Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
I just don't feel like I can go on much more. My life is hell on earth. I may go a few days with peace, but it's always short lived. He came home tonight completely lit. I could tell by his face he was looking for an excuse to fight. It started with my son because he didn't turn his music down fast enough. Then his rage turned to me. He stormed out which was fine. He then attempted to withdraw a lot of money from his credit card and it was declined for exceeding the daily limit. He was too drunk to understand and called me screaming that he was reporting me to the police for credit card fraud insisting I somehow caused this. I told him to go ahead that they would laugh at him. Instead he kept calling me screaming and threatening me that if I didn't come give him $100 right that minute he was going to come home and smash everything. And I know he would. I finally had to give it to him to make him stop. I would even get over that but inevitably he will be back either for more money or more fighting. If he comes back screaming and cops come it will be so awful. In my state I am responsible for his legal fees and would have to pay for his lawyer if he gets arrested, we've been down that road before. I don't want to live this way and I can't leave. I just don't know how much more I can take before I just completely break. I don't even recognize myself anymore. I've cut out every one who means anything to me because they can see my misery on my face. His mom knows what he's like, but she's no help. She just says leave. If it were that simple I'd have done it years ago. I just want to go to sleep for the next year and stop having to deal with my life.
I've decided that at this point I need to not respond to his actions and focus on me... as he stopped thinking about me a while ago.... Stay strong, think about you and work on plans so you can make the right decision in this difficult time. Thinking about you. Big hugs
Thanks for listening. I hope you all have a quiet and sober day. It should not be too much to ask for.
I know you feel you can't leave. I feel stuck, too. But I am working on that with my therapist. I know lots of women have been in my very same position and they've managed to leave, so it must be possible for me to leave, too. I have to reach that point where leaving and sacrificing financial security is more important than hanging on. And I think that's what it boils down to, what's most important to us? A peaceful joy-filled life, where we let God take care of financial needs, or a life of pain and turmoil as we swirl around in our AH's cesspools of addiction. If our AH's don't get themselves well, there will come a point where we cannot do this any longer, and we have to get out.
You may not recognize who you are, now, but the real you is still in there. She is the one who had hope for the future. She is the one who loved and laughed and enjoyed life. She is the one who has had all of this strength to endure this unGodly relationship. She is the one who cares for other's pain. Your real you is still in there. It's just this situation which won't let her come out for more than a fraction of a second, before the AH squashes her back down. If you aren't ready for a counselor or al-anon, keep posting here, big and small stuff. It will help. But a counselor would help you see possibilities, even if you're not ready to leave yet. And just seeing the possibilities can give you strength, knowing there is an out.
I'm sending big hugs and prayers, as I type.