Perfectly spoken. It certainly is difficult ( trying ) to love an alcoholic/addict. I think you've done the right thing., as hard and painful as it is. My heart goes out to you. I have some advise, if you don't mind... most of which I learned the hard way.
Stick to your conviction. Never argue or try to have a discussion while he is drunk, it is a waste of time. When he is sober- state your case and do not let yourself get manipulated. Stand your ground walk away when your boundaries have been crossed. Begin to rebuild your social life with out your AH's attendance. Most importantly, find satisfying activities to do with your children so that every moment does not feel consumed with thinking about alcoholism.
Educate your self! I found many books that helped me tremendously. I put myself into therapy, also very helpful. And support groups so you don't feel alone.
Journal!!!!! In a journal you can curse and scream and say whatever you want to vent and figure out your feelings. Okay... I'm done.
I send my love and support.

Thank you so much for your comments and support. I find comfort in the knowledge that I'm not the only one who has these feelings of hopelessness, and that I'm not suffering alone. I cried myself to sleep last night. Cried again when I woke up this morning. But today is a new day and I'm hoping to seek the light and see past this horrible moment in time. I'm hopeful my discussion with my AH yesterday (and again this morning when he was sober) will be a turning point. He said when he was attending AA 6 years ago, it was the best he'd felt about himself since he's been an addict. He said he's starting group again tomorrow, but this time he'll get a sponsor. So, that's something I guess. I like the idea of a journal. A safe place to vent my frustration, especially in the social media age where I'm tempted to write an angry FB post when I'm suffering. ;)

Also, guard your heart. You can be hopeful, but not expect anything to change. Let this be all on him. Don't carry the weight of it anymore, give it all to him. Let him go through his struggles and face the consequences of his actions. You can love someone without trying to take their pain away.

So.proud of you. It is so important that we (the family.of the alcoholic) say where we stand and make it known to the alcoholic it isn't ok. I was right where you were last year with muay husband. He is 5 months sober and in outpatient right now. But I didn't realize how much I was hurt angry bitter and traumatized from his drinking. I really encourage you tomseek.out support i tired Alanon and I didn't like the group I went to. But maybe in your area you have a good one. It doesn't hurt to go and try. You aren't alone an don't feel that you havento.take this on alone. Stay strong and stick.to.your word. Here for support if you need it

I've looked into the alanon groups in my area, and I'm thinking about going to a meeting. Honestly though, I think my first step in my healing might be to seek out a counselor. I think my lack of control over the situation is causing me to have thoughts that just aren't me. Thoughts that I don't necessarily want my life to be over, but that it would be so much easier to not be here anymore to face the enormity of this decision that I'm standing at the brink of. I want someone else to take the wheel so the burden of my decision is not mine alone to bear. But then I look at my 2 amazing children, and I know that I'm the only guaranteed stability they have. I need to be healthy and whole again. This addiction is like a dark monster, it's tentacles are far reaching, and it's going to consume me too.

Hi there! Your post spoke to me! I just joined this group tonight. I was hoping to find support, answers, and people I could relate to. I understand feeling like your marriage is broken. I feel like our marriage has never been 100% due to his addictions. He's always tired, very selfish, usually sneaking drinks here or there. I like how you said "why does he even hide it?" I think the same thing! I find my husband's hidden liquor bottles, glasses, water bottles filled with vodka, it's bullsh*t! We have a 2 year old and I can't spend the rest of our lives like this. I'm 34 and want more kids. I want a husband who WANTS to spend time with his family...what a concept! My husband currently won't talk to me and barely acknowledges our daughter. I want you to know if you ever need to talk or VENT I am hear to listen! I think as women our plate is so full already, and then you add this! We can't take on all of this stress and not break down once in awhile! We need to feel like we are not alone! That's what I am looking for through this group! I will keep your family in my thoughts and prayers while I pray for my own!
❤️Jen

I pray that you can find your way out and on to a better life Jennfur25. You are still young enough to have some more kids. I have had a few major break downs over the last 4-5 years, where I could barely function. I wish I had found this place sooner. I have reached a place of strength and overcoming now, but I pray none of you out here have to go through those major breakdowns. I will be here to help anyone that needs it.

