You AH is a jerk and you are a gift. Taking your life is not the answer. If you are serious about hurting yourself please call a crisis line (usually in front of phone books) or go to the hospital. You need to find yourself again and reconnect with others. You can't do this alone. None of us can. Alcoholics have no conscience, are self centred and frankly you deserve a lot better. I find when I am desperate I pray, I reach out (like this site, or meetings), I see a counsellor (and I am one). Stop focussing on him please and turn all of your attention to finding yourself again. We loose who we are in this crazy chaotic, sick, alcoholic life. We literally become sick and depressed ourselves. I would be sad if you died, I would be sad if you allowed a jerk for one more moment make you feel this way. Please reach out, get some help, make a plan to escape the hell. They lie, lie, lie and life can be so much better without him. Anyone he ends up with will be in the same hell as you. Break free Bloomy you can do it, with the help of others, and the strength you do have. Anyone who can live with an alcoholic has incredible strength and staying power. I'll say a prayer for you. Hugs.

Thank you for your support Iamdonetoday. Needed those encouraging words. I just feel so numb. Say some extra prayers for me tonight, I can't stop the tears....

Bloomy I'm so sorry you. Are being put through this. I think we all relate. I'm sure there are more than just your kids who would be devastated without you, but they were reason enough to pick up and move on. The light of day changes our perspective sometimes. He is the one who likely would not be missed. I can hear your big heart in your words. I can also hear your strength. Sometimes we need to dig deep for that strength, but it's there. I'm saying prayers for you and sending a big hug. Seems we both had an awful night.

Oh Bloomy, I am so sorry.I understand how you are feeling. I've felt the same at times. Talking with your counselor will be good. I know that there are many more people in your life who will be sad if you are not here. You sound like a kind, compassionate person. You have so much to offer to the rest of the world.
Your AH and his problems are wearing you down. But they are his problems. You can make a life for yourself that isn't contingent on whether he's treating you right or not. Your kids need you now more than ever. You are their one guiding human force in life. Your AH is neglecting his family, by neglecting you. In a Christian family, husbands are supposed to be the spiritual head. If your husband is even in just an emotional affair with this employee, he is not performing his role as spiritual head. He cannot do both -- cheat and be a Christian family man. So, you must be the spiritual head in this family. It's hard, but its the truth of your situation. You must dig deep and find the strength to lead those children. Lead them with your own recovery from codependence. Lead them by showing them what is acceptable behavior in others to tolerate and what is not. Lead them with the joy and love that is being squelched in you, by your AH's bad behavior. Ignore the AH, and find your own path in this life.
Give those kids a great big hug. Most days, hugs from my kids are the only hugs I get. I try to make sure that I hug them every single day. I need the hugs, but also, their life is in flux, too, not knowing if their family will remain as its is, if things will change for the worse or if things will change for the better. I can see that my kids need me now more than they ever had before. because I am it.
But I am also working on rebuilding my network of friends. I am calling up and emailing, those friends I've had from the past. It takes a little while to reconnect, but it is happening. And some friends just don't want to be around me and my problems, because it is too hard for them. But that is okay. The 2 friends that I can now count on, are there. And I have my therapist, and most important I have our Savior. My life has been pretty lonely, and I understand how you are feeling. It is good that you are reaching out here. Keep reaching out. There is so much more goodness in your future. It won't always feel this painful. Someday, these times will be faint memories and not cause you the pain that they do now. Someday, your days will be filled with joy and love, not tears and sadness. Keep the hope alive. "Faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we do not see".
Sending hugs and prayers.

Still thinking about you, remember to focus on you, not him. Every time you think of him, tell yourself you deserve a better life. Now is the time to be your own best friend. Remember the serenity prayer: God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.