Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
My long term partner doesn't drink every day but he downs a fifth+ every Friday and gets up and starts drinking again immediately on Saturday morning. When he is drinking, he requires constant attention. His thoughts get very dark and he talks about everything he hates about himself, how horrible the world is and I am expected to listen and try to cheer him up, which obviously never works. If I try to do something else or don't pay attention, he gets very upset. The other night when he was drunk, he talked about wanting to have kids. I said some things needed to change first. He decided his meant that we would never have children, that I think he's a horrible worthless person. I tried to explain that wasn't what I meant and said we should talk about it another time. He insisted on talking about it and I ended blowing up and getting more angry than I've ever been about anything. I decided to leave and stay at a hotel for the night so we would stop fighting and could talk about it when he was sober. He says that this emotionally crushed him and that I abandoned him. He thinks that I should just believe that he would change and be a great father if a got pregnant, but I feel like that would be a foolish decision on my part. I love him so much, but I just don't know how to deal with this. He's making me feel like I'm the one who did something wrong, and while I shouldn't have blown up, he is partially to blame for my frustration. I just don't know what to do.
You have good instincts. Having a baby with an active alcoholic is an invitation to a lifetime of misery, for you and the child. Your partner is playing the "poor me" game. Alcoholism is a disease of selfishness. I have 3 kids with my AH, my observation is the alcoholic partner isn't capable of healthy parenting. They are so lost in their disease that taking care of a pet is too much work, let alone children. My children have suffered so much by having an alcoholic parent. And I've had to be both mom and dad to them, all the while, myself, swirling in the chaos of my AH's dysfunction. Like I said, your instincts are spot on. Choosing not to have children while your partner is still in active addiction, plus getting yourself out of the house and to a hotel, removing yourself from an argument that was going nowhere. You were doing the right thing. But your partner won't be able to see that. Everything he sees is through the fog of alcoholism.
Sending hugs.
You're right to think long and hard about having kids. I have two with AH. There have been good dnd bad times, but overall I've been both parents.
Wish you the best of luck.