To naezer's last comment, I practiced not responding, and now when I do respond, I always respond neutrally or with kindness. Now let me give you some context before you think I'm advising anyone to be nice to their AHs like a doormat puppet, I'm not.

My boyfriend and I broke up and don't live together anymore, but we have a 10 month old child that he has abandoned. So being nice to him is easy for me because we're apart and I have time to think before I react. Let me repeat that last part because it's important ladies, "I have time to think before I react." So I like the advice to leave, or not respond until you've given yourself time to CALM DOWN and look at it objectively as if you aren't the one married to this lunatic. It's hard to separate our emotion and rage from the facts of the situation. But if you perceive looking at your AH from a third party, and reacting the way they would, this might help you.

So walk away.
Don't respond at all.
Call your Al Anon sponsor.
Take an exercise class.

When I went unhinged on my ex, I lowered my integrity, over and over and over until I finally figured out it was completely useless.

Your energy is better spent doing pretty much anything but wasting it on a crazy AH. Go get strong mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally, financially... Whatever it takes. Life is short.

I just joined this group today. I'm glad I did. My first post is really long, but I had a lot to purge, and I didn't even scratch the surface. At this moment, my husband is in our bathtub. I'm just grateful nothing is bleeding and that he's able to speak. I can't lift him out, and if he tries on his own, he's going to hurt himself. I hope he falls asleep for a bit. He's been out of the hospital for one week and here we are. Up until this last bout in the hospital, I blamed myself for all of it, and it changed me (profoundly) for the worse. He made me believe I was the reason for his drinking and that I was the crazy person in this relationship...the abusive one because I got angry. You are neither...none of us is, or we wouldn't be here for support and to support each other. Alcoholism is a disease. It's no different than living with a diabetic who refuses to take his/her medication. You didn't cause it, and you can't fix it. Frustration and anger is a pretty typical response when someone you love is sick and refuses to accept a hand toward health. You are responsible for you, and that is the bottom line. It doesn't work for everyone, but I do come from a very long line of alcohol and drug abusers...I'm not playing into it anymore. If my husband does fall and hurt himself, I'll be calling 911 again. If this happens, he will go back into the hospital. I will not visit, nor will I listen to him degrade me on the phone. When it comes time for him to leave, I will not pick him up, and the locks will be changed, so he will not be able to get into the house. His mother, who I love dearly (though she's avoided the situation almost completely), will be his only hope...or, he will have to finally accept the 30 day treatment program he has thus far avoided despite repeated medical advice. I guess my point is this. By relieving yourself of the responsibility, which is not yours to begin with, you are allowing yourself to heal and giving him the opportunity to heal the only way he will...through owning his disease and finding the self-confidence to address it. Hopefully he will seek the help he desperately needs, and if he does not, it has absolutely nothing to do with you. I hope I don't sound brash, as I don't mean to at all. I have just experienced this for so long, and for so long I looked in the mirror at someone I hated...my resolution for this New Year is to put myself back in the arms of those I've let go because of my foolish "dedication" to my husband's disease. I've missed a lot of time with my loved ones who are getting older...my time with them may be short. I've alienated myself from most of my friends out of embarrassment...good friends are hard to find. You have to live your life...if he can prove to you that he wants to live his, by all means be in his court, but if you ever again find yourself questioning who you are, let him know you are not willing to play the game. I sincerely hope and pray the best for you. You are in a good place with women who will build you up.