the right thing to do it's still so very hard.
Your wife will see this too if she can get herself straight.
You take care of the boys and yourself and keep encouraging
He to get help.
As everyone else has said, stay in counseling for yourself and I would also suggest if they aren't already seeing a counselor, the children should as well.
It's very difficult to accept this reality but you must and remember always that even though this may be very hard for the kids, in the end it is much better for them. Living with an alcoholic parent that is always unpredictable and unreliable leaves a lasting impression. Better to get them out of this situation now before it gets worse.
Hope these words aren't too harsh. It's just I've had my daughter tell me how she wished I had taken her out of the situation when it started to get really bad instead of waiting for things to get better. They don't get better if the alcoholic doesn't want it to.
Sending hugs!
I found "The Alcoholic relationship survival guide" by Doug Kelley helpful in clearing my head. It's written by a man with a young son who was married to an alcoholic, and it focuses on us - the non-alcoholic spouse.
There's no doubt in my mind that you will get full custody. My lawyer said that judges have very little tolerance when drug or alcohol abuse is affecting the children. With her arrest record and relapses, I'm sure they will see you as the stable parent.
It won't be easy, but you are doing the right thing. Know that in your heart, and each time you look at your boys. It's sad the path that she has chosen, but in my experience alcoholics rarely recover.
Thank you for your support. I know I am making the right decision when I think about this situation logically. I have really been struggling this week since filing the paperwork. My wife seems to really be making the extra effort to show up and spend more time with the boys and is supposedly plugging into more AA meetings. She is claiming that nothing like this will happen again, and I believe that she believes this. So, I am starting to feel bad about her getting served later this week... logically, I understand that this is probably just another high point on the rollercoaster of her addiction, but it still causes doubt.
keatamax - Thank you for the suggestion to read "The Alcoholic Relationship Survival Guide." I am about a third of the way finished and it is really helping me so far.
The hardest part is getting back to ME - the person I was before I became codependent. I'm determined to get there. Fortunately my children are 14 and 16 now, so it has gotten easier.
It's time for you and your kids to get off the roller coaster - don't be reeled back in by promises. She has endangered your kids in the past - I would never leave them alone with her again. Someone was watching over them, and they may not be so lucky next time. Don't let ANYONE guilt you into letting them go with her. It's a crappy situation, but each day that passes is one day closer to a better and more peaceful life.
I'm so sorry you are going throught this, but you're making good decisions. Please get to alanon!
I sure wish you and your boys well and we never know what gods 'plan' is, but life is about lessons. One scripture I read was sometimes god tears us apart so that we can learn from our mistakes, make things right and be better people the second time around. Your wife may need a BIG kick in the ass so she can become a better person to herself and her family.
My usual question is this: What is the family history of alcoholism and/or other dysfunction in your estranged's background?
may the force be with you