Wives of Alcoholics Community Group

A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.

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hosea77 05/23/2016

I came home from work on Saturday at 5 to a dunk husband of course. I was already expecting it. I've had a long week dealing with his drunkenness every single day. The kids went to the park and he said to me what if I told you you are so hot, I want to pleasure you? I wanted to roll my eyes and say what if I told you that you are such an ass, that's the last thing I need right now. And what if I told him, he wants nothing to do with me unless it's in bed? He doesn't want to hear anything I have to say to the point where I can't talk to him about anything anymore. If I start talking he will go to bathroom or even flat out tell me he doesn't care. We can't talk about politics or news or family or nothing.he's always making me feel as if I'm stupid all the time and I think he's jealous of my work success. He doesn't want me to be successful or happy or excited about anything. But I told him I would meet him in the bedroom. When he got there, he says this feels weird and I ask why? He says there's no way you want to do this and I answer what makes you think that? Even though I want to cry and scream to just get it over with. I'm sure he expected me to say no and then he would be angry all night telling me he never gets any and we've had this fight so many times, I lost count. I can't talk to him about my feelings because he always turns it around on me or he ignores me for days afterwards. I'm so angry at everything he does and try to hold it all in and I'm seriously sick and depressed. He's drinking 18 tall beers a day at least. He's short tempered with the kids and I get scared. He thinks it's perfectly fine to have our 6 yr. Old daughter hold wood while he cuts it with a skillsaw While drunk until I convince her to go to the mall with my other daughter and I. He tried to get her to stay with him instead and cry no one ever helps him. He wants all the attention all the time and we have 3 kids I'd rather be paying attention to. Anyway that's my rant for the day. I try to post but my mind is so jumbled all time and I never have enough time to even think straight. I've been reading about narcissist this week and thinking that must be part of the problem. It's was eye opening and now I'm just trying to not let him do this to me. I'm feeling very bad and confused and like a different person from one day to next....like the bittersweet symphony song. Anyway, I'm going to try and have a good day no matter his behavior. Thanks for reading.

elisedone 05/23/2016

We really must all be married to the same man!!! Not to laugh but many similarities. Scary.
Take care. Just wanted you to know I've been there.

keatamax 05/23/2016

Would you even miss him if he wasn't there? I have found my answer is "no". My AH had to move out (motion to vacate) due to his repeated drunkenness which was a toxic and unsafe environment for our kids. BEST thing I ever did. What a huge change in the feel of the house - peaceful, quiet, zero stress level. Didn't have to think twice when my daughter asked to have friends sleep over. I always hesitated wondering how drunk he might be, would he embarrass us, and was uneasy the whole time. NOT ANYMORE! I had stressed over the divorce process, but I know now that it was absolutely the right move for the kids and I.

lauriegardner 05/24/2016

Sounds exactly like mine!. I never knew about this website for support until AFTER he died....but it still really helps me. I learned about gaslighting in here. No wonder I'm always 2nd guessing myself. I have ptsd...mine would turn into someone who didn't hear me anyway, I'd get so tired of fighting him off, trying to keep him from forcing me and pulling my clothes off....I'd just give up. He wouldn't ever hear me (like he was completely in some other world) even when it was hurting really bad, he wouldn't stop...until he was done. I really hate alcohol. I never use the word or feel it , but I do about alcohol. I still feel confused about what to think now. I grieved really hard for the real him when he died in January. I'm totally not able to know I'd he was a good man who did bad things when drunk, or a bad man who did good things when sober. Anyway, Hosea...it's just pure insanity and hell! I was so burdened with the insanity, I don't think I was able to rationally do what it took to get me and my daughters away as soon as I should have...I don't think I realized at the time how much it affected them. I prayed for you and your children.

hosea77 05/24/2016

Laurie, thank you for the prayers. I appreciate that so much. There has been one time where he literally did not listen to me and did his deed while I was crying. That was years ago. I felt like I wanted to cry the other night too...I've read about gaslighting and I feel like he's doing this to me but I guess I'm too gaslit to fully believe it..I know his behavior affects my kids. They tell me it was better when their dad was on probation and not drinking. They think he's annoying and mean. I was glad when he went to jail those 3 weekends. Even though he was sober, I was happy for a break from him to just be with the kids alone. I don't think I would miss him if he was gone. I must say, he does a lot of chores around the house like dishes, laundry, a lot of cooking and some cleaning. Although he's always drinking while he's doing these things. He also makes the kids lunches in the morning before he goes to work. He doesn't have to do that and sometimes I think he does these things to make himself look good and Me look bad. Some people are under the impression that he's so great. We have a guy friend staying with us....and he always thought so highly of my AH until he started seeing how he acts when he's drinking again. He sees now how it really is but because my AH does so much around the house, that's what makes us think he's so good....ugghhhh. I feel like we are competing sometimes. The one night I said I would make the lunches in the morning, he pointed to me and said good luck with that and went right to bed. That was irritating. And then he touches me while I'm sleeping and I'm slapping him in my sleep. It's happened a couple times lately and I'm getting more angry each time. The last time, I slapped his hand about 3 or 4 times. well, I have to get ready for work now. And I'm going to have a good day hopefully.

hosea77 05/24/2016

Keatamax, I can relate about the sleepovers. Worried because he's passed out on the couch and everyone has to tiptoe and can't even use our living room. About a week ago, my son and I were laughing at him because he fell asleep on the couch with his head flopped over on an end table. This time I tried to wake him up and get him to go to bed but he wouldn't get up. Since were laughing, he told my son to stop being an asshole....

