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jennybobenny 06/09/2015

I've noticed most of my posts are permission to feel or act in a certain way, so why should this one be any different? LOL

My boyfriend and I had a conversation last night where we both cried. He knows me evicting him is imminent. He knows I've given him a years worth of chances to stop drinking and get help for depression and anxiety. He acknowledged how I must've felt being pregnant for the first time while he drank. And this seemed like the most sincere time where he actually wanted to get help from a church 12-step I found yesterday.

But there's a "but" in all this...

But, I don't believe him. And I don't think I care anymore what his outcome is. I think he hasn't felt the full brunt of what his drinking has done. And I feel like I need to justify my decision to kick him out. My biggest problem with having the guts to file the eviction lawsuit is "he wasn't a fall-down-in-the-gutter drunk, so I should give him more time to get on his feet and get a job and an apartment."

So here's where I'm asking for your opinions, support and honestly - permission. I want to kick him out because I just don't want to be with him anymore. Irrespective of his drinking, I just don't like him and don't want to marry him and don't want to be with him. I feel like as a woman who's been with a couple addicts, that I need to leave because the addiction got so bad. But in this case, I want to give myself permission to leave because I want to be with someone else. Am I making sense? The reason to leave him is not his drinking, it's my prerogative to say "we just weren't compatible and he's not the person I want to spend the rest of my life with."

For some reason, rejecting him "without a good reason" hurts my heart and makes me feel sorry for him.

bensmom85 06/09/2015

I'll give you my permission to evict him with any reason you choose, if that is helpful. From your account, he has been given the time to seek help, been supported in many ways (your love, affection, probably lots of other things) and he has not responded in an effective or timely way. Done and out!

Yes, I'm sure he has regrets and now claims to "understand" but based on your astute understanding of his addiction, these "understandings" are unlikely to translate into action or change. I hope he seeks help for himself and can get to a better place. But you don't have to be there while he's doing it.

I think you realize that you and your family will be better off living a separate life without his drama. You've effectively been alone most of the time, carrying the burden of life and child alone, so now you are ready to go it alone. You have many "good reasons" and the main one is you that you deserve better. That's enough. He isn't ready for a committed relationship with the requirements it has of responsibility and truth and supporting someone else- caring for them above himself. From your description, he has done none of those things and you are ready to move on with your life as an adult.

Good for you! Go for it!

Hugs!

ExJerseyGirl2 06/09/2015

You also have my permission and my blessing.

Leave him. And do it knowing in your heart that it might be difficult, but it is the right thing to do. It's okay to feel sorry for him, but don't let that get in the way of going through with the break-up and eviction. He'll get over it whether he quits drinking or not.

keatamax 06/11/2015

Jenny, you're not "rejecting him without a good reason" - you list numerous excellent reasons! #1 being the well being of your child. Sadly, the type of situation you describe rarely gets better. You're doing the right thing. Protect your child from the heartache and confusion of being exposed to alcoholic behavior in his most formative years. Stay strong!

angrylittleasiangirl 06/13/2015

I give you permission. My husband and I should be celebrating our 2nd Anniversary soon, however of the 3 years we've been together, he hasn't held a job for more than 3 months, he's a binge drinker, goes through a large bottle of Vodka a day, then stops cold turkey, goes through the dt's, feels guilty, becomes the loving man I fell in love with, and then for some reason which I can't fathom he starts drinking again. In my case I had to move out because his parents the big enabler's bought the townhouse where we lived so he has no bills. He used my paycheck to pay for our living expenses, and quilted me in justifying why. Last year right before Thanksgiving, after numerous verbal and physical drunken abuse, I had him arrested. BUT, I took him back 3 times. The final straw was in April, when he's not supposed to be drinking because he plead guilty for the battery and is on probation, he drank, and kicked me. I ran, and I haven't gone back. I feel sorry for him because he says he's lost without me. But, sometimes you have to just let go.

CeeCee4 06/13/2015

Kick his ass out. if you dont you are enabling his behavior! So I say kick his ass out. They always just ask for a little but that little bit has a huge hidden piece of stressful bullshit tied to it. Everytime my husband has screwed up I get closer and closer to kicking him out and he knows it. If I did not need him finanically I would have just left already, I am just waiting till I am done with school.
Take care of yourself, and he has made his own bed and he has to lay in it to feel the concequences of his irresponsible actions. My husband isnt a fall down drunk, in fact, he is a high functioning alcoholic which is even worse because they feel that everything is still fine so why quit? Makes sobrity harder to do.

jennybobenny 06/16/2015

Thanks everyone. Your encouragement helped me pull the trigger today. I filed the eviction lawsuit with my attorney. He's going to be served by a formal process server any day now. I'm apprehensive about the backlash, but it has to be done. It won't be this hard for forever, unless I let him stay, and then it will only get worse. CeeCee, loved how you said "they just ask for a little but that little bit has a huge hidden piece of stressful bullshit tied to it." Not only did that make me laugh, but it gave me the strength to not give in to his requests. He said "please give me 30 days" which then turned into 90 days and before you know it, he'd never be gone. I also offered to give him $3500 to help with moving expenses, and then he asked for $10K!!!! Can you believe the audacity of that request?? He's surely lost his mind to alcohol and denial and delusions.

I've already given him $550 this week for expenses, and I bet you know what has happened...he didn't use the money to pay for things he needed (like registration for his motorcycle) and has been passed out drunk for the past 36 hours.

By the way, he's also threatening to abandon our son. Said he wants his last name removed from his birth certificate and to give up his paternal rights. I'm like "Wow! This is who I chose to make a baby with?" And when I told him not to take it out on an innocent baby his response was, "F*ck him!" Thanks alcoholic for making it easy(er) to kick you out of my life.

naiveanddeceived 06/16/2015

Jenny - congrats on making a very tough and brave decision. God bless you and your son.

Ginny03 06/17/2015

Jenny, you are doing the right thing for you and your son. Even though he may be an alcoholic and that it is a disease, there is no excuse for his behavior. He said these cruel things in a fit of anger as a manipulation technique to try to convince you to give him what he wants, be wary that he may retract what he said about giving up his paternal rights. If I was in this situation - I would get it in writing as quick as possible!

Hugs!

nannette-fultonovich 06/20/2015

Good for you. You had to do it now, and in the long run that will be the best for him as well as (more importantly) for you.
Big hug.

jennybobenny 06/20/2015

Thank you everyone. He's been served the papers and he's furious. I can't wait until he's out of my house. He's like a rain cloud bringing everyone down, and I simultaneously feel so sad for him. And my son. It breaks my heart.

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