I’m so sorry! This kind of life can be very lonely and isolating. It’s so hard when you can’t talk to the one person you most want to be able to talk to. It sounds like you are a very devoted mother. I’m sorry to say it but it does sound like your husband is an alcoholic. It can be hard to face that fact. Depression and anxiety is very common when your spouse is an alcoholic. Do you have family you can turn to? Hang in there and don’t be scared to reach out to people. Unfortunately there are a lot of people here that can completely understand what you are going through. You will definitely need the support ❤️

Ginger, this sounds similar to my story only there isn't any secret drinking. My husband and I have been together 25 years, married 18. Alcohol has always been a factor during our marriage. And it's always binge drinking.

He is mostly fine during the week unless there is beer left over from the weekend (rarely) or he might pick up a 12 pack on a Thursday night but that is rare too. However, on the weekends it's all about drinking till he's drunk and mean. I've been logging how much he drinks, that's how ridiculous this has become. Sometimes 8 beers, sometimes 18 beers in one day on a Saturday or Sunday. Not to mention about 6-12 beers on any given Friday night after work. I will give him credit for this much -- he has a good, stable job and makes good money. He works sometimes 12-hour days so I know he's tired when he gets home. But on the weekends, not a lot gets done around the house (I work FT, too, and am responsible for all of the inside housework and taking care of our two teenage daughters. He does ZERO housework, not even in preparation for our daughter's high school graduation party).
Anyways, I'm starting to digress...
Today is my first time posting here. What brought me to it? Well, I've been thinking a lot about going to Al-Anon. There isn't much in my area that is convenient to attend because I work and I don't want my husband to know I'm attending. So I'd have to go at lunch time during work. Like I said, not convenient.

Last night was another straw broken. Drunk after 8 beers, then he starts guzzling my wine and finished that off (maybe 12-16 oz, while I got about the equivalent of one glass). The beer was gone and he wanted my daughter to drive me to the store to get more beer under the guise of he wanted something from the store to go along with dinner (we had plenty of other stuff to eat, I had just gone to the grocery earlier in the day). I told him no, not once but as many as 4 times. Eight beers is enough. Then later on, he started picking fights with me and my older daughter. You see, whenever he is binge drunk, he finds scapegoats and picks fights. And then he justifies his arguments as if he is righteous. I think there is a serious level of covert narcissism going on here too.

Although I'm not perfect, I'm sure there are things I can say to make him stop it, but I'm just not equipped with the right communication tactics. That's why I came here. Looking for help, guidance, justification, etc. from others who are dealing with it too, or have successfully dealt with it.

If he knew I was on here talking about him, I could just hear him sarcastically saying, "oh, you are such a victim, I don't know how you do it." Yes, he's said that to me before. I have it on audio recording. I also have it on audio recording last night when he told me "Shut the F up, you stupid b*tch!" Nice, huh? And really nice that I have resorted to recording our conversations, too.

Ginger, just know that you are not alone. I'm listening and feel your pain.

Ginger,

So sorry your life is so loaded with vast burdens not of your creation. Not what you signed up for. And no, this was not covered in the fine print of your wedding vows.

There are a lot of definitions of what makes an alcoholic. The best one is "when drinking continues, despite negative consequences." So, if alcohol use gets in the way of "normal life" you've got yourself an alcoholic situation.
Alcoholics are not all daily drinkers who have full-on chemical dependency (although many do get to that point). What you describe far exceeds that threshold.

Based on your description your spouse is an alcoholic and an abuser (which do tend to go hand-in-hand a lot). There is an old saying: If it feels like abuse, it is. The verbal abuse is about establishing, maintaining, and amplifying power and control over you and your family. The fear of leaving is one of the weapons here. So are the anxiety and depression. Although he may not fully appreciate how negatively all of this depletes your soul, the power and control dynamic is intentional.

There might be a family history of alcohol and/or abuse on his side of the family?

Alcoholics who are consistently mean drunks are complicated. They tend not to be the ones who readily look around and admit their drinking is leaving a path of wreckage in its wake - they are too busy blaming the rest of the world for whatever is making them unsatisfied deep down. That Jeckyll & Hyde is near-impossible to deal with. I am sure you and your kids struggle with the two personalities. My dad was like that when I was a kid.

