Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
I am having a difficult time with a family member not understanding alcoholism and how it destroys lives. My only cousin is 7 years younger than me and we grew up practically as brother and sister because our moms are so close. We are both only children. We've always been close but his total denial/lack of understanding about how horrible it was living with an active alcoholic is driving a major wedge in our relationship.
He has two girls ages 8 and 3. I have two boys ages 12 and 8. His ex-girlfriend/girls' mom is a drug addict. She was always a #itch, but started abusing prescription drugs early in their relationship and moved on to heroin. She has been in and out of jail, stolen from him and everyone in her family, even set up a fake burglary and sold all his guns, electronics, the girls Wii, etc. Trash is too kind of a word for her. And what she has put the girls through is horrific. Car wrecks while high, using their urine to pass pee tests, being passedout for hours at a time when they were home alone with her...Yes it was AWFUL. Yet he still continues to let her see them whenever she wants (he has custody now) and was even going to let her move back in with them. No one in our family gets it, they think he's nuts but I understand where he's coming from because I've dealt with the alcoholic version of this for 7 years. He wants to save her, he wants her to get better, he wants his girls to have a real mother in their lives, part of him still loves her. Been there, done that. But mostly thanks to Al Anon, I was able to let go and move on. I left my husband 9 months ago and even though we are not divorced yet I have no intention of getting back together with him.
My problem is that everytime I compare our situations he says something along the lines of 'Yeah, but alcohol is legal.' Or "I used to drink way more than Tim and one day I just quit so he can too.' or 'At least you don't have to worry about your kids playing with dirty needles'. I get it that his situation is WORSE but he just does not seem to understand that mine was REALLY bad too. He is soooo messed up from years of dealing with her and her drama but he would benefit so much from going to Al Anon with me but he thinks he is 'fine'.
How do I get past this? We have such a small family as it is, I would be devestated to lose him and the girls because of this, yet most of the time I don't even want to be near him because it is too frustrating hearing all the latest drama. But then I feel like a hippocrite because this was my pattern with AH for years. He'd do something outrageous, I'd complain but do nothing about it, things would settle down until the next incident. I've stepped off my own crazy train but I keep getting dragged back onto my cousins for the sake of the girls.
He has two girls ages 8 and 3. I have two boys ages 12 and 8. His ex-girlfriend/girls' mom is a drug addict. She was always a #itch, but started abusing prescription drugs early in their relationship and moved on to heroin. She has been in and out of jail, stolen from him and everyone in her family, even set up a fake burglary and sold all his guns, electronics, the girls Wii, etc. Trash is too kind of a word for her. And what she has put the girls through is horrific. Car wrecks while high, using their urine to pass pee tests, being passedout for hours at a time when they were home alone with her...Yes it was AWFUL. Yet he still continues to let her see them whenever she wants (he has custody now) and was even going to let her move back in with them. No one in our family gets it, they think he's nuts but I understand where he's coming from because I've dealt with the alcoholic version of this for 7 years. He wants to save her, he wants her to get better, he wants his girls to have a real mother in their lives, part of him still loves her. Been there, done that. But mostly thanks to Al Anon, I was able to let go and move on. I left my husband 9 months ago and even though we are not divorced yet I have no intention of getting back together with him.
My problem is that everytime I compare our situations he says something along the lines of 'Yeah, but alcohol is legal.' Or "I used to drink way more than Tim and one day I just quit so he can too.' or 'At least you don't have to worry about your kids playing with dirty needles'. I get it that his situation is WORSE but he just does not seem to understand that mine was REALLY bad too. He is soooo messed up from years of dealing with her and her drama but he would benefit so much from going to Al Anon with me but he thinks he is 'fine'.
How do I get past this? We have such a small family as it is, I would be devestated to lose him and the girls because of this, yet most of the time I don't even want to be near him because it is too frustrating hearing all the latest drama. But then I feel like a hippocrite because this was my pattern with AH for years. He'd do something outrageous, I'd complain but do nothing about it, things would settle down until the next incident. I've stepped off my own crazy train but I keep getting dragged back onto my cousins for the sake of the girls.
Hugs,
Ross