Oh no! Sorry you are having a tough time when you wrote this and hoping that you feel better a few days later.

We did the right thing. Getting the hell away from them is the only option. I'm so sorry that you love(d) him so darn much. Please focus on you and do some YOU things in 2014.

:) The holiday blues will pass. Feel yucky feelings and next time it will be easier. I promise. Glad you are not focusing on ex in order to get rid of those feelings.

Thanks bean. It's good to see you again. Yeah it's the holiday blues and I know that. On the good side I did sell the marital home and bought my own townhouse about the time you did and LOVE it. Happy holidays

Yeah! I can happily say I am officially an ex wife! It was the best thing I ever could have done for myself.
I can't believe how low I was when I look back at my journal entries. There were times when I was sure I couldn't be on my own. Living in that world sucks everything out of you . I lost my ability to believe in my choices and opinions. Frankly, I lost sight of who I was.
I am so happy there were people pushing me to divorce him, other wise if I waited till I was ready on my own I may never have done it. I now can see he really didn't want me as much as he wanted to drink, and nothing I could have said or done could have changed that.
With that being said....I had a few hours of tears this Christmas. I cried over the loss of a man who no longer exists. I have decided in my case and perhaps others, the man I married is gone, in his shell is someone I no longer know. I cry for the man I lost.
I have cut all ties from him and I know what my limits are. I will not see him or talk to him. I have left the anger and resentment aside, it does rear its ugly head occasionally . When that happens I find someone to talk it through with and let it go. Holding on to that only causes pain, and haven't we all had enough of that!
I also want to comment on the number of women now associated with this sight, it has doubled since I first logged on. I hope you all can find some comfort in our presence. My words of wisdom are, Please do not underestimate your power. You are able to do far more than you may believe. Trust your gut, and most importantly, find help. You need to be strong for you. Hold your head high stand your ground. You can do it!

Lori47...Hope you made it through Christmas ok. I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time. I wish I could give you a hug for real. May 2014 bring you peace and joy.

pammn...Thanks for your words of wisdom. I'm not yet an ex-wife, but will be soon. I struggle with trusting myself to make good decisions because I made so many lousy ones in the past (mainly stayingwith an alcoholic for far too long). Actually I may make a seperate post about that...I just wanted to let you know I appreciated the pep talk!

Actually did good. Back to feeling positive about it. Like pammn says the man I married and mourn for no longer exists. A stranger is in his place and this stranger isn't the kind of man I would want. Drunks turn me off. Just hard at times to accept my ex will never be nothing but drunk