For an alcoholic, the 1st step is admitting that they have a problem and that a major change is needed. That same advice also applies to a lot of other situations.

may the force be with you

Thank you all for your responses. Thingswill get better: When I read your post, I felt like I wrote it myself. You are me in a few years. My kids are still young, but I could see my husband doing the same thing if they were old enough to drive. He actually told me that I was playing the victim just last night too.

I had to read the post again because it was so similar. It makes my heart hurt that you have been dealing with this for so long too.
Although at his worst times he would drink during the week too. And he still functions “working in the garage” or doing outside chores. But I do all the inside chores and 99% of caring for our 4 and 7 year old. We have been together for 16 years, and married for almost 10. He was not this way when we first got married, he has been this way around 6-7 years. Maybe a tad longer. He actually physically pushed me last night. (Right after he said that I was playing the victim.) And just now he apologized for it all but thats happened before. He has never laid his hands on me before but has apologized about it all before. I did slap him a few months ago, pretty hard. And I realize that was wrong of me and I probably opened up that kind of behavior. I always wish and pray that he really will change, but I have yet to see it.
So I believe you were bright here for a reason, just like me, because that was my first ever post too. I don’t feel that I can talk to friends or family about it anymore. I have in the past and they either don’t want to hear it anymore or maybe I just don’t even want to talk about it anymore. So I am glad that I found you guys. He has admitted that he has a problem, several times. And I am to the point now where I don’t know if I should even let myself believe it because it is such a let down when it ends up not being true. I am a lot stronger than I used to be, but it definitely takes an emotional toll on my whole body sometimes. And when I feel like I can’t even be a good Mom, then that’s when I need help figuring these things out.

His escalation and alcohol abuse coincided with becoming a father.

Big shifts in one's life can be powerful triggers. My dad's death was the start of my 4-year spiral to my bottom.

I believe there are very few alcoholics who just drink simply because they like it - for most it is a form of release from some fear or self doubt...or self medication in response to numb down the feelings from some deeper issue. Some want to feel more while others want to feel less - or nothing.

Lots of times there is a 2nd or even 3rd generation dysfunction problem pushing the buttons inside the dark recesses of a problem drinker's mind.

I am an adult child of an alcoholic and 20+ years sober myself.

may the force be with you

Pietro it could be a little of that but he also lost his mother to a senseless murder right before I met him. For years I think he buried the grief and for a few years he smoked. But once he had to pass a drug test for work, he turned to alcohol. And that was at that same time, 6 or 7 years ago. There were a few years in there before he started the new job, but things escalated after he couldn’t smoke anymore. So this is how he copes. And I feel that. But why do I have to be the enemy. Why does it have to get to that point every time. I know that no matter what I say or do, There will be a fight. He also has a family history. His real grandfather he doesn’t even know because he is homeless, always looking for booze.
And that is so wonderful that you have been sober for so many years. And that you are out trying to help others cope. God bless you.

Has he done any counseling that has been even mildly effective? At some point he will realize that there are better ways to grieve and live.

There is great work being done with PTSD patients. Also the growing interest in CBD and other news treatments for anxiety show great promise.

Regardless of the drug of choice, self medicating to numb emotional pain is no way to spend one’s life. It makes the whole family feel like it is out in the open water and at risk of drowning.

He doesn’t seem to believe in counseling. Over the years I have mentioned it and he doesn’t think that it is something that he needs. So stubborn. He’s just one where he likes to keep things private. So that kind of thing would be hard for him. But I think that if he allowed himself to try it, it would help.

Family history of severe addiction problems, mother's murder with fully unresolved grief, smoking to self medicate then switching to alcohol that makes him head towards numb but unleashes all his pent up anger, fears, and confusion. Holy crap....that is Olympic-caliber dysfunction!

That is somebody who is tormented and needs some support to help unravel everything that is stuffed down inside of his inner world. Alcohol isn't his demon, it is his fire escape.

None of this is good for the family.

may the force be with you