Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
With the help of AlAnon I am beginning to understand the idea of detachment and what I should be doing. I found that I was always arguing with my AH and somehow I found that I was always the one apologizing at the end of the argument. I think my AH would just keep on finding things to argue about and just quit when he was tired of it. Then I would feel like I had made him mad and could not relax until he had told me that everything was ok. For the past few days I have tried just giving him a kiss and saying that we'd be better off if I just left him alone. So I've been leaving him alone with his beer and I'm better off with my book or TV or this chat room. Maybe if he starts missing me we can break this endless cycle of arguing.
i know what you mean its a very hrd thing to do is detatch
i know i did not understand what it meant until i went too Alanin meeting a
to the discussions and reading every thing i got my hand on
It is not that we do not love that person it is that
we start to love ourselves again and find our sainity spots. It is better for us to
enjoy the little things in life rather ther having our like run over us and make us measerable
Again hang in thre Big Hug
I will warn you of one thing, my husband never missed me. As long as his best pal alcohol was around!
So don't wait too long. Life is too short.
This is how the mind of an alcoholic works... "I am drunk again. I am a bad person. But wait, other people are bad too, in fact they are even worse than me. Look at my wife--she is (fill in the blank with whatever). If I point this out, she will see that I am not as bad as she thinks because she is bad. If she fights back, it means there is merit to what I am saying. Plus, if she fights back, it justifies my drinking. Who can stay sober with such a mean wife? Anyone is my situation would drink twice as much. I am not that bad."
Yes, I know, it is crazy thinking, but that is the insanity of living with a drunk. I agree that detachment often begins with physically leaving the area if that's what it takes to disengage from the crazy talk. Later, you can use visualizations. One of my favorites is him in a straightjacket in a mental hospital. If a crazy person was yelling at me in a mental hospital, I would not feel compelled to respond. Also, learn to respond without answering. When they make outrageous statements to start a fight, you can respond with "That's an interesting way of seeing things." Or "You might be right." (which also means he might be wrong). Eventually when he sees he is unable to get you to engage, the dynamics change and you learn that you are in control of your own emotions. You get your personal power back.
He didn't miss me even though he often said he did. I do not believe detaching does anything more than put the alcoholic in his world and us in ours - eventually, it is better to walk away. I used to say no one is home - referring to him in his alcoholic world. Nothing is planned, everything is done in slow motion or when they are up to it.
I want to be part of the action in this world - I have one life and being with a drinker doesn't offer anything but drama