Lord ain't that the truth! I think AH's truly feel inferior on the inside, they know they are being destructive. And if they can find someone else to blame there's nothing they love more! One particularly drunken night, my AH sat at the dining room table telling me everything that had ever went wrong in his life is because of me. He went into great detail too on the most ridiculous things. When he finished. I just calmly looked at him and said "I must be the most powerful woman in the world to have caused all of that." He just stared at me all confused, and then finally said "Well you are!" He passed out not long after. I'll never forget that.

It's so hard not to get defensive! I just want to smack him sometimes and say "WAKE UP!". My AH is also an adult child of an alcoholic, he had a truly horrific childhood, but he refuses to see that he is also codependent. All I can change is me, I have to keep looking for ME, working on ME, and seeing where that leads. He "encourages" one day, "threatens" the next (as in, "when people change sometimes the partner doesn't love them anymore", and gets all melancholy the next "why are you changing, don't you love me anymore"....

The mood swings of an AH are mind blowing. My AH can walk out of a room happy, come back 10 seconds later and be sullen and angry. You are right to focus on YOU. My AH is not terrible 365 days a year, if he was I'm sure I would have packed it in years ago. But I don't look for the goodness in my AH anymore. If it's there, great, if not, then I shut it out the best I can. The only way I have survived is to vent when I need to and create a separate life within this one. I have an entire world that he is not a part of. I do things that make me fulfilled whether its reading books, antique browsing, exercise etc. It's not a cure for a highly dysfunctional marriage, but it makes life bearable. You are right to keep it to yourself as much as possible. If an AH feels threatened he will do all he can to destroy your efforts.

That's good advice not to tell them when you are working on you. Over the past couple of years, I stopped telling my AH anything at all unless it was absolutely necessary, or it would be used against me.

That is also good to create another life for yourself, but let me stress the importance of keeping a private journal that AH does not know about. This can become valuable documentation later. What happened to me is that I repressed some memories of my AH being abusive (and when it happens often, sometimes you don't recognize the behavior as abusive). Having the journal was a lifesaver in creating a record for the courts of his abusive behavior. Even if you never use the information in the journal as court documentation, it can still help to go back and read past entries and see the "big picture" of what you have been putting up with. It is so easy for us wives to deny or minimize the damage.

I wish I could minimize the damage in my mind. But everything is burned into my memory for life. Just thinking about it brings up not just the words said, but the feelings associated with them. I used to keep a journal and it is a great idea. But for me personally, it just forced me to dwell on it. I came across some old journals not that long ago. It turned my stomach to see that his behavior has never changed. What I do keep is financial records of the amount of money spent on alcohol, not to mention his arrest records. That is hard evidence that a judge can't ignore. With journals all he has to say is I made it up or was exaggerating.

We recycle cans and I've taken pictures of those. The sheer number of beer cans was so large that I was embarrassed to take them to the recycling center. In fact, I stopped and told him to do it.

Excellent advice! Yes, an alcoholic will turn any and every little thing into a way to blame YOU for their problems. Good for you though for focusing on yourself.

I keep planning to start a journal, I really need to do that, especially as my AH is a binge drinker, who isn't binging very often right now. Hence, the craziness is pretty sporadic right now. I also like the idea of keeping track of the alcohol expenditures, hard for me to do as we have separate accounts, although I can access his.

I am glad I kept a journal, but I wish I'd been more consistent with the pictures. I wish I had supplemented the journal with pictures for backup instead of doing both separately. I was not thinking of the journal as documentation when I was keeping it, it was just for me to vent for some relief. Keeping track of expenditures is good, too. I have my husband's credit card bills for the past few years showing his visits to the liquor store every 2 days.

Amen! I agree that I think my H feels inferior, so when he gets a chance to pick on me, he milks it for all it's worth. JW, I loved your powerful woman comment. :)

I know this is a few weeks old, but I am new to this group tonight and I need to chime in on the inferiority complex theory. My AH goes on binges with alcohol/pills/marijuana. My salary is is 4 times his and he is constantly saying that if he brought home more $ than me I wouldn't be bothered by his substance abuse. The only reason I ever bring up $ to him is because he spends more than he brings home and I am the one who has to figure out how bills are paid and deny myself any spending $. Guilt and shame and feelings of inferiority are huge feeders of their addictive behaviors. :-(

Kindergartenteacher, my advice to you is get your financial records together and talk to an attorney right now if you haven't. My husband was a compulsive spender. We made about the same but I saved. He put 1/4 of his take home pay toward bills and the rest he spent on himself. Now he gets half of what I have saved, even though he would have nothing, not even a checking account if not for me. This is my reward for doing the right thing and working on the marriage until I couldn't take it anymore. If I had done this 2 years ago I'd be better off now.

Do not tell them anything that is not their business. You working on you is your own business, not theirs. If you want to go somewhere or do something, just announce it while you walk out the door. You are a grown up and you do not need their permission and you are not required to explain anything.

Believe me, they will notice when you stop living your life to accommodate their drinking and stupid behavior. Ignore them when they act up. They are just like toddlers going through the Terrible Twos, the more you pay attention, the more they misbehave. Focus on what you want. Know for sure what is sane and what is insane. You know the difference between red and blue, ignore him when he insists red is blue. It is the booze talking and he is no different from someone in an insane asylum.

The truth is, they feel inferior to everyone because they live with such terrible shame and guilt. They do not want to own their own behavior so they blame it on whatever is convenient at the moment, usually that is you.

They are not nearly as powerful as they have fooled you into believing. Take your power back, live your own life. Have compassion because they are sick, but do not allow them to ruin your day, your week, your month or your life. Remember-DO NOT EXPLAIN, just do it.