Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
My husband and I got into a fight this past Friday about his drinking. It took him less than 5 seconds to choose the beer. Stated, immediately he would not quit drinking. I heard them all, "You knew I drank when you married me" , "You could have it worse" " I go to work every day" and on and on. This was my fault, I was destroying our family, if I can't accept his drinking we are done.
So I told him to go. I told him I loved him, but he needed to stop. He left that night. I can't tell you the pain I felt. He came back the next day, threw out all the alcohol, and said fine he was done, but if he failed, we were done. Skip forward 2 days, no drinking, had to take him to ER today due to his severe withdrawal symptoms. They helped, he is home. But he does not feel he needs help beyond this, is refusing admission, counseling, AA, anything.
He is angry with me because I was hurt by what he said and did, he is making me feel guilty for not feeling romantic towards him. I feel terrible for the physical symptoms he is feeling, and for not being able to let go of the hurt and anger. I am also less than optimistic about his chances for success without a realistic understanding of what he will face beyond the physical. He needs more help, the physical sucks but the mental is even worse.
Am I wrong not to be happy? Do I have the right to still be hurt and angry with him? Am I a bitch for being worried that this may still not be enough, that the damage between us is irreparable? This is the most he has ever done, but I still feel like the other shoe is going to drop.
My AH stopped drinking for over a month. He does not believe he has a problem because he has no symptoms and did not get sick. However, I HAVE a problem with his drinking. Yes he has called me a bitch, a whore and a few other choice things. He tries to make me feel guilty because I don't make him feel loved and am no longer physically attracted to him. Well guess what, I don't care any more. He will not destroy me. I can not make him happy. I can not influence his lifestyle choice.
You are not wrong not to be happy. I don't think you will see any major changes in his drinking. He has to reach his rock bottom to stop. Some people never do.
Stay strong and true to yourself.
You are the one being hurt, it is all a game alcoholics play, to protect their precious first love.
Hang in their sister and move on when you can and get out of this toxic situation someday!
loves and prayers
You're not a bitch to think this may not last. You are the one who has done the reading to know that alcoholics need more than just detox to get long-term sober. Without any treatment, support group, or therapy, his chances of abstaining from drinking beyond a few weeks to a month are slim to none. My AH could white-knuckle not drinking about 3 weeks, when I demanded it, but couldn't stay sober or begin to become a decent member of the human race beyond that amount of time. My guess is your AH has never done any studying on alcoholism to know any of this. I'm always surprised at how little my AH knows about his alcoholism. It's part of the denial.
IF your AH keeps from drinking, he still needs to address all of his issues and how he treated you, in order for you two to reconcile. That could take a year of his working on himself through therapy or AA. If he doesn't work on himself, he will most likely continue to exhibit the emotional symptoms of alcoholism, like blame-shifting, self-pity, lack of accountability and entitlement, he just won't be drunk while doing so. In AA, that's referred to as a dry drunk.
If he does work on himself, then it's possible you two can work this out, through couples therapy. But marriage counseling doesn't work when one person is incapable of being honest with themselves, like an active alcoholic, or a very newly sober one.
If he is angry with you for being hurt, it doesn't sound like he has made ANY progress besides putting down the drink. He needs to have a contrite heart and make amends, both for your sake and for his. He will live with guilt somewhere in the back of his own mind (even if he doesn't show it) if he never makes amends to you for his behavior. And the two of you cannot move forward without this. (Our pastor told me that forgiveness can happen without remorse, but reconciliation can not happen, unless there's remorse.)
Intimacy comes from feeling intimately bound to another person. You just can't manufacture desire after all the years of this pain and emotional abuse. If you don't feel romantic towards him, I think that's normal. He's being demanding and entitled (dry drunk, lack of empathy for your feelings, lack of remorse). Your AH probably thinks that you're punishing him. But the truth is, you just don't feel it, right now. It may help, if some time when he's calm and sober, and you think he's capable of an honest conversation about feelings, if you tell him how hurt you've felt, and how you still worry he'll drink again, and his words hurt you deeply. Be honest. Tell him you don't feel romantic about him, right now, after years of hurt. He cannot deny you have feelings. And it may be what he needs to hear to get him to try AA or therapy.
Through all of this, keep reminding yourself that his disease is what drives him to do and say hurtful things, even though he is sober, for now. You deserve better than this. But only you can decide if he is worth sticking around for.
I'm doing counseling for myself, and also have begun al-anon. Have you tried either of those, just for you? Both of those could help you keep your head straight while he swings from one extreme to the other in early sobriety. And it would validate every feeling you've experienced as a result of being married to an A. My therapist keeps telling me that I'm normal to be hurt and angry. It helps to hear someone else tell me that.
Sending you big hugs and saying a prayer for you. You deserve peace. You deserve to feel loved. You deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. You deserve much better than you've gotten so far.