Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
My husband and I are going to counseling sessions. I feel that the whole reason he wanted to set up the sessions was to have a way to justify why he was drinking and why he has turned to his female employee for"support". Every time we're in these sessions he makes claims of me never supporting him and never admits to the issues that he had a drinking problem and never wanted to accept responsibility for spending time with me and his children - both are reasons why I hadn't been as supportive of his many job changes, going out regularly with friends after work, getting a new car every 2 -3 years,etc.
He has recently admitted that he has a drinking problem and that he has now stopped the relationship with his employee because he has crossed the line on marriage and at work, but he continues to stay out late for "business" events where he is out until bar closing times. He is also doing late night texting when he isn't out drinking... Both of these actions were what he has been doing in the past with his employee which then indicates that he hasn't stopped the relationship with her.
A couple days ago, he said he was going to have a drink with one of his male friends and would be home around 8:00... I then got a text that he was watching a sports game at a bar and would be home after that. He didn't come back when he said he would and I ended up just going to bed...he obviously came home after bar closing times and the next morning when I went to narrow some cash from his wallet, there was a pass for free admission to a strip club... That night he continued to do texting at night, and not talk about the night before...
I've stopped asking him about these events because I learned that what he tells me is never the truth as the stories never make sense... Not sure what to do as the drinking and his relationship with his employee is continuing....
I'm so sorry. This sounds miserable for you. It doesn't sound to me like he's honoring your marriage vows.
I've heard that most therapists won't do marriage counseling while one partner is still active in their addiction. The reason is the addict/alcoholic can't be honest with themselves or others while active. Does your therapist have expertise in dealing with addiction? Can you see a counselor just yourself? I think a therapist for you, could be really beneficial, if you find one who specializes in families of addiction.
Your AH will lie to protect his drinking. It's part of alcoholism.
Back in the early days of my suspecting my H was an alcoholic, my AH used to tell me he had to go to these happy hours, "for business". I kind of believed him. I didn't want to think he'd lie or stretch the truth, like that. But as far as I can see, he never landed a job or found funding for the research center he was once working for (the research went defunct because they didn't have funding, so obviously, all those happy hour evenings didn't bring in any money for the research team). It was a lie he told himself (and me), so he could keep going to drinking events. I've known plenty of business men who come home after work and don't go to bars, and still keep their business alive and thriving.
The inappropriate relationship with his employee is a separate issue from his drinking. It's disrespectful to you and your marriage vows. That relationship plus the strip club are out of line. Both are so disrespectful of your marriage. You deserve better than this.
Take good care of yourself. Do you have alanon in your area? Alanon is for family of alcoholics, and is all about helping us make better choices for our own lives, and restore us to sanity.
Sending big hugs.
Big hugs to you too!