In a similar situation, the scenarios you live, I live as well. I have a 2 year old and feel most days it'd be easier honestly to truly be a single parent instead of constantly be disappointed when he's late or not involved or doesn't help out at all. Plus the idea has begun to occur to me maybe there's more in terms of a relationship, someone who wants to be with me and my child, who I have passion for, who stimulates me emotionally and inntectually, these things are close to gone for me.

I do have a question though if you are willing to share your answer as I am working on my "ultimatum" so to speak. What does progress look like at the end of that 6 months? Will it still be gray or based on how you feel or measurable in some way like only drank x # of days? Curious for my own processing :) Wish you the best!

Hi lostinsnow. I'm sorry you're struggling right now. :( My ultimatum was pretty cut and dry. I knew if there was absolutely no effort on his part, that I would leave. I gave myself 6 months because I needed time to research new living arrangements and all the other logistics of separation. I know there will be setbacks in his recovery, and I know he'll never be healed from this. I know it will always be lingering in the background of our lives. What I also understand is the way I felt a month ago when I made this post is NEVER a place I want to be again. I will never let someone make me feel so broken and down. I will never feel so alone again. So in the last month, I've worked on that part of me while he's worked on sobriety.

There can never be 'X' number of drinks in a day or week for him. That's how it gets out of hand every time. Because he manages for awhile with control, but then before he knows it 1 has turned to 2, then 3, and then we're back in this place again.

He started AA again, and this time he found someone to sponsor him. Those meetings are a check point, and I think a very crucial part of maintaining sobriety for him. As for me, I joined a Alanon group. I think it's been very good for me with regards to the loneliness because I realized there are others with the exact same struggle and sadness and frustration as me.

So maybe he'll have a bad day, and make a bad choice again. But as long as he's trying hard everyday and continuing to actively work on sobriety and attending his meetings, then I consider that progress. For now all is well. I feel like a cloud had been lifted. I think realizing it's out of my control has helped. And he really wants sobriety. So I guess I'm lucky there.

Good luck to you! I always root for the marriage, but a lifetime is a long time to fight this uphill battle. But work on YOU. Do what makes YOU happy. It's a sister sorority we didn't want or ask for, but just know you're not alone. :)

Jenn77--we're in the same (sinking) boat. I could have written your exact words...

"They've been happy years minus the alcoholism that keeps rearing it's ugly head" EXACTLY! We're coming up on 20 years in a few months with an 18yr old and 17yr old. I tend to forget the bad times, but when I sit down and think, this has been a carousel since my kids were toddlers.

"He's not mean or abusive, just drinks to the point of passing out and then misses everything" EXACTLY! On Christmas night, our just-turned 17 year old daughter wanted to watch home movies from when she was little. My H was supportive of the idea--"c'mon honey come watch with her..." but said in totally slurred voice. With her teens having been really pretty sucky, this was just about hearing angels sing! I dropped everything and sat with her. And he was snoring in 2 minutes. This is like 8:30pm. And when he got up to go to the bathroom, he totally weaved all over. Makes it to the bathroom and I hear the decorative stuff on the windowsill clanking together. I jumped up thinking he fell. I almost wish he did. Maybe it would have woken him up (figuratively). This is her last Christmas before college. This is what she'll remember. Super.

"I've tried screaming. I've tried crying. He sobers up for a short time, but then he's back to hiding alcohol in the garage, and sneaking sips when he thinks I don't notice. I can spot it from across the room when he's started drinking again. I don't know why he bothers to hide it." EXACTLY! He just happens to have to go down to the basement for something a couple of times a night. He tries to hide it by having a glass or two of wine, but it's SO obvious there's a lot more in his bloodstream.

