This disease makes you crazy, I did the same with my husband. You need to get some help for yourself, Al Anon or therapy or a priest or something. You can't get out of this dark place on your own and it sounds like. he is on his way to rock bottom. Will be praying for you, believe me I've been there.

Wow you sound just like me. When I would catch him drunk I would scream, hit, push, punch, belittle him and do anything i could to hurt him. You are not to blame. It's you reaction to his illness. The one thing that helped me while I was living with him at the time was to try and not react. You are talking to a wall. He does't understand your reactions or words that are coming out of your mouth. If you cannot handle seeing him drunk, then leave the house (that I what I did towards the end). Go and get help for yourself. He is not worth it, as much as you love him. Good luck.

Rachey98, I dont love him anymore. I haven't for a long time. I loved that young man he once was. But it's been years since I have seen that man. All I want is to get away. I don;t have a way out. Thank you both for your kind words. It helps.

I want to cry for you right now.

Find someone to talk to before you end up on an episode of Snapped.

Suzannesc recommended Al Anon. This is a great place to find someone you can talk to. The people who attend have all been in our shoes. They know how to keep conversations private because they value their own privacy--given our situations. This is also a great place to talk to people who found the strength to leave. They may be able to connect you to people or organizations that can help you leave.

Please don't wait until you've become someone you completely do not recognize anymore.

lostinpain i completely understand you. At a certain point we stop loving them. But there is always a way out. You do not need to live like this. If you have to continue living with him then start doing things that make you happy: read a book, go for a walk, go out with friends, etc. You have to put yourself first and there is no better time than the present. BTW i have also wished many of times that my AH would just kill himself, it would make things a lot easier. cause if he is physically not here then I can tell my kids he's dead, not he doesn't want to/cannot see you. Oh this horrible dissease kills everything around it. Big hug from me. I completely understand you.

Thank you all. Knowing you are here to talk to helps so much. You listen without judgment and just "get it". Thank you

Many prayers and hugs . This is a very hard problem of to deal with. I can not count the wet bed couches
Floors and wasted food he would get out of the freezer and let set out all night.
How many times it was made as to all my fault for what ever goes wrong.. never him.
Not attend special event to due knowing how he will be acting up....you laugh vs crying because he either makes you so made or embarrassed you to no end
Not go with family because you are affraid of what you may come back home to.
This life we live totally sucks... Why we stay....only God knows .. if we met them on the street we would not give them time of day. I guess after 25 year of living with this progressive distructive life, we too are addicted.

Bonblue, You described my life. With the holidays coming up, I am trying to decide when the best time is to have the very small family gathering so that I can give my Nieces and nephews their gifts. We used to have a big xmas eve celebration. But that would mean evening. We all know evening is not a good time. I havent had friends or family over since last years xmas. Its 3 hours of walking on pins and needles. Hoping he will keep it together for just that long. Every other day of the year, I sit alone. Like you said. Hating to stay and afraid to leave just for a few hours, knowing what you will come home to. Thankfully, I don't have kids added to this mess. I guess the good Lord knew better. 23 yrs here. If we could all just pool the little money we had and build a home. Leave them all. Live in peace. finally lay our heads down at night without worry. Praying for you. For all of us. For peaceful holidays

lostinpain, I feel like I'm listening to myself reading your posts and while I don't have as bad as I once did I understand and feel everything you are going through. I can remember making excuses so we didn't have to go to parties, the embarrassment was never worth it. I'd have rather stayed home. you are not the abusive one, he is.

My children are all grown with families of their own but I limit the time with
Then when he is involved. I do as much as I can with them without subjecting
Then to his mood swings an rude remarks. Not to mention the trip back and forth
With ill feeling by the time we get home and he still does not get it.
About the home where we could all get together I thought the same thing
But Like you was saying money was the issue and for most of us just being able to
To leave would still be hard. I thought more of a sanity getaway even it's only a few days
To have face to face group meeting areas to enjoy nature water just to watch it slowly
Flow or by the ocean to watch the waves come in and go out .feel the warmth of
The sand under our feet soothing our bodies and our minds . Healing the pain and long
Suffering we all have to endure for years. Getting back in touch with our selves.
Would that not be wonderful.
Peace and love be with us all for the holiday.and every day.
Big Hugs and lots of prayers

I really need that place in the sun!

Hugs and prayers to you. It's crazy how different we become as we deal with them and their disease. They turn into different people and so do we. Rachey98 gives good advice. Try not to react. Easier said than done, I know. As you react, you give up your power. He wins.

As I was going through my drama recently, not reacting helped me keep my sanity. My AH pulled out everything he could think of to try and "hook me". When one attempt didn't work, he'd try something else. He even threatened to throw my Dad's ashes in the fire pit and take our animals to the pound. Who does that?

I didn't react though - I stayed strong and it paid off. He incriminated himself with all his nasty voice mails. I'm so glad I didn't pick up the phone and talk to him - he was so passive aggressive. It was painful just listening to the messages.

The reaction is what they are looking for. They get us all emotional and confused. If they succeed in getting us to react, they win. Be strong!

Naezer, You are stronger than me. I give you credit for being so calm during such horrible threats. I am trying to practice the act of no response. Every day is a challenge. The not knowing whats coming is the hardest. I pray for strength for all of us.

I wasn't always. It's taken me a long time to build up the strength I have today. Somewhere along the journey I decided I didn't want to play the game anymore. I was tired of getting all emotional and having my heart break all the time.

I started seeing the patterns, the empty promises, realizing he was just telling me what I wanted to hear to get me off his back. And the biggest one, I stopped looking for "evidence" and trusted my gut.

We know what's truth and what's a lie. We don't always want to believe it, but we know. We're also smart - really smart! They make us feel like we're not, but in reality, they're scared of how smart we are. We're also strong - it takes a REALLY strong person to put up with all that we do!

Have faith lostinpain - you will get to where you want to be. Believe in yourself and give yourself the credit you deserve. You are an amazing individual!

Thank you.