What a good problem to have! I would try to explain that to your husband. Just living and dealing with an alcoholic husband can take everything you have. Tell him that you are learning a new way to live just like he is. I hope he can stay sober and you two can start a new happy life together!

Thanks sevier. Definitely, it's a great problem to have. It did take so much out of me to cope with his drinking. I have told him that to bear with me because it will probably take me longer to adjust to him being sober than it will take him- I was involved in his treatment but, I didn't go through it every day so, I didn't get as much information as he did nor do I live in his head so, it took me a bit to realize I had to trust that the treatment did take and that he really is moving his life forward and not white knuckling it. His program was amazing and I was dumbfounded by what a good fit it was for his personality- complete dumb luck that the best facility in our state was to close by and perfect for him (more educational, not based in AA format) he actually LIKED a lot of what he learned. But, anyway, now it's about him staying sober and our relationship shifting into a partnership rather than the mother/ child dynamic we were accustomed to and for me, trusting that I'm actually free to do other things rather than being on high alert for the next binge. It's extremely hard for me to explain to anyone how hard this is because, it's wonderful to be in this place, and completely confusing and really difficult for me to navigate because it's no unfamiliar as well. Thanks again! Yes, absolutely, hoping it continues to go well, but, he is doing so great thus far.

You will take some time to adjust to a new, healthier existence instead of living in survival mode. Be patient with yourself. Celebrate the days when you get things done, even if it is just the dishes. Then do something nice for yourself. Also, if your therapist continues to be of no help, find a new one. I wish you all the luck in the world.

A couple of thoughts to ponder....

I totally agree with the assessment that this is a very good problem to have.

AA’s approach is not for everyone and as long as the treatment took hold and he’s liking the new way of life, you should have every reason to be cautiously optimistic that 2 months will progress to 2 years and, eventually, a lot more. I am 21 years sober but have vivid recollections the first few months months after my last drink.

For me, the honeymoon period was the first 5 months. At that point I felt like there was enough time and reflection that I was beginning to merge back into normal life. At first it was a lot like visiting a foreign country and not speaking the language -everything was vivid and new and exciting, but also uncomfortable. I became a 1st time parent just before I marked 2 years. At that point I was pretty well committed to the proposition that I would be a much better parent and spouse staying sober and hopefully breaking the cycle. I am ACOA, too.

The challenges for your husband are twofold...maintaining the sobriety which is 100% his walk to walk and requires him to be brutally honest with himself, and playing an active role in healing and rebuilding your relationship. It is absolutely not like, “I’m back, where we’re we?”. He surely feels guilt and shame and remorse for the damage done and trust lost. You guys need to talk about that. That is a part of his journey that you can share and will be supportive of his work.

Your hyper-vigilant fight or flight responses are not going to go away right away. They are way deep down in your unconscious brain and will gradually diminish. Please don’t say things like, “I know it is silly” or “this doesn’t make sense now”. It is a bit like a grieving process and takes time.

If you feel like he is ahead of you, and especially if he ispulling you too quickly in that direction, just have the uncomfortable conversation that you need time for your wounds to heal because they are, in many ways, deeper than his. This isn’t about blame or guilt - it is about how do you individually and as a couple get to a place that is better than it ever was before....together.

may the force be with you

Thanks for your insights! Bluesprite72- I think this is where my therapist and I are at odds- While I see his point where okay, your husband is sober, what are YOU going to do for YOU? Makes perfect sense. However, it also feels like a LOT of pressure for me to just pick up and move on and not look back or take a moment to take stock of just how much my life has changed in a really, really short period of time. We JUST got married, not even a month ago. He JUST got a job. He pretty much JUST got sober... It's a ton to take in. Essentially being told "now what are you going to do?" Like all this change is not enough, with the focus seeming to be on what my next big move is going to be (seems to really be pushing me career-wise- logical place to push me but, geez) I think you are right with me- I'm at the place where just doing the dishes is to be celebrated. Pushing me to the next step? That's just simply not where I'm at- yet anyway. Pietro84- Thank you for your insight- he seems to really be happy with where his life is now- he seems to be really enjoying his job and they seem to really like him. He's recognizing that it's harder for him to cope emotionally but, from my own observations, that seems to be making slow improvements (the job seems to help a lot there- something to combat boredom, make him feel productive etc.) I'm definitely struggling with the "It's NOT just like we white-wash it all" but, it would seem the societal standard is "He's sober, this is fantastic, get on with your lives!" I'm slowly learning to trust him again, slowly moving out of fight or flight, I'm finally in a place where I/ we can heal. I know he's dealing with a lot of guilt and a lot of shame- and we are working on healing and coming together as a unit. That's a lot of work. I guess, the hardest part is realizing that his newfound sobriety and how that feels and plays out is almost more difficult to get support and understanding for as his drinking was and requires almost as much energy to support myself through.

I was so happy for the first 2 months or so but once the honeymoon phase of husband sobering up passed I was stuck with all the hurt and pain and suffering I had to go through. I felt like everything was all about him, even when he was drunk and even In sobriety I became angry and bitter. When was my time to grieve? Where was my apology? I was hurt so bad it took like 1 year for myself to get out of a deep depression. I couldn't sleep, shower, do daily tasks that most people could do. I was constantly tired I felt like shit. Right around the 1 year mark I started to understand that he was really sober and even if he screwed up I know I'd just leave this time. It took a long time for myself to heal. I'd say he is now on 2 years as of the end of this month and things are now ok. I'm not in fight or flight mode anymore, I have trust rebuilt that he truly wants sobriety and won't mess up. He even goes to his friends house who drinks beer and just brings a diet coke. He told me "no sense in running from alcohol as it is everywhere everyday I say no I grow stronger in sobriety" I still feel a ping of anxiety from time to time but at least I can function. Just understand that you have a lot of healing to do right now. He needs to have patience and understanding you have your own journey to recovery from the trauma an alcoholic can cause.

Thanks CeeCee4- I think that's what I'm the most afraid of- that this is the honeymoon period. So far, I'm not all that bitter or angry with him. I certainly got that way when he was drinking. I think for now it's like being out of survival mode and I just want to collapse I'm starting to do daily tasks again but, I am tired. In a twisted way- yeah, there's a need to grieve. Even though it was not a healthy life together- it's like a dynamic between us has died. I'm working on trusting him and am thankful to his program for really encouraging me to let go and let this be his process with my support. He goes to his friends who drink and brings a non-alcoholic beverage along. We had an open bar at our wedding- he didn't drink. I'm learning the importance of, like your husband said and like my husband and his program said, that there's no reason to pretend that alcohol doesn't exist- that's like wrapping my husband in bubble wrap, it's not going to help him. Thankfully, sober, he's pretty self-aware and keyed in- it's just not easy, and lonely, I don't understand the societal standard of, the addict walks out of rehab "They're cured! Everyone rejoice and get on with their lives" Umm, it's not like that... there's a lot of work after that too, even in the best of circumstances. We're doing great yes, that doesn't mean this is easy though.