Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
Just when I thought maybe there was light at the end of the tunnel, had another terrible night with my AH. The argument was around a news story we had seen almost a year ago about a former neighbor of ours who had struggled with an addiction issue and over came that. I had forgotten about that news story and my AH took offense stating that not remembering this story was basically an example of my not being concerned about his issues because at the time the story aired, we had discussed his addiction issue with drinking. I had apologized for now remembering that story and tried to explain that forgetting doesn't mean that I am not concerned about issue and that I do care and support him in trying to address the issue. He then continue to say that during the 23 years we've been married I have never supported him, and that even though we are seeing a marriage counselor, I 'm still not supporting him during the toughest times when he over drinks and stays out past bar closing and sometimes doesn't come home. The argument was going to the point where I was admitting to his accusations and he was then saying that he doesn't know whether he loved me anymore, that he is realizing that there are omen out there that an support him and that he can't deal with me anymore.
I just don't know what to do anymore. My AH is a very influential person and I don't want it to be where he totally discredits me if we do separate making it look like I was an "abuser" during the 23 years of marriage ...everything is always made to look like everything is my fault and that he was foolish to stay married to me as he didn't realize that I was at fault until now...
If I forget to ... pick anything you want here..... or don't immediately do something that he asks.... or ..... he states that it is a sign that I don't care/love/support him. Also my ideas are stupid, then a few days later when they become his, oh what a brilliant idea. I can't do anything right, I am constantly screwing things up, I don't listen to him, I don't take his advice, etc...
Some days I just feel like screaming "Your F----ing AH, I Hate you" and walking out the door. Do I? No,
I just suck it up and say "Yes Dear" and ignore him. I am passive aggressive this way. I basically ignore him and what he says, which sometime sdoes not help the situation but keeps me sane-ish.
No matter what happens, don't let what you think other may think about you bother you. People how really know you know the truth of the situation and know your worth. Anyone else, well they don't really matter.
Big Hug.
My take is this -- your AH is sensing you gaining a voice/independence/in some way moving away from same old/same old. So he's using guilt trips to regain his control over you. And he's blame-shifting so he doesn't have to accept responsibility for HIS choices.
When I worry about what everyone else will think, if I leave my marriage (my AH has snowed everyone we know -- "he's such a great guy" I hear all the time, "no, he's not", I want to scream) -- bt when I'm worried about being slandered to family and friends this is what I say/pray in my head over and over: "Vindicate me, O God. and plead my cause against an ungodly nation. Rescue me from deceitful and wicked men." Psalm 43: 1 In the end,the truth will win out.
One of the things that we have to be aware of is the A spends all of their energy and time protecting their drinking, and their "right" to drink. That may include portraying their spouse as the bad guy. We can waste our time trying to refute these allegations, dispel the image of us being the crazy ones in others' eyes, or we can just go on living our own lives and ignore what we think others will think of us. It's a painful thought, to think that some people who really should have been supporting me all these years, may think that I'm an angry, unforgiving person, who drove my AH to drink. I include my own step-mom and siblings, in those people my husband has snowed. But, if I'm to be my best person and continue to be the best mother to my kids, I may have to put up with others thinking wrong things about me.
You hold your head high. You have worked to help him and his issues. Where is his support of you getting healing from his disease? It's always about how we don't support them, but when did they ever support our healing? Who as supporting you when he was out at bar closing and you didn't know if he was dead in a ditch, with another woman, or so drunk he was convulsing?
And him finding all of these women who will gladly give him the support he wants -- he's blowing hot air. Any sane, rational woman will run for the hills after a couple of nights with his drinking. Most A's are hard to get rid of. They cling to the familiar because it means they know they can keep on drinking.
I had a panic moment, myself about a year and a half ago. I heard my AH was planning on leaving me after the first of the year. I panicked and started thinking, "oh no, what can I do to keep him?" Now I think, "if only he'd been serious then. He'd be out of my life by now." I think I was/am just as addicted to him as he is to the bottle. It's hard to give up the familiar.
Sending you big hugs. You deserve to be treated kindly. Have you given more thought to counseling for just yourself? In any case, keep coming here to vent and get support. We all understand each other.
Saying prayers for you.
I know it's really hard to not worry what they can make others think of us. I've resorted to secretly recording AH when he's on s rant. Probably would never use it, but nice to know I have proof. Hang in there. This was one of the bad days, but after 23 years you know they won't all be this way.
Do something nice for yourself. Enjoy the peace and quiet. And enjoy the peaceful times with your kids.
I get through by working on detachment. Sigh.......