This is how most of us probably feel. It seems like it's a 0.0000001% chance an alcoholic or an addict for that matter, actually kick the addiction on the first try. I think my husbands failed attempts are up to 6. But he has been sober now going on 14 months this time. First time was a few days, then a week here and there, maybe 4 weeks, once for 3 months but he might as well have been drinking (dry drunk), and now 14 months. Very frsutrating. It's like false hope. They keep you lured in. It hurts too everytime they go right back.

Thanks it's just so good to know I'm not on my own i feel I can't talk to my friends as they don't understand and I feel it just sounds I'm bad mouthing him that's why I'm glad I found this group at times he wants to work on it and other times he just doesn't want to give up - and we're only at the beginning of this I know it's a long road and there's going to b plenty of slip ups and I just have to keep going - it is just so frustrating dAt I seem more wanting this dan him - i have to hide it from his family as he gets really cross if he knows I've said anything to them for him at the minute if I tell someone he is an alcoholic he sees it as me being a bad mouthing him - it's gonna b a very long road cuz I still don't think he realised how serious is way he talks is he know he drank to much but he's not an alcoholic but after reading a lot of people's posts and describing their husbands I know he is cuz the could very easily be talking about mine - Been on this really helps me but also I kinda feel like I'm cheating on him by being it dAt prob sounds weird but it does help me and wen he doesn't want me to talk to anyone at home about it it's the closest thing I have to keeping me Saine

Yes one piece of advice I ave, don't talk to all your friends about his problem. Talk to an actual counsler or at alanon. I have lost a lot.of.my friends they would get mad I was still with him it has damaged my friendships. Talking with people who understand and can validate your feelings being married to an alcoholic is the best way to work through it and what better way then a group where they all are where you are!

Thank you CeeCee4 , I think that is true the reason I don't tell my friends is that exact reason I know they wud just all fall out with him , it's going to b a very long road and I feel we're only at beginning , yesterday he told me he wanted to split up just so he cud go on an all day n night binge !! And this morn was full of remorse , this group helps as the only people I have to talk to are my mother n sister but I don't like putting it on them my Husband hasn't even started AA he had been trying to "cut down" at home but it really isn't working at first it was but now it's not , I don't drive and the nearest al anon meeting would be driving distance he drives , so if I went he would have to drive and I know he would have a problem with me going esp since he won't go himself so all I really have is this group but I'm so glad that I have found this group and thank u so much for advice it's a nice comfort knowing other pple going thro it to

Why can't you go then? Maybe if he sees you seeking help and he will feel like he should try too. You need to take care of yourself. Al anon is a great way to focus on yourself and learn to move forward and how to cope.
And.your right this is a long road. Recovery isn't instant and it takes years for things to fall into place. Your hubby sounds like mine when he first started to realize he needed help

True I don't think he's completely aware of how much he needs help - he goes out says he won't drink but he always does - it happens once a week now - he is seeing the Doc on Friday first time in a month so I'm hoping she will suggest counselling to him I just hope he will b honest with her about his drinking cuz last time he wasn't completely honest so he admitted to me - he goes in by himself to the doctor

I would certainly suggest going in to see the doctor with him. Tell him it is both your problems and you need to be there to support him. They are pretty good at downplaying the problem on their own when they speak to the doctor. Let him know you need to understand what us going on to be there to support him. If he insists in going in alone, what is he hiding?

Atlantic you are 200% right and that's how I feel but he insists it's "his problem " but I try to explain how it effects the family to - he was prescribed tablets to help him quit and their have been quite a few days he hasn't taken them !! I find myself did u take yr tablets he's meant to take 4 a day and a lot of the time I find he only takes 2 he hasn't completely given up the alcohol either he still has 2 a day and last week Friday&Monday he went on binges I'm trying to insist on going to the Doctor but he is putting up an argument over it - I know he won't tell the doctor he not taking his tablets and dat he's still drinking not many pple know about him seeking help - only my parents and his brother he doesn't want his mother knowing - my mother asked him how did he find the tablets do they do anything he said he doesn't think so they don't do anything I felt like saying they would work if you actually took them but I held my tongue !! If he won't let me go in with him to the doctor I'm thinking of making an appointment separately to see that doctor he might also see that as a betrayal- I'm trying my best to help him but sometimes I don't think he's fully committed to it how do u really help someone who won't help themselves!! He is trying but it's only 70% of the time, I think he knows he drinks to much n sees he just has to quit he doesn't see how serious it is - Snd that's why he doesn't want people knowing cuz I guess dat would make it real for him and he knows that !! He said he was leaving me just so he could go on a binge if that's not someone who is an alcoholic I don't know what is of course the next day he was very apologetic but it def was red flag

He went on another bender - yesterday work finished early 4 pm he didn't come home till 9.30 also ignored my ph calls absolutely soo drunk couldn't stand he also had been drink driving I'm at end my rope here !! He has the Doctors on Friday and first he was ok with it but now it's all if u come I won't go so even tho I will be going behind his back I plan on ringing the Doctor and ask is she gonna suggest he goes to AA r something n let her know he's not been taking his tablets I feel deceitful doing dat but I know he is going to go into that doctor and lie and say he hasn't been drinking why else would he cause such a fuss of me going n he's going for help so I want to make sure he gets it even if he hates me in the process

He wants to still have control and it sounds like he isn't ready to quit. Tough situation. You have to do what's best for you. Try to go with him but know that if he doesn't sober up its not anything to do with you. He has an addiction, he has a oroblem, he is an alcoholic and until he really sees that, it's gonna be hard for him to sober up. My husband was such a high functioning alcoholic it took a really long time for him to see he needed help.