I too had a hard Christmas. The almost ex spent Christmas at the OW home 3 states away meeting her parents. Yeah, my three kids knew. My biggest struggle is the kids. He has pushed for every other week with my 13 year old son and included my son in the discussion as well as my two older daughters. He has my son three weekends a month. This "man" had an affair at the school where he was the principal with the counselor and it is the school my son attends. He brought the whole school into the "situation" including telling many of the teachers how emotionally abusive I am. He included my son in his visits with this counsleor and made my daughters have dinner with her if they wanted to see him. My daughetrs are a senior in high school and a junior in college. He was removed from that school but the counselor is still there and so is my son. This is a small town and I also work in the school system so everybody knows what is going on by now. My son is understandable very angry. The ex has convinced many people that I am using my son to get even by not having shared custody. I thouroughly believe it is not the best. Not only is he an alcoholic, he is bipolar and refuses to acknowledge any of the issues. In his mind he is "standing up for himself." On our anniversary in June he informed me he was getting a place for himself and would no longer pay the mortgage. The home is now up for short sale. My son has said "why the hell should dad have to pay for a place where he isn't living"
From last Feb when he moved out until last summer he had minimal contact with the girls and perhaps 2 days every other week with my son. He attended about half of his baseball games because he joined his own softball team and had to play and then go drinking with them. And the softball team was staff members from his school where he was the principal!
In september the court ruled that I had custody of my son and the ex had him three weekends a month. I have received three child support checks since the day he left. The last 2 were late and short money. Now he is finding "deductions" for the checks. He got us way into debt, but is now responsible for the majority of the debt. He has had several bills sent to collections and there may be more on the way. He didn't change his address on most of the bills so they come to the house. I gather them up and ship them off to him about once a week.
I locked him out of my bank accounts and credit cards. I have one card that I will clean up with some help from some inheritance money. All of my bills are up to date.
It seems like he has my daughters convinced that I am the one who is being mean and bitter. He has dinners with them and puts on the charm. My son is very angry and he has the girls convinced it is because my son isn't with him half time. The other day my son and daughter got into it. He punched her in the arm. She had been pushing him and pushing him with demands. He shouldn't have hit her. She shouldn't have turned off his x box in the middle of his game. Then she tells her dad all about it and how mean and angry my son is. So I get an email from the ex asking to meet so that we can talk about my son being with him half time because he knows that is the reason my son is angry. He says we can meet in a public location so that I can be civil to him. He will be able to straighten things out with my son and get him to behave better. He will also be able to get him to do his work at school and not be so angry at school. I forwarded the email to my lawyer and declined the meeting and said my sons counselor will work with him on the anger issues and that my son has alot to be angry about.
I am frustrated that he is bringing the children into this and that he is bringing other people into it by encouraginf them to talk to me about the custody. I know it is the right thing for me to have custody and the courts have made their ruling. I'm so tired of it still being an issue and I am SO tired of the ex continually bringing it up and involving the kids. It makes it hard to move on. My 2 daughters are free to come and go as they wish, and the NEVER stay at his place. They will go for dinner but alwasy come home. The oldest will go back to college in a week. It seems like she has forgotten all the broken promises, horrible things he said to her about wasting his money on her tuition. They are both aware of the affair and were really angry and disgusted at first but now will spend time with him. He used to be a good person and a good dad. He spent the last 9 months telling me how I made him feel unloved and worthless. How I wasn't able to prove my love to him. How I made it so he could never stick up for himself. How I was so controlling and demanding and always had to have it my way. How I was the biggest mistake he ever made. He was in control of the money but got us way into debt but that was my fault because he could never say no to me even though I didn't ask for much. He bought extravagant presents and was angry when I didn't but I worried about the money.
We did quit having sex and he said it was because I was frigid and I believed him. Now I realize it was because there was no emotional intimacy. We could never have deep discussions because he wouldn't share, just shut down or take all the blame and then be passive aggressive about it. Then either have a pity party about how bad he feels or blame me for being difficult.
I have no desire to have any kind of interaction with him what so ever and I am finding myself again and feeling good about myself. I am frustrated that he keeps bringing in the kids and trying to convinve them that I was so horrible and he had no choice and that he is the real hero who was mistreated all these years. He turns on the charm and the sympathy with them. I wish they knew all that had gone on but they don't and I don't tell them. I just try very hard to loving and supportive and keep healing myselff. I feel so down today and I am so tired of it all. I want him to go away or hit rock bottom or have something happen that will open other peoples eyes. I'm tired of being the bad guy. I'm tired of fighting to get myself back. I'm tired of fighting for child support. I'm tired of the kids anger. I'm tired of it all. I'm tired of being blamed. for everything. I just want to move on. After months of ignoring the kids he is now making nice and they are believing it. And I'm tired. And hurt and frustrated and sick of it all. All this happened 2 months after my dads sudden death and having to put my mom into a care center. I do have a counselor and I have made alot of progress. But I want him to leave the kids out of it. Honor the courts rulinggs, pay the child support and get his act together or hit rock bottom and just go away.

If they only know how much they are hurting us with their actions

Unfortunately, alcoholic or not, there are MANY parents who use their kids in the way you describe your husband doing. I work in the court system and have seen many couples who are still duking it out years later, one spouse being drug back into court by the other, and then all the stories of kid manipulation come out. There are just some people who don't have a clue about honoring other people's boundaries and who feel the kids are their "property."