Enablers sweep the problem under the rug and don't face it for fear of rocking the boat. Are you actively discussing his addiction when he's sober? It's a waste of breath to even bother trying to discuss it when he's already a drink in. You're too mad to have a rational conversation, and he's not coherent enough to even listen anyway. Choose a sober moment. Lay it out there. Most importantly follow through on your words. Never threaten to leave unless you mean it.

I've been here swimming this battle upstream for 17 years. I've never threatened to leave him until I knew I meant it. I told him he had 6 months to prove to me he was making strides towards sobriety. I gave him a date, and told him I was putting the house for sale and taking the kids if he couldn't get it together. I meant it. I've never felt as broken in my life the way it felt at that moment. I knew if I couldn't save our marriage, then I could still save myself and our kids from this daily struggle. I hated how toxic and tumultuous or life felt. And because the marriage was so much work, I wasn't being the best mother I could be. I needed control back. The lack of control of his addiction was almost the worst part. Our marriage is still recovering, but he's been sober now for 7 months.

I know this is something that will always linger in the background of our lives, but I'm proud of his sobriety. I'm glad I laid it all out and stood firm on my decision. I'm glad our marriage is still intact. So no, loving someone and working on a solution does not equate to enabling- but surrendering your values and beliefs to keep the marriage together is unhealthy for both of you. You're not alone, my friend. Just thought I'd share my story, because sometimes it helps to know there's light after darkness. Don't give up hope.

Thanks for your reply, it does give me hope. We have so many conversations while he's sober, I feel like it's all we talk about anymore. He's going to see a physco therapist on Thursday but I can't see it working unless he really try's and wants to change. He tells me he does when he's sober but then goes and does the opposite. I don't know how long I can't keep going in this vicious circle, I'm so stressed I feel like it's going to make me ill. I haven't got as much patience with my son as I would like and I know it's because I've constantly got his problem hanging over my head. I can't stand the lies that he tells and how he's always got an explanation or excuse as to why what's happened has happened. I honestly feel so trapped and life shouldn't be this hard. To the point where I want to walk out but I know once I've calmed down I will feel different and want to believe him when he says he will change. Maybe putting a date on it will spur things on a bit, I have tried it in the past and he manipulates it into me pressuring and threatening him, but it's not a threat anymore as I really can't live like this.