My husband said 2 months ago he needed help after a big binge that's wen he started to see a doctor, but I feel he's only going to keep me quiet - it's just so frustrating he does well den goes on a major binge - I heard they have to hit rock bottom b4 they realise they need help I just hope it's nothing to bad had to ha it's just so frustrating waiting on him to realise he has a problem- he doesn't want me talking to anyone about it and I think the real reason behind dat is dat he knows if other people know I.e his family that it makes it real for him , his mother now knows about his drink driving so there's no hiding it anymore - When he started to "quit " I was saying don't go to the pub don't bring drink home and I've realised that none of it works - he has to want to do it for himself he should be the one saying I won't go to the pub because it's to much temptation and I won't hide my cans of beer stuff like that so I just have to try and help but ultimately it's up to him - he needs to realise he hurts his family when he drinks it seems Mon- Friday he is gd well drinks non alcoholic drinks and most alcoholic drink would b 2 cans but then the weekend hits and he goes on a binge - I dread the weekend now it's very frustrating- I know he isn't drinking as much as he used to but the weekend binges r still there !! We have a 14 year old and a 4 month old and I hate thinking why can't they be enough for him to quit seriously n not just Mon-Friday I'm worried it might get worse b4 it gets better

This is always the case. And it sucks so hard that we have to wait for them to hit "rock bottom" to change or we have to leave. I'm still in denial a bit, because I have a three year old and I'm trying so hard to give her normalcy and he's just trying to get drunk and check'out. I've gone beyond giving a shit anymore which sucks. And I'm full of rage. I've been doing al anon groups online, you can find them on the official al anon website. I haven't done many but I plan on doing more because I need to find a way to cope so I can be the kind of parent I want to be. I'm just so damn lonely...

I feel the same a lot of pple say u have to wait for him to hit rock bottom but I'm like what's going to take if it's bad on weekends now do I just have to sit and wait until it gets worse ..I have 2 children 14&4 months old and I think for the sake of them I've been in denial for many years by saying oh he likes to drink but he hasn't a problem, but he does I think he knows he has s problem but won't admit it out loud he thinks all he needs to do is cut down not quit and breaking up with me for a day so he can go on the beer and I feel I can't turn to my friends and talk to them they will listen but they don't understand and they will just get annoyed every time it happens that I don't leave him !! So I end up just being lonely it's not fair to have a husband min-Friday and den at the weekend u get the full on hulk experience is wat I call it he went to the doctor today she told him he had to go for blood test (he didn't want me going in docs with him) and there's a waiting list so can't get it done till October and it's August now that's a very long time for me !!! I'm supposed to just sit n put up with all the binges till den !!!

Realistically, the person who has to make th move is you, want to know what my move was? It wasn't leaving, it was telling the doctor at the hospital (AH had been taken in an ambulance b cause he was drunk and got knocked out in town, I wasn't there) everything that happened over the past couple of weeks and the doctors finally agreed to keep him for 72 hours (he's a sereious danger to himself when he's drinking, like he's suicidal and he doesn't even remember when he's sober). Now he's holed up in a hospital and he's really upset about it and wants to come home but I said, listen I love you and obviously we want you here but we are scared, you ar a danger to yourself, you want to hurt yourself, and no one wants that to happen, so you take the help you can get, granted this for us has been after months of extremem binging and attempts, I'm "lucky" that as a sober man h e doesn't want this pain and wants to be with his family but still. An alcholic won't change and if they do it's usually because of something that has happened to THEM and not because they realize the error of their ways in regards to their family members, they are inherently selfish. Do you have to sit around waiting for him? Not really... you can live your life like he doesn't exist in it, make plans for e weekends that get you and the kids away from the house... if you find a counsellor or something maybe they can help you put an emergency plan in place that can get you out in the event of violence out all together. This is the hard part, the one that often falls to the woman because w are just so damn strong even when we don't realize it. You're strong and you will get through this, you need a lot of help and support. I sought out every avenue I could for me, all the while trying desparately to get him more help (because his alcoholism is driven by mental illness and I feel so much guilt st the thought of "abandoning" him to his isn devices, I'm sure he'd kill himself, he'd have nothing stopping him - codependent but what can I say can't have that on my concious), I just know it's not about ,asking threats or giving ultimatums, it's about setting boundaries for yourself and sticking to them - it's almost like raising a child... seriously! Check out the book codependent no more, it's a great read and it will help you a lot, at least it helped me a lot To see what I was doing and how it was making things worse for myself.

Thank you learning patience I definitely will check that book out it would be good also to see what I'm doing wrong it's probably a lot sorry to hear the hard time the sad thing is I feel that is where he is heading to - I feel each weekend he just pushes it a bit worse and he definitely can't drink like he used to - I never knew an alcoholic b4 I always taught that's was just someone with a bottle of vodka 24/7 and is violent and because my husband wasn't this sort of alcoholic&drinks only beer I was in denial that he had a problem- my mother said to me he needs help he's a alcoholic I remember saying no he's not he's not violent he just likes to drink I feel so stupid now I didn't spot it back then !!!"