lauriegardner 05/24/2016

It is so hard to see clearly when you're in the middle of a situation. I just personally believe that alcohol is worse than ANY other addiction. I'm glad you came to this site, because people who've never experienced living with this aren't able to understand what happens.

jms7229 05/24/2016

Ugh the drunken sex. I HATE it. Plus my man has had six back surgeries ( complete with ongoing pain medications) and a slew of other health issues...... The sex became so stressful because, well, you know......
Lol his equipment just does not work any more. I heard a woman call it Whiskey Dick, like its a syndrome or something. I also get the accusations about never giving him sex. I no longer feel guilty or anything. I just cannot make myself go through that seemingly endless torture.
My husband is retired (disability) and is now the househusband, he cooks and food shops and cleans ( kind of) to take those chores " out of my Lap" . Really? Does he think he is doing me a drunken favor? Used to be I had three full time jobs, the house , the kids and my work. He just went to work, came home and drank himself to sleep. Now since he is home he is HELPING me? Well thank you so much mr whiskey dick.
Sadly I don't think I would miss him too much if he was gone. I feel like I have been grieving the loss of who he used to be and who he could have become for many years already.
I'm working very hard at this whole detachment thing. I crack myself up because I feel like I keep a kiddie star reward chart in my head. Each day I manage to not react, or take the bait, or successfully remind myself that his choices are none of my responsibility. Each good day I HAVE ( not him) I get a star or two. After about ten stars I think I should get a treat! Like a long weekend in Bermuda or something.

hosea77 05/26/2016

Laurie, yes it is hard to see clearly in this situation. Every day it's chaos. I'm just trying to live my life and be there for the kids but he's always getting everyone riled up. He doesn't care about anyone but himself. Yesterday was our day off and he was drunk by 10 a.m. and his friend took him to the store for another 18 pk. By 11 a.m. I went to lunch with a friend, which was amazing and I never do. I did not want to sit there listening to his drunk conversation all afternoon. jms, I like your idea of rewarding yourself and thinking I should do that too. I get a point for leaving his drunk ass at home and doing something for myself. I also try to detach as much as I can by not taking the bait and reacting. It's not right that we should work so hard at this making ourselves sick by swallowing this poison. I have tried telling him I can't stand his drinking but he will never stop. I can't tell him anymore. I have to just pretend I'm not affected? It's painful every day.

hosea77 05/26/2016

By the way, whiskey dick is mentioned in Pink's song, blow me one last kiss. I love that song. It's very empowering. I've also been listening to Madonna's song human nature. The lyrics are exactly what we're going through in both these songs. Take a listen and let me know what you think.

jms7229 05/26/2016

Thanks I'm going to listen to those songs now....
I have some thoughts on your pretending not to be affected. Trying to pretend makes me so.pissed.off! It makes me feel like a trained circus animal. In my recent readings on codependency it says that in the beginning we need to pretend, this not only trains us in how to switch our attention from the addicted ones behaviors to our own ( so in essence we choose positivity) a fake it till you make it thing. BUT it also diffuses the response our husbands come to expect. So if we refuse to engage in the game they have no one to play with. I have tried this, my husband upped the ante a bit at first, because like a spoiled child..... even negative attention is attention , and he likes to make me the bad guy. But I am noticing he is acting just a bit nicer. If I am irritated by his behavior I walk away with a FAKE smile. But he will eventually get the message. ( or not )
Good luck I'm going to listen to some music now........

jms7229 05/26/2016

Ok I love the songs... Especially pink . Her.
What struck me the most was that I felt validated. And not creepy and alone.

hosea77 05/26/2016

So, today before work, I blew up at him for passing out on the couch all the time and hogging the bed, passing out with his had on the end table and even told him I don't want to have sex with him while he's drunk. I barely even felt guilty which I normally do.. So he went with me to our kids spring fling and tried to be nice. But he had a few beers before we went and an 18 pk. Waiting at home. Is this what you mean by not pretending? I don't know what to do anymore...

hosea77 05/26/2016

I'm glad u like the song jms

jms7229 05/28/2016

Hosea.... These two books really helped me. Maybe not my husband ,but me. Women Who Love Too Mucn (skip the first half.) and Beyond Addiction : how Science and Kindness Help People ChAnge.
The first book is amazing in the permission and validating us !!! The second book is interesting, not sure I agree with it all but the communication techniques and examples are great!
I don't like having these books around the house , so I put kindle in my phone and read them there.

yw249 05/28/2016

You are not alone. My AH has been drinking beer all day long. He just informed me that he bought a pack of 12 condoms and that we were going to use them all tomorrow. He was serious (but there's no way HE can) Makes me want to cry. First, I'm perimenopausal, and I'm supposed to start my period any day now (maybe) and I have cramps. Not to mention that I have a colonoscopy scheduled for Wednesday. Yeah, right, I feel like putting my body through sex with a drunk man while I need to start prepping for that fun. AND to top it off my elderly stepfather is in the hospital and I need to go be my mother. If I leave, he will make the kids life miserable, if I take them with me, he will go through the house going through everybody's drawers and closets. Isn't that weird? If I told him I was about to start etc., he will get mad and make everyone's life hell. I don't want him touching me no matter what as it is. I know it sounds mean. But I just can't stand the thought of it. He treats me like crap and yet I'm supposed to feel loving toward him? Hang in there, like I said, you are not alone. I'd like to sue Budweiser for aiding and abetting this monster.

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