"I've lost some of my closest friends because social situations have become awkward." EXACTLY! We don't socialize at all anymore. I think our last time was last October ('15). It was obvious he drank too much and started getting all argumentative. The pitying looks killed me. And knowing he was the driver made me feel so much shame that he showed everyone he cared more about drinking than getting us home safe.

"Because he manages for awhile with control, but then before he knows it 1 has turned to 2, then 3, and then we're back in this place again." EXACTLY! Why oh why does he just not get it? He cried in front of my therapist when he came to a session and swore up, down, and sideways that he'd do whatever it takes not to lose us. He went to AA for a few months. And then he's at the bottom of the slippery slope again. :(

I'm brand new so I don't know how this totally works, but if you want to email each other, that'd be great!

I'm new here too, but I recently reached my ultimatum day as well. We've been together almost 9 years, married 5-1/2 now. I realized early on he was an alcoholic but it didn't seem as bad as in the past year or so. He's a highly functioning alcoholic and even controls it - most of the time. But in the past year he has taken to hiding liquor, and presumes I don't notice when he's more than "beer drunk".
His drinking has caused him to make bad choices for our marriage, so last week we had a major blowup and I've given him until mid-March to get on board with a good, honest healthy marriage or I'm out. Sadly, it hurt much less this time than in the past, and I'm fully prepared to move forward if he opts to "fix" things this time like we have in the past - which means he says he'll do better and we settle back into status quo after a month or so.- while nothing has actually changed.
So, here I am...watching and waiting. And asking God for strength.

AH drank so much on Christmas Eve that he was too drunk to go to candlelite service. All the kids, my elderly parents, aunts and uncles were in attendance. He was noticeably absent and I did not hesitate to tell them he was too drunk to come to church. Tired of hiding his addiction from others and making excuses for declining social events. I can relate to the random "trips to the basement" and in my case, "trips to the barn to check the animals." Does anyone else's husband buy you a 6 pack every night, knowing you may drink 2 beers and that he will then drink the rest after you go to bed?? I often remove alcohol from the fridge and hide it throughout the house so he won't have easy access to it after he consumes his own stash. Does anyone else feel like they are raising an unruly teenager??

I can relate to that. Even though some days I'd like to come home and have drink to unwind, I don't keep alcohol in the house. I have a bottle of alcohol it could last a month, but if it's open, he'll polish it off as soon as he thinks I'm not looking. And it doesn't matter what kind it is...I've tried buying something I know he doesn't care for...doesn't matter, if it's the only option, he'll drink it. But keep in mind, he doesn't think he has a drinking problem.

My heart goes out to everyone living with AH. We are in the club we never wanted to join! My husband is sober for over 18 mos. He lost his job (he says he quit)...but was forced out of a partner position. He is grateful for the intervention I arranged and new friends in AA. However, even with sobriety this nightmare continues. Today we discussed selling our house to downsize. I'm thinking of restarting my career after 15 years caring for our children. The stress is horrendous. I'm worried that he is still mentally ill. I don't know if I can rely on him. He still has occasional angry outbursts. A beautiful marriage morphed into hell during the drunk enough years. We are working now to repair, but I've been through trauma and so have my kids. I feel like he took the best years of my life and twisted/distorted them. Everyone tells me that I'm strong/amazing....it's a success story since he is sober. In my head I decided to forgive him, but the heart is another matter. Does anyone on this forum have a story of marriage thriving after sobriety?

I feel for you. One of the hardest things I found was coping with the lies and the hiding. If my husband could have jus been honest and said 'I've had a drink, this is what triggered me to have it, can we work through what I should do'...or something like that...I could have coped better. But the lies and hiding are heartbreaking. If your partner truly wants to quit he should consider Antabuse - it's a daily tablet that causes severe nausea amongst other reactions if you consume alcohol. It stays in the bloodstream for days and so removes the ability for them to 'impulse drink.' Worth looking in to as a factor in a recovery plan.